How much of what people say is actually true?

[WithCheesePlease]

My best friend is 7 months pregnant, and we were chatting recently about the things that people keep saying to her. We're wondering how much of this is actually true and how much is complete exaggeration? She's the first out of our group to have a child, so none of us have any experience:

1. "Oh you better sleep now because you won't sleep again for 20 years".
2. "You won't even have time to shower once the baby comes"
3. "Your hair/nails look lovely, you can forget about ever getting them done again".

Lots more examples, but what I'm wondering is how much of this is actually true? Logically if you never slept again, you'd be dead, and can your husband not hold the baby for 10 mins to let you take a shower?
I know not everyone has a partner, and lots of people have several kids, but why are they saying this to her when it will only be one child and her DH is there too?
Not to mention the horror stories people love telling about labour/birth (40 hours of labour etc).. She's starting to get freaked out and I want to be able to convince her that it's not that bad (if that's true).

Thanks everyone, that is reassuring that in most cases it seems more manageable than people make out, or at least that it's only short term at the start. Fingers crossed that she gets a good sleeper!

I've posted this in a similar situation before, perhaps turn the comments around and think about the person who's saying it rather than about yourself. In many cases they will be sharing their own experience and in many cases they may have found birth / different stages of parenting a particularly difficult time.

I have found it very hard, to the point that I don't think it's normal to feel the way I do. I love my children dearly but the lack of sleep in my case over years has jaded me. I don't do my nails and hair half as much, I don't get the time to, of course I shower but at the beginning it wasn't easy to fit everything in.

So YABU. Whilst each point is not always true, they can be for many and what you don't realise is quite how much time you have on your hands right now compared to when children come. You'd be much wiser to be more open minded and try and learn something from people... ask them what they would have done differently and how theyre feeling now and they might just surprise you. It might also help you to remember what they say if you're feeling overwhelmed yourself at any point.

Good luck, and do make the most of the time you have for yourself right now.

Also should say DD was born on Saturday, the following Saturday I went to a nail appointment with baby in pram. She slept the entire time :-). So it's very possible.

Sometimes I wish someone could have told me the realities before it happened, but I wouldn't have believed them. If I knew what it was going to be like I wouldn't have have kids. I haven't slept properly for 7 years. Dd is 4 and still doesn't consistently sleep through. She screamed constantly as a baby and there were often days with no shower until Dh came home.

There were times when they were babies that I remember thinking "what the hell have I done?!"

But it's not like that for everyone.

What people say tend to be worst case for every aspect. Some bit will be fine, some average and some will be as bad as peple say.

. "Oh you better sleep now because you won't sleep again for 20 years".

You will sleep, just not as much. You can't bank sleep.

1. "You won't even have time to shower once the baby comes"

Yes you will. Pop her in her car seat, take her in the bathroom with you, shower.

1. "Your hair/nails look lovely, you can forget about ever getting them done again".

You will actually find five minutes for stuff like this. You won't be immaculate 24/7 though. You'll be a multi tasking expert!

Well I'm only 6 months in, but unfortunately I agree with them all (single mum which doesn't help!). She is a terrible terrible sleeper. By 4am she is in my bed and if I dare move she'll be awake so no getting out of bed to try and get ready before she wakes up in the morning. She has an irrational fear of the shower (even if the door is open though not sure what difference a glass door makes!) and screams as if she's being tortured if I try and shower with her in the bouncy chair thing. If I manage to put her down for a nap, the only place she'll stay asleep for roughly ten minutes is on my bed so I wouldn't feel safe leaving her on there to shower. Got no hope for having nails or hair done, obviously
However, she is really bloody cute and her cuddles are the best. She doesn't care if I'm stinky (I do manage to shower just not as often as I'd like to )
Also had a 3 day labour. Should've guessed what she'd be like before she popped out

I had 7 years of pretty dreadful sleep deprivation over the course of 2 children. It's been fine since my youngest was 4 or so.

There were days when I couldn't have a shower, but those were t typical days. Also, I have the teensiest bathroom in the world which meant that I couldn't actually fit the baby in a bouncy chair in a safe position on the floor while I washed, so I had to wash either when DP was around or when the baby was asleep, which was tricky due to the lack of baby sleep.

Hair and nails? I never really did my nails before having children. Hair was tricky, partly because I had a lot less money, but also because I was breastfeeding and the baby was a very frequent feeder, so I could only leave her for very short periods of time. This wasn't really s problem with DC1, because DP could mooch around town and bring her to the hairdressers for a feed, but mooching with a baby and a toddler took more effort than a nice haircut is worth.

For the first few weeks, babies don't want to be put down. It will be difficult to find time for a shower, if you are on your own, but while baby's father is on pat leave obviously you can take turns. Once pat leave is over, I showered in the morning before he left for work. Once babies get a bit older, it's easier, put them in their bouncy chair or whatever in the bathroom and you can keep an eye on them (and they on you).
Yes, your life changes. No, you can't bank sleep in advance!!

My piece of advice for any new mothers is not to expect to do anything at all aside from feed the baby and recover from birth for the first two weeks. It won't be that bad, but it helps set reasonable expectations! After that it gets easier fairly quickly as feeds become shorter and the time between them grows.

One thing that I have noticed is that life with a baby is astronomically easier if you have helpful relatives nearby who are happy to look after the baby.

7 week old baby here and yes I've heard it all myself. I totally appreciate that people have different experiences but when it actually happens you will get to deal with it all and find your own way.

Sleep is an issue and it was a bit of a shocker at the beginning but she's sleeping longer and longer (4-5 Hour stretches) and has naps during the day so I nap or rest with her. Plus I find that my sleep is deeper and more restorative even if I sleep for a couple of hours in comparison to my 7-8 hours pre baby. She can be colicky but we are learning to cope with it too and I know some babies really suffer which may impact on time parents have to themselves.

I can no longer do shellac nails I used to have but I go for quick mani and pedi on a Saturday morning while DP minds the baby shop 

As she naps in the morning I always have a shower.

I'm usually out of the house by 12 for a walk and shopping or to meet friends with rudimentary make up on.

As my hairdresser has a home studio anyway, I asked him to come and see me at my home and he did it as a favour so I don't have hellish roots anymore.

I manage to do 20 mins of high intensity work out at home with a DVD every day as I was a keen exerciser before so it's important for me to get my fitness back. This is when baby naps or if she's chilling on the bouncer. I do stop for a quick feed if she needs me and get back to it.

To be fair I had a fairly easy birth - long lead up and then vaginal birth at home with healthy baby so was fortunate to have a relatively smooth recovery. It's different if the birth is difficult or you have to recover from major surgery after CS or episiotomy or serious tears or if baby is unwell.

And I had a 53 hour labour but that's from first twinge to me pushing on all fours on my bedroom floor . Yes it was long but it built up slowly so I was able to cope with more and more pain as it progressed so I managed it and got gas and air at the end. Hypnobirthing techniques were great so look into these and make your MW your closest ally.

It's all doable and workable if you have the support in place. Don't be shy to request it either and make sure your DP is also prepared to do his bit e.g. mine takes over as much as he can on weeknights and weekends. I used to clean my flat but now I got the cleaner. The added bonus is that cleaner loves my baby and agreed to look out for her couple of times when I nipped out to the shops while she napped. I also ask my mates to come and help me with stuff when I need help while DP is at work all day. One of the things I did realise recently is how l never used to like asking for help or felt that I should cope with everything myself. Balls to that - people actually love helping out. I know I do. So don't be shy to ask for support.

Our dd is 5 weeks old today. She is beautiful and we adore her, every single thing is worth it because she's here.
But it is difficult. More difficult than we thought - but our dd had trouble gaining weight so we've had to do a special feeding regime which has been quite time and energy consuming.
Life changes immeasurably - i spend my days feeding her, changing nappies and changing clothes, wondering of I'll be able to have a nap. I manage a shower or bath most days, usually because my mum or sister look after dd for half an hour if dh is at work.
The birth was a very long process but i have a healthy daughter so I don't mind.
It's difficult, but you just look at your child and realise how every single thing was worth it. She will love being a mum.

I had such awful insomnia when pregnant that it was miles better once she was born. To start with, it was only short bursts of an hour and a half at a time, but it was better quality sleep. By 3 months she was doing a reliable 6-hour stretch overnight, so I started to feel human-ish again. I'm sure that baby sleep is down to luck, rather than anything you do or don't do.

Having a shower is a priority for me, so I showered daily, even if that meant she cried in her basket for 5 minutes. I didn't wear make up or do anything with my hair beyond wash it, but I was clean. That and laundry were the things I clung to, and everything else got fitted in, or didn't, when there was time.

Nails and stuff, not sure because I don't do them, but if she has a DH, then she can leave the baby for an hour or two to get them done as soon as she wants to. I had to leave DD with her Nan so I could have emergency dental treatment when she was 5 weeks old, and once I'd got over leaving her once it was easier to do it again. Having a decent stash of expressed milk in the freezer helped me loads.

1. DC2 didn't nap or sleep through for the first 3 years. He now sleeps but I continue to suffer from insomnia related to years of disruption. he is now 9yo.

2. Showering was never much of an issue - just seemed to take an inordinate amount of mental energy...as with so many other seemingly simple tasks that lost their spontaneity when having to factor in a baby.

3. I've always done my own nails and I used to take the baby with me to hair appointments so not really a problem time wise. However my nails have become more fragile since pregnancy and my hair is thinner and I now have grey hairs (appeared during my last pregnancy) - so they don't look as good as they used to.

My DS slept well and I suffered from pregnancy insomnia. That first night home from the hospital was the best nights sleep I'd had in months, despite it being in 2-3 hour blocks. Yes sometimes you have bad nights, but if you get a good sleeper (luck) then it's not too bad at all. My DS slept through 11/12 hours from about 7 months and was only up once or twice a night from about 2 months.

Showering, the first few months are a bit random but I always managed to either fit it in nap time or when DH was home. Some days I was probably a bit scruffy if I wasn't going out, but that never really bothered me much. it just depends on your priorities and your baby of course. Mine was happy to be put down and napped in his cot or wherever so I could get stuff done.

I've got a 6-week-old currently napping on my shoulder

I'd say the sleep issue is draining but manageable if you get a good sleeper. My DS does 2-4 hours at a stretch at night - when it's three lots of 2 hours, I feel knackered but when it's two lots of 3-4 hours, I feel fine. But I only ever slept 7 hours ish before.

I've had a shower every day and blow-dried my hair, put basic make-up on. Not always in one go! I usually do it when he naps or if he's especially sleep-resistant, with him in the bouncy chair. I probably wouldn't take him with me to a salon but he will take a bottle of expressed milk so I have the option of leaving him with DH.

I have taken him out for coffee or lunch and also had friends over, been to others' houses. Everything takes longer and is more of a faff, but if you have a good-tempered baby and a bit of a routine, it's do-able.

And a new baby is an absolute joy!!! I'd say prepare for the worst in case she gets a non-sleeper, Velcro baby, but hope for the best!!

I have one child and another on the way. I have no family around and with my first I had no friends around to help. I became a little OCD to fit in everything between naps. I found the key was consistent routine. I would be up with baby and DH when he went to work in the morning 7ish and nap time would always be around 9-9.30 so I could get a quick shower and breakfast. Afternoon nap around 2-3 where I had an hour to sort out dinner washings etc. Your friend will become Wonder Woman! I rarely had time for internet/phone as all my free time when baby was sleeping was taken up by things that needed to be done. When DH came from work he showered and sorted rest of dinner or spent time with DS and apart from feeding I was kind of free in the evenings. It worked out well for us. It will be same for us this time but with a 4 year old so things may get a bit tricky. It all depends on the baby and the parents. Our son was sleeping through from 6 weeks and we never woke DS for feeds if he slept through I expressed and if he was hungry still I would top him up with expressed milk. Everyone is different and has their own opinions on what works and doesn't work for them. Can't wait for the 2nd to arrive! Good luck to your friend! She will be fine

My baby girl is 6 weeks...remember all babies are different but here's my take on some of those things....

1. "Oh you better sleep now because you won't sleep again for 20 years".

Sleeping when pregnant? Ha! When I do actually sleep now I sleep better but it's sort of worse as I'm up for an hour with her feeding (BF takes longer for my baby than when I give her a bottle). Sleeping before the baby comes won't make a difference for the lack of sleep you'll have when the baby gets here. It's hard but you do get used to it quickly. You can try and 'nap when the baby naps' but I try and go out everyday so that doesn't really work for me and if she's asleep in the day I want to catch up on here and watch my tv shows!

1. "You won't even have time to shower once the baby comes"

This is crap, I shower everyday and even put on my make up, including my eyeliner. I may have to stop during my make up if she needs me but once I'm in that shower I'm in there and it's bliss. I make sure she is happy and safe first and I shower. The first few weeks are hard and you may not want to put yourself first like that but I need to still be me so I prioritise that after she is happy.

1. "Your hair/nails look lovely, you can forget about ever getting them done again".

In addition to my make up, I still style my long hair everyday with my GHDs...it may not alway be straight away but I give myself a much longer 'getting ready' timeframe before we need to leave.

Nails....well I've painted them twice in 6 weeks so this one I have sacrificed, I did it once for a wedding (it took me two hours to finally finish!) and once just for me. I tried to do them at the weekend but we had lots of plans so didn't. When the baby is asleep then that's you time, so indulge if you can.

Also keep or get a cleaner. We already had one and even though I'm on statutory maternity pay we're keeping her as that's pressure off us both. It is a luxury we are lucky enough to afford in our budget (we are not rich but comfortable) if you can afford one then get one. 😊

I've got an 8 week old. I was soooo smug/pleased with myself last week that I'd managed to get both of us up and dressed and bathed before 10am...until I realised later in the day I'd not washed the conditioner out of my hair.
When partner at work it's hard to get organised on a morning but it's getting easier. He gives me a break when not at work to get a full nights sleep and i go get my nails done fortnightly to make me feel slightly more human. I've definitely gone a day or two without brushing my hair though!!!

Everyone will be keen to share the worst parts of their own experience, the things that they felt unprepared for, but it's unlikely that you'll experience all of them at once.

All of it is true for some people.

I've got 6 month old twins and on the sleep front the only surprise I've had is that for some babies sleep actually gets worse! No one ever told me about this. One baby is a great sleeper the other terrible! From newborn to 16 weeks he got better and better which I was really happy about then all of a sudden at about 18-20 weeks he decided night time was party time and literally will be awake for hours at a time. At least as a little baby he just needed fed and changed then it would be back to sleep! Obviously this doesn't happen with al babies as my daughter sleeps through.

1. "Oh you better sleep now because you won't sleep again for 20 years"

DC1 is a crap sleeper. You just get used to it. It's not great but on balance, it's not that bad either as long as you have a supportive DP or some family who will take the baby for a couple of hours here and there so you can catch up on your sleep.

1. "You won't even have time to shower once the baby comes"

Bollocks. Shower when the baby is napping or get DP / family to hang on to the baby for 20 minutes while you shower. I have had a shower every day since DC1 was born (nearly 2) unless I was feeling particularly lazy, then I didn't and that was my choice.

1. "Your hair/nails look lovely, you can forget about ever getting them done again".

Again - bollocks. I have done my nails in the same way as I did before the arrival of DC1. Sometimes I go longer in between hair appointments but with supportive DP / family you can make the time.

I don't know why people tell mothers-to-be this kind of stuff...

I don't have any family near but me and DH have made things work -
you find a way make sure everything gets done.

Motherhood is a massive change to your life and some days you won't shower / change your pants etc because the day will pass in a blur of nappies and feeding. Then after the first 3 months, (Google the 4th trimester) things start to get back on more of an even keel - baby sleeps for longer, also realises that you and he / she are not actually the same person and you can be separated (not holding the baby) for more than 30 seconds.

Don;t even get me started on the labour talk either... Your friend should tell people to keep their horror stories to themselves. I ended up being really rude to people in the end because it is the only way they get it. One woman asked me where I was having DC1 and when I told her, she gave me a massive story about how awful the hospital was and how she would never go there again etc - I was 38 weeks pregnant!

Honestly - the whole thing really isn't as bad as people make out and I am saying that after having PND and PTSD following the birth of DC1! It can't be that bad as I am having another one.

Good luck to your friend.