Husband not supportive

[Redjeans32]

Hi all,
I'm 14w+2d pregnant with our first baby and we conceived through first time IVF/ICSI (we were very lucky). At the start of the pregnancy I was really struggling with law mood, I believe it had a lot to do with the extra hormones I was taking and pessaries but since I've been able to stop at 12 weeks I've really picked up. All that's bothering me now is my nausea, it's quite extreme, I'm sick on and off in the morning fir a few hours then okay mid afternoon then it starts again at around 9 till about 1am when I fall asleep. I've been given medication but I'm trying to not take it too much. For some reason though my husband has been awful, his attitude towards me has become really nasty and last night an argument occurred over watering some plants and him not helping me. It resulted in him saying that I'm just like any other pregnant woman, why do I think I need to "helped" with things or wrapped in cotton wool and other women just "get on with it". He said he'd been at work all day and all I was doing was enjoying giving him ANOTHER JOB!!! We have been arguing quite a lot over the past few months and are sleeping separately (mainly because of his snoring) but last night I saw a side to him that really disappointed me. I actually ended up saying to him that he seems like he hates the fact that I need to be looked after and have to be the main priority and in a way it's like he's resentful and jealous. He couldn't say much back! I explained how bad my sickness has been making me feel and he just looked at me. I don't know what to do or say to him, he's really hurt me. We've been married nearly 2 years and together for 11...and the way I feel at the moment is more alone than ever.

Oh you poor thing. I don't really have any advice, I've not been through this myself. I do think it's normal for some blokes to freak out a bit and withdraw when massive life changes are happening.
If you were independent before and am now demanding a lot of his attention/help maybe he didn't expect it.
Have a heart to heart.
It's a massive adjustment and I don't think he is coping. In fairness before we got pregnant neither of us realised what it would do to me. It's been incredibly hard on my partner. He feels totally responsible and guilty that I am having a nightmare and he just gets to carry on as normal. But he does need to have more patience with you. Sometimes it just helps to blame someone for how you are feeling and I always blame him.
Your partner is lucky he doesn't have me as a wife because I am an extreme moaner! I hope you guys can sort it out.
I actually had the opposite problem, my bloke told me off for moving a sofa and wouldn't let me carry things and it got too much for me, I had to sit him down and say I'm pregnant, not disabled, and I know you are trying to do the right thing, but I need to retain as much independence as I can before I have a mental break down. If I need your help I will ask, otherwise I can do it myself.
Good luck xxx

Oh and take the medication. Just take it. Don't try to be a hero. Neck that stuff like it's going out of fashion. I was the same, and then I gave it. I took loads continuously even as a preventative because I was scared of the sickness coming back. Just take it and don't feel any guilt.

Thank you for your response, he's a complicated soul with issues himself and he's never really empathetic only for himself. I just feel like sad that he seems to feel so much anger towards me, the reason we had the ivf was because of male factor. I'm wondering if in a weird way he feels guilty that I'm going through this but he's turning it in to resentment. I've offered to go and stop at my parents for a few days to give him space and because I need support, his reply was very brief in that he didn't think that was the answer. Oh well xxx

As long as you keep the lines of communication open maybe in time he will open up.
I know it's a bit cheese but maybe it would be easier for him to write down what he is feeling rather than saying it out loud. If you explain that you just need to understand what's going on in his head.
Maybe he feels a little emasculated with the ivf? Who knows? But it would be easier for you to deal with if you knew what was going on.
Maybe he is feeling things he is too scared to tell you for fear of hurting you?
All this speculation is no good though.
Men are complicated and as sexist as this sounds I believe that they have an expectation of a role they are meant to play governed by society norms and they don't open up and admit when they feel like they are sinking.
I really hope it works out for you two and this is just an adjustment period. X

Bless you love sending hugs xx sometimes the men just don't "get it" find a fellow lady friend to have a moan to or do it in here you'll get lots of love off here.
And yes take meds love xx
Congratulations on your pregnancy

Firstly, virtual hugs. Second, agree that men just don't 'get it' sometimes, especially since every pregnancy is different anyway and, just because some women can perform superhuman feats at the office and still have dinner on the table and a spotless sink by 7pm throughout the whole nine months is no guarantee somebody else isn't going to be bedridden for a nice long chunk as well. So comments like being told just to be like 'other women' quite frankly makes me want to give your husband a long, icy cold glare.

That being said, I think just how much pregnancy changes you can come as a shock to the fellas. It's like imagine how surprised you are about how you feel and then imagine they're about ten paces behind because they're not going through it. My husband did not 'get it' for a while. I had horrid morning sickness and was bordering on bedridden for 2 weeks but, no matter how many times I asked him to help clean the house (and we're not talking get everything spotless here - we're talking 'The recycling is now spilling onto the floor and the bin smells so bad it makes me vomit - please just deal with those things so I don't feel worse than I already do' here) he STILL wouldn't do it and complained I should just be doing it myself if it bothered me so much.

A bit of patience and a good heart to heart sorted it out in the end. I think my husband was just a bit scared of all the changes which were going on and didn't know how to handle it. Plus I realised I hated how dependent I had become, seemingly overnight, so was probably being a bit cranky about the whole situation.

I hope everything works out for you and your husband but just wanted to post and let you know there was light at the end of the tunnel for somebody who was in a similar position.