Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

Original poster

Tips for Maintaining a Healthy Marriage/Relationship when Baby Arrives

15 replies

Greyclay · 19/03/2007 17:56

I thought this subject may be of interest to others as well. My DH and I are expecting our first child in a few months and we are very excited. We are both in our mid 30s and this is the second marriage for each of us (no other children between us). I love him very much and we get along very well but I know that our serene and balanced existance will inevitably change when a new VIP person is introduced into the mix. So, I thought I would solicit the wealth of wisdom here at Mumsnet.

For those of you who are experienced in such matters, what are some of your top tips for making sure the marriage/relationship stays strong when the children arrive? Any big "do NOT do this" suggestions are also welcome! Big thanks...

OP posts:

tassis · 19/03/2007 18:01

We try to get out on our own without LOs about once a month, and have a "date night" (nice meal usually, maybe a DVD) once a week.

whywhywhy · 19/03/2007 18:02

oh blimey.

Forgive yourselves everything. Try not to dwell on rows and resentment. Remember that children do grow up, and eventually sleep, and it gets easier and that you need help not only from eachother but from other people.

Dh and I had a bad time first time and nearly divorced when ds1 was very little. This time (baby due in 3 weeks) we are expecting everything not to be great and are just hoping to get through the hard bits without turning on eachother. (We seemed to have a particularly hard time adjusting, and your experience may well be easier than ours from the beginning anyway- but if it isn't, just remember that things WILL change).

shoobaloo · 19/03/2007 18:04

Patience - patience - patience. With each other and with the new baby. Take it EASY, do not expect to do anything but look after yourself and the baby for the first month. If you feel that DH/DP is not seeing your side of things, write him a letter - i did this and it made things much clearer to DH as we were both too tired to go round and round again speaking about it, but having to sit down and read how i felt made it sink in to him a lot more.

filthymindedvixen · 19/03/2007 18:04

even if he is not Doing It Right, keep your mouth shut and praise him lots amd lots (as long as he's not holding baby upsidedown by ankles into bath of boiling lava...)
Otherwise 1) you will end up doing it all and feel martyrd, knackered and resentful
2) he will end up feeling got at and resentful
3) he will never learn to do it right and will stop offering so you end up doing it all for ever and ever...

This is hard, especially when it is your first and you have read many books prior to the birsth telling you How To Do It Right, and you are feeling over emotional and a little neurotic. But it is vital!

toadstool · 19/03/2007 18:06

Identify the things you really value together and plan ahead - if going out together is valuable, make a list of potential babysitters well in advance. If holidays together are important, book something now for when the baby is 3/4 months old. And so on. It paid off with us to do some forward planning before the birth.

filthymindedvixen · 19/03/2007 18:06

Also, make a pact, write it down and have it signed in front of witnesses if neccessary, that anything you say to each other in the first 6 weeks does not count - you will both be knackered and shell shocked and may snap at each other and say things you later regret. So make it clear in advance that any horridness is not meant

paulaplumpbottom · 19/03/2007 18:07

Its really hard but try to take 10 minutes minimum out of your day and have a cuddle just the two of you.

booge · 19/03/2007 18:09

Very very very important to let your DH get involved with the baby and not try and do it all and make him feel like a spare part. Also do give him some of your time.

Celery · 19/03/2007 18:18

In my experience, after the initial shell shock of the first few weeks, which probably will be difficult, but passes, it's relatively easy to continue to be a couple ( with a baby ) after the first child.

For many couples, us included, having a child brought us closer together, the love I feel for my dh now - as the father of my children, and a bloody good father he is, is wonderful. And I know he feels the same way about me, as a mother.

After the first 3 or 4 months with our first baby we settled into things and life with one baby, if you are lucky, isn't that exhausting. Fast forward 6 years, we now have 3 children, and we are totally exhausted and don't have a moment for each other - but the love is still tender and we are amazing parents. That's why I love him now, more than anything else - because he's a wonderful father. Hopefully the other coupley stuff will return when we are less knackered, but I certainly remember it still being there after our first was born.

lazyemma · 19/03/2007 18:19

hello Greyclay! A few months ago I started a thread about a very similar question. I thought you might be interested to read some of the responses: there's not much in the way of top tips but I think you'll find it helpful nonetheless.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=49&threadid=244081#4903117

MerryMarigold · 19/03/2007 18:22

Try not to transfer all your ability for love onto the baby. It's very tempting! They are cute and needy and never critical, usually happy bundles of reflective love. Just being aware of that may help (it has kind of taken me AND dh unawares and I sometimes feel we both love our ds more than each other!).

MerryMarigold · 19/03/2007 18:27

In terms of 'practicals':

Ask dh to give you a kiss and ask how YOU are when he comes home before turning to play with baby. Even if it is initially 'forced', it will become natural.
Spend time together a few evenings a week once the baby is going to sleep earlier even if it is watching a mutual TV prog

- Don't be overly protective of the child that you won't leave it with a babysitter or family so you can get some time together alone

Greyclay · 19/03/2007 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

theprecious · 20/03/2007 08:54

I am in a similar situ, and a friend of mine gave me the "Babyproofing your marriage" book (she got it free). DH and I both read it and although I don't know if it will be helpful as LO isn't here yet, it certainly made us think about a few things and discuss them upfront.

I would say it's def worth reading, just as a realistic warning of might happen. Any other MNers read it?

midnightexpress · 20/03/2007 12:42

Keep talking! Also, I remember with ds1 the realisation at about 12 weeks that we could put him down at 7pm without worrying that he'd be awake all night - he was crying because he was tired! And of course this meant that we got a couple of hours of grown-up time to ourselves before conking out. It made such a difference to feel like we'd scraped a teeny bit of our lives back.

Good luck!

Flip