Terrified and pregnant

[candydoyle]

Hi there,

Im terrified ! I'm 15 weeks pregnant and scared out my mind. I'm not sleeping and waking up in a panic after about two to four hours sleep and that's all I'll get for the night. It is my first and It was planned but I really don't think I realised what I was getting myself into. I am 36 and my husband is 43. My husbands age worries me. My husband is very overweight (5 stone), drinks and smokes a lot. Most of the time if something falls on the floor I have to pick it up for him, due to him being overweight. His smoking causes me a huge amount of anxiety, every time he goes outside for one I get more anxious. He is trying hard to get fitter for the baby, exercising everyday (now that I've become a total mess) and working on his diet (again only since my depression and anxiety have gotten very bad).

But I am worried sick that something will happen to him and that I will be left alone with the baby, I rely on him heavily, emotionally and financially. I love him to bits he is an incredible support to me. I lost my sister 2 years ago to suicide and my mother when I was 24 and now I feel like I am going to loose him too.

I know it's sounds terrible as so many people are trying so hard for a child but I do feel regret at my decision to get pregnant, I almost wish it hadn't worked out for us, but it did and very quickly after trying. I cant cope with the information at all, was never any good with kids and never felt a very strong desire to have them either, I just thought it would get stronger the later in life I got, but it hasn't. I just feel like there is this endless abyss in front of me, I am completely overwhelmed at the thoughts of becoming a mother. Sometimes it's so bad I just don't want to be in my own body, I'm fidgety all the time and I feel so trapped.

I know I will love this child so much when she arrives but I honestly don't know if I can cope with the anxiety and depression and lack of sleep, while bringing up a child. I feel so so alone, I don't work and have nothing to keep my mind off this all day. I don't really have many people to talk to or meet up with. I just can't seem to feel any better. I feel like I'm going crazy and am suicidal. We have no grandparents to help us out so I will be with the baby constantly with no help until my hubby gets home and this really frightens me. I know that there are people In a far far worse situations then I am in, i do understand that and feel terribly guilty for feeling so awful. But I am just a worried mess. My mental state is in dire straits.

We found out the gender and it's a girl, but this has really really upset me. Most of the women in my life including me have suffered from mental health problems and I am worried sick that my girl will suffer the same. I was hoping for a boy, as all the men in my life have been extremely mentally strong. I probably won't be able to go through with another pregnancy as this one has been so terrible, which means she will be an only child, which just upsets me so so much. I have siblings and I know they can be a huge support growing up.

I hope I haven't said anything to cause anyone any upset, i understand I should be so grateful but I am just in such a bad state mentally that I am finding it very hard to experience any joy. I would love to hear your supportive feedback, I am extremely fragile right now and could use all the help I can get xx

Oh candy Hun, what a pickle you are in. First off well done for getting everything down "on paper" so to speak. It must have been incredibly hard to be that brutally honest. I think you really need to break things down so they are easier to work through.

1)DH health. Of course you're worried, that's undersrbale. He sounds like he has taken things on board and is making good changes for your whole family. It will take time though and the best thing you can do is continue to encourage him and look at all the support available. Hopefully once his health starts to improve this will help your anxiety.

2. Your mental health and well being. Now you haven't mentioned whether or not you are under any services or receiving any help from your GP. I would really urge you to book in to see your GP asap to get the ball rolling as you clearly do need help, and probably did before pregnancy. I can only imagine how you must be coping given your family history.

3. Guilt aside, do you really want to bring this child into the world and become a parent? It's a really tough deision but one that needs to be addressed

I hope even one thing in here is helpful. I'm sure there are much wiser people than me that will offer great advice, I just didn't want to read and run.

X

Some NCTs run Bump to Baby groups. Also check out Mush to try and meet mums and mums to be locally.

On a practical note, does your husband have life insurance? It sounds like he is making positive changes, but if you are completely dependent on him, he really needs to be insured.

Thanks for your supportive responses, I have been to my gp and I am now on antidepressants and anti anxiety tables. I've been to the best perinatal psychiatrist in the country (I'm living in Ireland) and he told me the if it was his wife or daughter he would put them on this medication too. I've been to councillors and doing a mindfulness course and yoga, I'm doing it to try and get better. But the anxiety is still killing me. I'm finding it incredibly difficult to be alone, so I am constantly trying to think of things to do to keep me occupied. I could never not have the baby, my husband is not showing any support on that side, in fact I think that would completely distroy him, I couldn't do that to him or myself. God knows what doing that would do to my mental health. My husband has really good life insurance, so financially we would be fine.

I just wish I could find some happiness, I see all other mothers and they seem to be so zen and together. I guess I have extremely low confidence which doesn't help. I'm on the medication about a week and a half now so I'm really hoping that they kick in soon. And that I can be more relaxed at ease with life was it is now.

Can you volunteer somewhere to help you keep busy? It did me the world of good, they are used to anxiety and help build you up.

Hi RS123,

Yes, I think that would help too. I have applied to a few places and waiting to hear back so fingers crossed. The sleep and anxiety are just a total night mare at the moment only getting 4 hours per night. Keep waking up in blind panic. I'm so depressed.

Pregnancy can be scary, the physical stuff, is the baby OK, how will you cope, how will life change. With my first I had the most terrible nightmares but then I went on to have another 3 so there can be light at the end of the tunnel and I hope there is for you.