Seriously Anxious About Maternity Leave

[MegRam]

Hi you lovely lot,

I wanted to share a problem to see if anytime else is feeling the same, or if I'm just getting myself tied in knots for no reason.

I am due to have my first baby in Jan 18. I got married in March and although we had started 'trying' straight after, it was a very relaxed plan and I never thought we'd catch so quickly. Well, first time lucky for us!

As much as I am overjoyed about our little bean, I am feeling very anxious about the idea of taking Mat leave next year.

I work very hard, and have a good job which I enjoy and gives me a huge sense of identity. My husband and I have always both been very career focused and our work has been a big part of our lives. I am very anxious about having someone else cover my job while I'm off (inevitable) and what it will be like to be out of the loop for what feels like a long time. I'm worried everything will be different for me when I go back.

Although my maternity benefits are good, I'm also worried about not contributing half our income for a while, although my husband is not worried in the slightest.

Has anyone else experienced this anxiety, or am I being crazy?

Thank you thank you xx

I am just finishing my mat leave now.

Before going off I had many of the same worries but I got over it the second my DD made an appearance.
I bet you won't care as much when you're cuddling your new little bundle through the night.

Agree with pp.
work will be the last thing on your mind when you're with your new baby

Perfectly valid worries. Work is a big part of identity. I'd worry less about the money but do have some honest conversations about how finances will work - clue everything should be shared!

You are absolutely NOT crazy to feel unsettled about this.

Do NOT feel guilty about not contributing half your family income for a while - you are doing the difficult bit IME.

Do plan for your return to work: most importantly have bombproof childcare in place.
Stay in contact with your place of work if you wish.

You may need to wait until you have your baby to see how you will actually fell, but a worry about this is entirely valid. And very unfair that most men have not had the same worries thrust upon them...

Fwiw, it will be fine so while planning is good, do not overthink it just yet.

I found it difficult for the first 6 months - I did feel a loss of identity. I hadn't realised how much my job was a part of who I am. For me it took time to adjust. And I did want to keep in touch with work - I didn't like the thought of being forgotten about, although my work probably didn't want to bother me! I love being a mummy now though!

It's only natural to feel insecure having someone cover your job while you are off. I too have been worried.

You can either discuss your worries with your boss or decide to not take it to heart and enjoy your time off with little one. Please don't stress about maternity leave.

Completely natural. I had my return to work childcare sorted before I even had the baby, that's how anxious I was about mat leave.

A good technique for me was to plan my time fairly rigorously. I had a schedule of classes in the first three months and I got up and went out to them practically every day. After that I was able to ease off a bit.

But my DS is 12 now and you have different choices than i did. For example, you and your DH can share mat leave, my wee cousin did this and they loved it. She did the first 6 months, then went back to work f/t, her DH took the next six months and they are now both p/t as he didn't want to go back. Be flexible and don't think it 'has' to be a particular format.

Also I think I had a touch of pre-natal depression. It's a thing - so take care of yourself and speak to your mw if you start to feel overwhelmed.

Thank you all so much for your reassuring replies. It's so good to hear that I'm not being completely ridiculous - a part of me sometimes feels like I shouldn't be worrying about work when I'll have a baby, but I've never had one before so I don't know what it will be like!

I know my priorities will probably change when he/she is here so I'm trying to take some comfort from that.

There just seems to be so much to think about and taking 9-12 months off work is a huge deal for me. I haven't even had a sick day for 8 years!!

As others have said this is a common feeling. I expected to go back at 6 months. Then realised I wasn't ready so went for 9 months. Then 12 months. I'm now on a 12 month career break after ML because my priorities completely shifted in a way I wasn't expecting. It's been great and I know that when I do go back I'll be I'm a better frame of mind for taking my time

I loved my job and had worked hard for it so the thought of maternity leave terrified me. I only took a really short leave and then went in part time while DH had the time off instead via shared parental leave. It worked perfectly for us.

What maternity benefits does your DH's employer offer OP? Can you share the leave so you're not the one shouldering all the burden?

Agree with previous posters: I was anxious about not being at work, letting someone else cover my role, not knowing what was going on etc.

Didn't take long at all to basically forget all about it - all I feel occasionally is that I am out of the loop on gossip, changes etc, but I'm so busy with looking after DS (and having fun doing so) that it's really not that big a deal.

So basically, it's totally normal to feel the way you do, but you're unlikely to feel that way throughout mat leave!

I fet exactly then same, my career is a huge part of my life and I love my job. I ended up going back to work full time after 4 months as being a SAHM really wasn't for me. DS has thrived and I have a much better work life balance than before I had him (made some career decisions that enable me to be at home much more than I used to). You don't have to take 9 months off, it's perfectly acceptable to go back sooner.

I had a very 'easy' baby and found mat leave really dull. The house was spotless, I cooked dinner for the family every night from the day I came home from hospital, I went to every baby group under the sun and spent hours on end watching the whilst DS slept. I missed work and adult company that didn't want to talk about how many times their baby had shat that day.

I have the same worries, especially as I've been recently promoted and there will be lot of changes made while I'm off as well. It helped me to speak to my manager about my worries, I felt reassured that I'd be kept in the loop as far as I wanted to be, and that my job would be waiting for me whenever I wanted to go back.

I hear you! I'm 9+3 so not going off until January but I've given this a lot of thought!

I manage a team and deep down I think I'm scared the company will decide they are fine without me - I know it's silly though & I'm lucky that I have a manager who I know really appreciates me, but the control freak in me can't conceive having 12 months off work and out of the loop...

Plus we've just had an offer accepted on a house so it's just not feasible to be not earning for all that time.

I've decided I'm going to stagger it. The first three months off completely, use my KIT days over the next 3-4 months then go back 3 days a week until the year is up. My manager is totally on board on the understanding I go back full time at the end of the year - the alternative is me taking the whole year off and she doesn't want that!

As I said, I know I'm lucky with a good manager - she's known all along as I've been through ivf so she also appreciates we've been able to discuss & agree a long term plan rather than her getting 5 months notice that I'm off for a year...

Each to their own, but for me planning ahead has made me feel much more settled & secure.

It's so interesting to hear everyone else's experience. I guess there is no 'one size fits all'!

@darceybussell DH and I have discussed shared parental, and he's not against the idea (I also have complex feelings about how difficult I think it will be for him to go back to work so soon and I want to make sure he has the opportunity to properly bond with the bambino), but I don't think the practicalities add up for us. He works for a small company (only 12 people) and his benefits are basically statutory only. No one else at the company has taken shared so it's unprecedented there. By contrast, I work for a global company with AMAZING mat benefits. On top of the fact that his salary is slightly more than mine, I think we'd be financially and practically better off with me taking what I'm offered from my firm, but maybe it's something else to revisit, from an emotional stance.

I told my Director this week about my pregnancy (in a conversation about planning for 18/19 - I didn't really feel like I couldn't!) and she was very supportive, and basically said 'don't worry, you'll be back', but I still feel like I'll go back and everyone will have forgotten who I am!

I'm dreading it too, I'm due to go on leave with DC3. With DC1 I had PND and went back to work early after four months. I took a year off with DC2, I enjoyed it and kept to a routine but the loneliness and isolation was very difficult at times.

I've since moved to a tiny village and there will be nothing for me to do on ML. I'll have to drive or take the train if I want to go to baby group or the shops, and I know how much harder it is to get out of the house when you have that extra obstacle.

No advice OP except go back to work early if you feel like it. ML can be a long, lonely slog, don't listen to those who glamorise it.

@ScarlettInSpace That's EXACTLY how I feel. I manage a team too. Isn't it funny how this whole things brings this insecurity to the surface!

I can have 10 KIT days during leave, so I think I'm going to plan something similar to you and start them early.

Oh @NordicNoirRocks, that sounds challenging! When do you go on ML??

@MegRam in three months' time. I'm slightly worried about PND, as I've had it before, and I've compiled a long list of what I can do on ML to keep busy!

Some women have dream ML, lots of support from family, groups to attend, friends to go shopping with. It's such a a shame that some of us are counting down the days until we can go back to work and 'join the world again' (as I see it).

You seems very organised OP, using your KIT days sounds like a good idea and will give you the structure you need!

I'm currently off with DC2 and, even knowing what to expect, I struggle with not feeling useful. I find looking after children very hard and extremely unrewarding. It probably doesn't help that I didn't value parenting before we were parents (so many people do it, can't be difficult!)
It's not all bad, some days are lovely, but I'm really looking forward to getting back to work and it's nice to hear that others feel the same.

As a PP said, be alert for PND... so much can depend on your frame of mind. ML for me the first time round was either:
Coffee and cakes chatting with friends, walking in the sunshine, freedom to do whatever/go wherever I wanted
or
Socialising with people I barely knew, talking about poo, wandering the streets aimlessly, not knowing how to fill my time
(that's the same day btw)

Do what you need to do to enjoy your (temporary) new life and your baby. They don't know or care what's normal as long as they get food, smiles and cuddles!

I love being a mummy. I HATE maternity leave. If I'd wanted a career in childcare, that's what I'd be doing.

I felt guilty about it for ages but now I realise that I just need balance in my life. I wouldn't be happy working 100% of the time, so why would I be happy being at home 100% of the time? I'm just someone who needs a bit of both. I took a year off for my last maternity leave (because I thought I had to to be a good mum) but I'm taking 6 months this time and then staggering my return before going back 4 days a week at 9 months.

I've been thinking about this. I run a small company and so I need to work out my own leave. I also have a lot of control over my schedule. My partner is freelance with a flexible schedule and will pick up gigs at short notice.

I am really not sure that I'm up for longer than 6 months maternity. We're working on the idea that my partner will be main childcare but with flexibility from me. It's my first pregnancy so hard to know, but my sense is many of the issues re returning to work are a little easier for me in that I have a lot of flexibility in working. Am slightly concerned about my partner finding himself a bit isolated though, he's not exactly a joiner in. Financially it would be tough to take longer than 6 months as I can only afford to offer myself smp. I am not the greatest employer when it comes to employee benefits!

Our finances are joint, and we have a joint budget. Income is just joint funds, I know what we need so together we have to work out how we cover that. Often I bring in more, this next year I'll be bringing less financially.