I need a vent... Or a new DP (jokes)

[OnNaturesCourse]

So.

I'm 20 weeks pregnant and have recently been put on Garden Leave from work, and since then have been at home doing the nursery and general housework things.

I ask my DP to do three extra things every day which are : clean cat tray, sweep/clean floor outside the cat tray and turn the dishwasher on at night. I would do these but I'm not allowed to do the cat trays without extra care etc, and the smell of unclean dishes gives me the heave at the moment (I had HG in early pregnancy, and still suffer bad nausea...the smell has actually made me sick before)

Now, DP has to be hassled into doing the cat tray, he hates it... Which I understand but before we fell pregnant it was explained that this responsibility would fall to him so he knew. I constantly find I can smell the tray and therefore end up chasing him to do it. Only for him to do it half arsed, like empty it but not clean it and leave the spilled over litter all over the floor etc. Then some days, he does it no bother but these tend to be the day after I've lost my patience with him. My worry is if the tray is unclean then the cat is standing on the dirt and then dragging it around on their feet (not visible to the eye but germs etc) plus it can't be pleasant for the cat so they may stop using it if it gets too dirty and go elsewhere in the house. Also the smell, it's not nice.

The dishwasher needs to go on at night so I can empty it the next day and use the pots etc to make the days dinner. So it not getting done = no fresh cooked dinner as I just can not stand to open it when it's not clean. Whenever I complain he just says he'll cook which means take away or pasta (no veg etc)

We've been living together for 2+ years and I've only just got him cleaning/rinsing the shower down after he uses it (dirty outside working) so perhaps I'm asking too much to now ask him to do additional things? I feel bad especially since I'm off work but I do everything else, even the DIY in our new nursery etc.

So my question is how much does your partner help out around the house? What's your situation? As I feel unreasonable, but I still need the help.

So - definitely not - in any way possibly - unreasonable. It's a couple of very simple things. Sounds like he's putting up some passive resistance for some reason. Have you asked him why he doesn't do it?

Your not being unreasonable at all. I'm quite lucky as dp does things without me asking him such as taking the rubbish out hoovering if it needs it emptying the dishwasher stripping the bed sheets etc.. and he will do anything else if I ask him to he knows I'm struggling a bit now with back ache and stuff so it really helps and it's sweet that I don't even need to ask him. I don't think your asking for to much @OnNaturesCourse! Your asking him to do something that you can't actually do for health risk reasons. I wouldn't be very happy if he was doing it half heartedly to make a point!! X

The amount of household work that will need doing when the baby arrives will increase a lot - is he going to leave all that to you too?
I'd be putting your foot down - really bloody hard - right now, before he thinks you'll put up with this.

You are not being unreasonable at all - with everything you are contributing to this situation - not least birth - the very least he can do is enthusiastically empty the litter tray.

You need to sit him down and explain that you could have a miscarriage if you come into contact with the Toxioplasmosis bacteria and that the odds are high because 84% of cats are carriers (probably).

I have taken this argument to the next level and convinced my OH that dog poo and chicken poo all contain nasties, so he has been picking it all up the whole way through, and cleaning out the henhouse!

Stand firm lady - he should be more sympathetic to your sensitive pregnancy nose.

I must say you have left the house training of him a bit late op....
Doesn't bode well for a committed helpful df if I am honest. .

You know, he's brilliant in other ways. Just never been a chore kind of man.

He didn't even know how to make a bed, or clean a bathroom before we lived together. His Mum did everything for him. He did live with friends for a while but that was a typical horrid man pad in which I refused to even use the loo...

He's always just lacking motivation for home maintenance / improvement. I knew that when we moved in together, we'd been together many years before, but I feel like now I just can't do it all nor do I have the patience or energy to chase him. I likened him today to being like living with a teenager... You just never know if things will be done / to a decent standard.

He mostly says he "forgets" to do things (unsure how when the tray smells so bad I noticed it walking in the house at times) or that he can't be bothered. He actually verbally huffs when he hears the poor cat go into the tray and doing their business.

I do ask a little more of him nowadays in terms of lifting things etc but in my head he should really have been doing this anyway.

I even have to remind him to wash his work stuff @ the weekend, or he'd not remember until bedtime Sunday when it's too late.

I didn't think I mothered him until now.

It's almost like he thought all the requests and hassling would stop once I was on leave, I secretly suspect he thought I'd be picking up more chores since I'm not working but I already do all the ones I can do.

I really think he is in for a crazy rude wake up call when baby arrives, and I don't think there is anything I can do to prepare him. Goodness I even wrote all his chores down on a list in our home once, it worked well for a week and then got forgotten (how can you forget a routine you've done for a week?!)

Man training courses needed!

I think the toxo risk is actually quite low, especially if you wash your hands etc - although I dont tell DH that! Cat litter has become his job since I was pregnant with DS (now 2), although I'm more firm about it now I'm pregnant again.

He'll have to get used to doing more around the house when the baby arrives, and taking responsibility for the cat litter is just one thing. I'd really put your foot down about this OP, and don't let him think that once you are not pregnant you'll be doing it again as you'll have enough to do looking after a baby

I really think he is in for a crazy rude wake up call when baby arrives I'm sorry but no. You will be, when you have a newborn to look after and a partner who still does fuck all and creates more mess and work for you instead.
You really have to deal with this ASAP. So in 2 years you've been living together, he's done nothing? You've been taking over his mum's role? Stop it. New DP would be the easiest solution, but if you don't want to do that, a discussion why he thinks you're beneath him and his skivvy might be a start.

Thanks all for letting me vent.

I find it ridiculous that people feel the need to swear to make their point, but each to their own.

Reverting back to the original question, how much does your partner help out at home?

We pretty much split the chores 50:50 in my house. We both work full time and therefore have the same amount of spare time, so split chores evenly.

We don't have set chores, we just tend to do what needs to be done. fill the dishwasher as we go, one if us turns it on before bed and first one to generate washing up the next day tends to empty it. Washing basket is full? One of us will chuck it on, when it's done, whoever hears it beep first will empty it. We often give each other a hand hanging the clothes up.

We split the big house clean on the weekend. One will dust and Hoover (very hair dog, so hoovering is a big job). The other tackles the kitchen and the bathroom.

Sure, he does the odd thing that annoys me. For some reason he throws empty toilet rolls at the bin, and if they miss, leaves them on the floor And he always forgets to wipe the kitchen worktops when he tidies up. And he leaves shoes everywhere for me to trip over. But generally, he's pretty good around the house.

When I got HG, he did absolutely everything around the house for about three months, including all the cleaning, all meals and walking the dog every day. Now I'm a bit better, he still insists on walking the dog himself every day as he doesn't want me to do it (I'm still not that well and he's a big pully dog). Now I'm feeling a bit better but still home a lot, I'm trying to do more of the housework during the day as DH is witking himself into the ground. He gets cross when I do too much cleaning though as I tend to overdo it and start throwing up again!

I really don't think you're asking too much from your partner. The cat tray is a no brainier when your pregnant. And does turning on the dishwasher even count as a chore??!! Maybe you need a rota or something? Or maybe he just needs a kick up the backside? He'll have to pull his weight even more when there's a newborn around.

Reverting back to the original question, how much does your partner help out at home?

We'd never refer to it as helping out, because 'helping' almost indicates doing a favour, or giving assistance. I'm not trying to nitpick here, I genuinely think that maybe changing the way you frame the division of labour in your mind might help you to decide how to deal with it with your partner.
In terms of what he does... I'm 32 weeks now and he does everything for DDog, including walking her twice a day. He's also doing the morning school run so I can have a lay in. (To put this in context, both the dog and kids are mine, and pre-date our relationship. But it wouldn't work for us to have a life/home/child together and him not pull his weight.)
On household stuff - we pay a cleaner, because life is so busy right now. He's always done his own laundry because he's fussy about it being done 'right', and is also going to do the baby's. He's still learning to cook so either I or DD1 or DS (teenagers) cooks, and he and DD2 clear up.

The main thing, I think, is him showing willing to pitch in. So, having been a lone parent for a few years before meeting him, very quickly my life became better and easier for having him in it. Because when the boring, practical stuff is shared out and completed quickly, without a fuss, there is so much more time to relax, have fun, and all of that.

He's going to have to help out more anyway when the baby arrives so may aswell get used to it

Get rid of the cat and husband

Well I can't get rid of a husband I don't have, and my cat is that daft he'd find his way back lol.

I agree that it's not "helping out" doing household chores but I didn't know how else to word it really. He just doesn't seem to see mess, or things needing cleaned. He is genuinely oblivious, I'm pretty sure he wears blinkers... He comes home with a plan in his head for the night and that's what he does, he doesn't look at his surroundings. It's not malicious, or him thinking I should do it all... Simply put he's just a idiot sometimes. Like seriously what else can I do to make him remember; he went to get into bed tonight and I had to say "is the dishwasher on and cat tray clean?" No prizes for guessing the answer, but he did turn round and go do it.

He doesn't do washing, except his work stuff. He's cleaned the bathroom twice since we've been together (nearly 10years) Never unblocked a sink etc. Never dusted. He's hovered a handful of times, and mopped the floor but that's only back when I was working and leaving out "task lists" for him (he used to get home 2-3 hours before me) I don't feel like I can or should need to leave lists now I'm not working. Perhaps a note on the bedroom door re cat tray and dishwasher? Lol. It's genuinely the only thing I think will remind him...

I feel for you! My partner is a 'doesn't see mess person ' He can walk past piles of laundry/dishes /mess without a second thought and relax in the mayhem, whereas it drives me mad.
We had several big arguments in the lead up to having our first baby, mainly because I was so tired and physically bigger and just wanted a bit more help with household stuff without having to ask. Previously I had got used to doing most of the work around our home because I do work less hours than him and he travels further for work and it balanced out in a way that I didn't feel was too unfair. Also it's horrible to feel like a nag and constantly be saying can you do this? Can you do that?
I'm not sure how it's settled itself down but somehow it has. I'll admit to using some strategies and trying to find the things that he's more likely to do and try and make those his tasks. It's like having to train someone!
I used to feel quite annoyed at his mum because I thought she clearly did everything when he was growing up and he's learned this behaviour but then his brother is the opposite and they grew up in the same house!
I know some people reading this will think something like, leave him! But it's really not like that when you love someone but they have a very different tolerance for mess etc.
We're expecting our second child so don't know what's to come now but my only advice is sometimes you just have to stop what you're doing and sit and have a serious conversation about how it's making you feel and what he can do differently. For us, this sometimes got heated but things have definitely improved.
Hope this helps! Sorry to rant on about my own situation. I understand how you feel.
If it makes you feel any better a boyfriend I was with from way back was a neat freak and I found it too full on!! So I guess there are always compromises.

It's nice to feel like I'm not alone!

Pre pregnancy I had a higher tolerance level to his "mess blindness" whereas my fuse is getting shorter these days.

My DH's mum did everything for him and he could not boil an egg or operate a washing machine when he left home.

He now does his fair share and is totally capable of cooking, cleaning and understanding that mess does not magically disappear by little cleaning fairies.

The men who 'don't see' the mess don't see it because they do not consider it their job to see it. It's yours. Worrying their heads about mundane things like scrubbing the toilet is beneath them (but good enough for you).

Have you read this post, maybe it helps them to understand? As I think a poster on MN put it, every time there were dishes left festering or socks dropped in the middle of the floor, she could hear in her mind her DH saying 'Fuck this, I can't be bothered, wife can do it!' Does your partner want you to think about him like this? mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

Maybe put it to him this way, if you were to have the attitude he does, and do the same amount of chores that he does, then your house would be a hovel. Nothing would get done, you'd have no clean clothes or any dishes to cook with/eat from and you'd both be severely embarrassed by it. It actually angers me when men think its all down to the woman to keep the house in order, most women work full time just like the man does! Its his house too, your not the maid your his partner.