My poor husband isn't coping very well with my pregnancy hormones! (long one!)

[PurpleLostPrincess]

I just need to vent really...

I've spent most of today in bed feeling sorry for myself and crying at the drop of a hat while DH has been on the computer playing online games. I'm 14 weeks today and so far this pg has been difficult with HG etc and lots of time off work. I keep falling asleep in the evenings so he's been left to watch tv all on his own when we would normally have watched films together. He says he knows its not my fault but he's really frustrated by it and every time we have a discussion, I end up in tears! He has admitted that the reason he has stayed away from me for the last few days was that he just doesn't know how to deal with me either falling asleep or bursting into tears all the time.

We've been married for four and a half years now and we've had our ups and downs including 2 m/c's. However we're really happy that we've come past our 'danger week' and we've seen baby on a scan. This is his first baby (I have 2 DC already) and although we're really excited about it, we're in a very bad financial position in that he doesn't work so I don't know how we are going to cope. I'm dreading pay day this month already because I've had so much time off work - if we can't survive this month, how will we survive when baby comes?

He's not been well for many years now and recently had a breakdown which was partly triggered by the fear of this pg (not entirely). He's determined to get some work in the next few months which will hopefully help but I'm worried that the pressure will be too much for him and he'll end up ill again. My poor parents help us out so much financially and are also very worried about the whole situation.

Please don't get me wrong, we are over the moon about having a baby but we can't ignore the circumstances that we are in.

I'm usually the strong one who keeps positive and tries to be understanding, especially with his illness but its all the other way around now - I'm the one who is all over the place and he just doesn't know what to do with me!

I'm so sorry to go on for so long and I don't expect anybody to have a magic answer, I just needed to get it all of my chest really. There is so much more to it but I guess thats life really!

Thank you so much, I've been on mn for ages now but hadn't had the guts to share like this before now...

He's upstairs on the computer (he runs a game server clan thingy), we had a bit of a row (with me crying again) and he did apologise and said maybe we should both cool down a bit then perhaps we could spend a few hours together later this evening. I'm really worried that I'll fall asleep again!

He's a bit of a mixture really - sometimes we have really deep conversations and share our innermost feelings and sometimes he prefers to deal with it himself. I think its all part of the illness really (I should explain a bit better - he suffers from depression and anxiety).

On the whole, we are best friends most of the time but my confidence has been really knocked recently so I don't react in the same way that I would have before. He seems genuinely stumped as to how he should behave, especially as he doesn't have the sort of control that the 'average' bloke would have iyswim.

I feel a new freedom to be honest having shared about myself on here! Everybody is so lovely so I'm not worried now that I've taken my first plunge lol. But thank you for the offer

We used to have a big issue about him being on the computer so much but he has really made an effort lately to get the right balance. I guess I'm just worried that he'll fall into his old habits. I've told him to google 'fatherhood' or 'pg wives and their hormones' being as he's up there - I'm interested to see what he'll find but maybe that will help him...?

I've just got to pick DS up from a party so I'll be back in a bit - maybe the fresh air will keep me awake a bit longer tonight (I hope!). If I don't get back on here this evening, I'll post in the morning to let you know if I managed to stay awake for a while. Thank you again xoxo

Dear plp
My partner was made redundant just before we found out we were having another baby. It too has caused stress with worrying about money but trust me things have a habit of working out for the best.
My partner also plays online games in a clan only on the xbox 360, again the last few mths we've been fighting all the time, but i finally realised it was due to the pressure.
He probably knows that you love him but do something small like putting a post it note on his pc to tell him you love him. Sometimes guys need showing that you love them instead of being told.
I really hope that everything works out for & your other half, & with the bump.

Hi PLP,

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this, its not much fun especially when you don't have much control over the way you feel, I am just the same when it comes to tears...this is even more confusing to my dh as I NEVER cry normally

Maybe you should get your dh a book to read, like a guys guide to pregnancy. My dh read one very early on. It means they get an understanding for whats going on with you and maybe he'll feel better if he realises that you are just behaving normally for a pregnant lady.

As to the financial, thats a tough one. Have you looked into tax credits or what you may be entitled to with an extra baby on the way. If you google tax credits it should come up with a website you can go to which asks questions like how much you earn, how many kids you have (you can add the baby in now to see what you might be entitled to) and it will then tell you how much you might expect to receive from the govt. Sorry if you've already done this.

See you on the sept thread.
xx

I think a lot of very understandable (and reasonable) emotional responses to pregnancy and the changes it brings to our lives get blamed unfairly on hormones. Looking objectively at your situation - you've been very ill so far this pregnancy, you're tired, you're worried about money because you're the only earner, your partner is getting over a breakdown - the way you're feeling is as much a natural response to all these pressures, as it is a result of some unbalance of progesterone.

It sounds like you need him to be stronger and more supportive right now. Is there any reason why he's not working at the moment - is he still signed off after his breakdown? What about a part-time job to start with, 20 hours a week or similar whilst you're still working, to see how he manages. A job will give him something to focus on and make him feel like he's contributing positively - continued inactivity won't help the way he's feeling and it's certainly not helping you.

Well, we've got a book on order called 'From Humor to Hormones: A Man's Guide to a Pregnant Wife and a New Life' which looks interesting! I managed to stay awake for quite a while last night and DH was very sympathetic. We've had a bit of a chat and he has apologised and told me to ignore his outburst (easier said than done but I do forgive him).

lazyemma - I do agree in so far as the circumstances we are in aren't going to change and some of this is a natural response, its just the way in which I would usually handle things has changed dramatically. I would never cry before (apart from soppy films) but I'm finding myself sobbing uncontrollably every time we have a discussion - not my usual character!

The good news is that we've got a much stronger 'lead' for a job that looks quite likely in the next few weeks. Its somewhere he has worked before so he is much more comfortable with the idea of it and I feel very confident that he'll be able to handle it.

laska - thank you for suggesting tax credits but as you suspected, we're already in receipt of them. I'll see if I can work out how they will change once baby comes though as that could be very useful and I hadn't thought of that.

kellogs - I'm glad to hear that things are working out for you after such a difficult thing to face. Thank you for sharing, it gives me hope that we'll survive somehow!

We've both got appointments tomorrow - me with the GP, 14 week checkup and DH with the local community health centre to embark on his cognitive behavioural therapy (I think). I'll keep you updated and thank you again for your replies - this site is brilliant!

Hi Purple, I've just read your post. So sorry things are bad for you at the moment. You seem to be right in the thick of it. What kellogs said is right though, things always do seem to work out ok in the end. Is your DH on medication for his depression? I do feel for you coping with your DH, like you say, you are always the strong one. Maybe think of this time as a 'temporary blip' in your 'strongness', things will soon balance out, don't lose sight of that. I just want to send you a VERY BIG (((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))

Hope you are feeling better today.

Just wanted to add: plese don't feel that you ALWAYS have to be the strong one because of your partner's issues. First, given the job chances and the way you're now communicating, he may well surprise you with the support and strength he can provide. Second, you're entitled to cry/strop/have wobbly moments, as we all are. Get as much help as you can (sounds like you have a good family network - use it as much as possible). You aren't superhuman: you're pregnant, tired, and in a stressful situation. You talk a lot about helping your partner: don't forget to be kind to yourself

Thank you so much again for your encouragement. You're right, I can't be the strong one all the time. DH has been really making an effort which is lovely bless him! There's a delay with his cognitive behaviour therapy but they're upping his medication for now... (amitriptylene)

I read him some of the posts you have left and he seems to have really listened!

In the meantime, I came home to a spotless (and I mean spotless) kitchen today which has made my day! It's the small things that please me

I'll keep you updated...

Glad things are going well. Does your DH want to come and clean my kitchen as well?

LOL, I'll ask him! He hoovered, mopped, cleaned the oven AND the microwave, and he even cleaned the tiles on the wall! I reckon he's coming out in sympathy and he's got the nesting urge that I should have. I can assure you, this isn't his usual behaviour

Actually, the last time DH cleaned the kitchen was when I was pregnant

Good news!!! DH has got a job - yay!!!!!!!

He is starting in about a months time and I'm soooo relieved. I'm actually starting to believe that things will work out for us in the end financially! This is the one I mentioned before - the bloke called today and confirmed that he can start soon!

Great news

really pleased to hear he got a job - hopefully this will be the positive boost you've both been needing.