Dealing with names and parents

[MenorcaSunrise]

I'm feeling really angry and upset with my husband's parents. When my husband and first got engaged, we broached on a number of occasions the idea of taking on a new surname rather than take one each other's or double barrelling (for various reasons it doesn't work) and they didn't seem to mind in the least. So my husband and I took a long time to think about it and get used to it, and settled on a name we were very happy with.

Now we are at the end if our first pregnancy, his parents have suddenly objected, and what's worse, they have guilted my husband into changing his mind as well! I wasn't even part of this discussion so I feel very let down by them all. I'm upset about the timing, angry that they suddenly feel they have some say, and unhappy at our surname options and that we don't have the time to get comfortable with another one before the baby is here. Their preferred option, to double barrel, looks and sounds terrible to me, a pain to spell (the first name is already hard to pronounce and spell), plus I can't look at it now without feeling it's being imposed on us rather than something we are choosing together. I know we have 6 weeks to register the birth but given how angry I am about it all, I think we need more time (I think we have up to a year to register but leave it blank?). My husband could change his mind, but it was so easily changed the first time, I worry if we go ahead with the name we picked he'll regret it in the long term.

I just feel really stressed now, which I worry is having an effect on the baby - I couldn't sleep last night thinking about it and feeling so mad, baby movements seem to increase when I am thinking about it, and I felt my first braxton hicks contractions today, also while thinking about it. I am also thinking all kinds of unreasonable thoughts like giving back everything they have given us so we gave no obligations to them, giving the baby my surname only which I have the right to, etc, etc. It's not healthy I know - how do I deal with this and get out of this loop?

[DrEllie]

I think you would be well within your rights to name the baby with just your surname-after all you are the one giving birth. I don't think women should feel their name is less important than their DPs when naming kids. You can re-register the baby's name if you get married really easily if you do decide differently later.

[MamaHanji]

Give the baby just your surname. Until your husband can have his own mind and isn't chopping and changing because of his nosey parents, give baby your name!

[Pallisers]

They suddenly objected? Who cares? Why on earth are his parents part of this decision? A gentle "Have you thought that the name rhymes with Arse?" might be helpful from a parent but other than that why on earth do they get a say?

How about you poll your parents and give them an equal vote?

Tell your husband that since he has decided your joint decision is to be abandoned, you have started thinking seriously about the name and you want the baby to have only your name. Or you might consider a double-barrel where the second part of the barrel is your name (Because the parents will be dropping the first part of the double-barrel pronto so baby will have dh's name.)

[MenorcaSunrise]

Thanks for your answers. They have been very generous to us financially, now husband feels bad about abandoning his family name. He is a good guy but he is easily influenced his parents (who normally give very good advice) and friends, so I've always tried to make sure he makes his own mind up when it comes to big decisions - hence why we've waited this long - I wanted him to be sure he was happy with the name we picked and wasn't just going along with what I wanted! I don't want to guilt him, or push him in one direction or manipulate him emotionally, which is what I'd feel like doing if I said I wanted baby to take my name until he makes up his mind. Am I being too nice and conciliatory?

There is obviously also a bit of a deadline. I suppose we can change baby's name to whatever we want whenever we want, but it's already going to be a bit if a faff changing our own names by deed poll and associated documents, I was really hoping whatever name goes on baby's birth certificate, we stick to. We obviously need to talk about this, but I'm trying to get what I want straight in my head first.

[CaptainWarbeck]

Yeah I think you're being too nice. I don't see why his parents have a say in the name that you and your DH choose together.

Doesn't matter about financial help, they shouldn't have been doing that thinking they could then pull strings in decisions affecting your family unit.

I think picking a new name together is lovely and you need to talk to him about why exactly he's changed his mind and if they're reasons he's happy with. But you should stick to your decision. Don't take a double barrelled name for yourself if you hate it! Then it's up to him to decide what he wants to do. You shouldn't have to just go along with what everyone else wants.

[Twinnypops]

There's only two people's opinions who matter - yours and your husband's. If you want the original name (which sounds like a lovely idea) then fight for it.