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Pregnancy

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Original poster

Finances and depending on someone...

14 replies

Kittysparks1 · 21/06/2017 09:49

Hi all,
Me and the fella both work. We have always gone 50/50 on everything. He has always earned a lot more than me and has just taken a new job where he earns even more (alright for some!). I have been happy with this arrangement for 3 years. I was brought up by a single mum who didn't get a penny off my dad and didn't want a penny although she could of probably done with it.
Now when I go on maternity my wages are going to drop massively. My partner is good as gold and already gets all his wages paid into my account. He is awful with money and I'm not so I sort out all the bills and give him back what he is owed.
He is totally accepting of the fact that he needs to step up and will be paying the majority of everything. The problem is I am not.
I'm dreading it. I've always prided myself on the fact that I don't depend on him for anything especially not money. And if the worse case senario happened and we broke up I can support myself. This is not going to be the case once I'm on maternity pay.
He keeps saying I need to get over it and we are a family unit and his money is our money but it isn't. It's his money.
I don't want to be in the position where I'm dependant on him. We spoke about this before we started trying for a baby but now the time is approaching I don't feel comfortable with it.
How can I get over this. I worry I'm going to feel like the lesser side of the partnership because it's no 50/50 anymore. I also feel like I'm going to feel guilty about buying myself anything. Out of his money. It's started already! I'm desperately trying to save as much as I can so I can contribute as much as possible.
He spent 75 quid on some new clothes and although I've not said anything I feel massive resentment because I cannot afford to do that.
How can I let go of my independence basically?!?

OP posts:

AnnieOH1 · 21/06/2017 09:58

I don't have a magic answer for you but what strikes me is that you are not seeing yourselves as a unit, a family, it's certainly what you will be with a child in the mix.

Would you DH have an issue with you using £75 buying something for yourself? I suspect not from your post.

You need to realise that you have two different roles, and unfortunately two that aren't interchangeable (yet!). Your job is to nurture the baby you have growing inside you, his job is to provide for you during this time. I guess historically that would've meant him going out hunter gathering.

Perhaps you will be able to look at starting your own business (I did) after baby is born. That will allow you to bring in some funds and maybe help you to feel more "equal" even though imho you already are.

xxx

AnnieOH1 · 21/06/2017 09:58

I don't have a magic answer for you but what strikes me is that you are not seeing yourselves as a unit, a family, it's certainly what you will be with a child in the mix.

Would you DH have an issue with you using £75 buying something for yourself? I suspect not from your post.

xxx

londonloves · 21/06/2017 10:08

Watching this closely as I'm in the same boat (self employed so maternity allowance only, lost my last contract sooner than expected so savings not what I'd hoped). I'm counting the pennies already.
It's a massive psychological shift to go from being self sufficient to being dependent and I'm really struggling too. I can't afford to contribute to the rent this month and I feel awful about it.
One thing I would say is, can you make sure things are sewn up a bit for if you do break up? E.g. If you're renting, is the lease in both your names? Or if you own, is it a joint mortgage? We've got a deed of trust, as I put loads more into our house than he did, so I'm trying to see that as my contribution...

BaffledMummy · 21/06/2017 10:19

You sound like you've got yourself a very sensible bloke there! He recognises the massive contribution you will be making towards your family by taking out time from paid work to look after your family. Also given you have proportionally contributed a greater % of your income to the family to date, I'd say in the nicest possible way....cut yourself some slack! You can always return to work when you feel like it but don't downplay your contribution just because it isn't financial for what will be only a short period of time. Your contribution is different, even more significant than money! Don't let yourself be eaten up with misplaced guilt.

OnNaturesCourse · 21/06/2017 10:32

I was exactly the same.

I am quite OCD with money, I have budget sheets and everything. Money was always pretty 50/50.

Then I fell pregnant, then I was made redundant. Now although I've been paid for both I am still faced with not bringing in any money for the foreseeable future (job hunting and a bump don't mix) so I've had to start looking at our overall pot which includes savings, wages, redundancy etc. It was hard as I kept leaving myself short on the budget for a while as I felt that DP should get more luxury money as he worked but he pointed out that I have worked and I continue to work in making this baby, and will then work raising them. I am working for our family future, and he is working to help finance that future.

It's a hard learning curve for anyone but especially those with mindsets like ours... Xx

OnNaturesCourse · 21/06/2017 10:32

I was exactly the same.

I am quite OCD with money, I have budget sheets and everything. Money was always pretty 50/50.

It's a hard learning curve for anyone but especially those with mindsets like ours... Xx

Lemondrop99 · 21/06/2017 10:34

I can appreciate where you're coming from. DH and I have always earned basically the same and contributed 50/50. We have a shared account for bills etc but otherwise keep our money separate and can splash our splash cash on whatever we want. I know this isn't a popular approach on MN but it works for us.

However going into maternity leave and upsetting our arrangement does bother me. DH is super generous, but I like contributing equally. I've saved up enough money in advance to cover my half of the bills while I'm off. DH wanted to share this as I'd be earning less because of our baby (not just my baby) but I wanted to do it myself. That's nothing to do with. It seeing us as a family unit, I just didn't want him to end up contributing 75% of the bills unnecessarily. Of course, if I hadn't been able to save in advance, then I'd have accepted him primarily supporting us.

I should be ok over maternity leave, but I'm facing likely redundancy and will probably end up in a significantly less well paid job when I do go back to work. I have no idea how that will work out.

Anyway, I don't have any magic solutions I'm afraid! I just wanted to say that I understand where you're coming from. That said, it's only money and you'll be doing a very important job with your baby so hopefully you'll come around to accepting the support. At least your partner is happy to do it and I'm sure it'll all work out when it comes to fruition. Good luck

Dede124 · 21/06/2017 10:38

I completely understand how you feel. It's very hard when your so used to being independent but you need to remember you are going to be a family unit and that is your partner.

I'm in a similar position where my dp happens to earn a lot more than me but he always says to me there is no my money or your money we're together as a family and it doesn't matter. It's taken me a while to get used to it but he gets offended if I ever flap about paying for things or making it equal.

Libbylove2015 · 21/06/2017 14:17

Seriously, give yourself a break - money literally cannot buy what you are contributing to the arrangement.

I am in the same boat, 34wks pregnant with our first child. I am debating whether to go back to work or not afterwards but either way we will be living off my husbands salary for the foreseeable.

This is the way it always used to be - we are not miracle workers, bringing up babies is hard work, it is ridiculous to expect to bring home a full time wage as well.

2bluestars · 21/06/2017 19:35

But he is dependent on you. Not for money, but for bringing his child into the world, and looking after it while it's tiny- all the millions of big and little things that will get done while he's at work to make sure your baby - his and yours - is safe, happy and loved. He's depending on you to make sure that happens. And you can't buy that.

user1494935220 · 21/06/2017 19:50

If you're earning less than him then why go 50/50 on the bills? Take a percentage of both of your wages and contribute that instead. Makes it fairer for both.

Re giving up your wage, maybe agreeing some regular personal money for you is the way forward?

user1494935220 · 21/06/2017 19:52

2bluestars - love ❤️ your comment- it's so true.

peachgreen · 21/06/2017 21:04

Whatever's left over at the end of the month after all living expenses plus savings are accounted for gets split two ways and you're each free to spend it however you want. That stops resentment and gives you money that's 'yours'.

Original poster

Kittysparks1 · 21/06/2017 22:25

Thank you all for your responses. What you say makes sense and is logical it's just still a massive adjustment for me.
I spoke to him after work today about it again. He has said the same that I need to get over it and what I'm doing is something he can't do and I'm giving him a child. He also suggested that I keep £300 of my maternity pay each month in my separate account to myself so I don't feel like I need to "ask" or feel bad if I want to spontaneously buy something. This seemed abit excessive so I really like the idea of paying everything and after that split what's left.
It's the getting over it thats the struggle, but I've not got a choice really, this baby is coming and someone needs to look after it!! And it's only for 9 months then I'll go back to work. I would do it for him if he needed time off work for whatever reason. Yeah I'm just going to go get over it, I'm being silly. Thank you ladies x

OP posts:

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