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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Any advice on telling family the good news?

9 replies

user1484167681 · 09/05/2017 20:57

Hi ladies! In a slightly unusual position; got my BFP on Sunday so am 4 weeks now. On Saturday I'm moving in with my in-laws for 7 weeks. My husband is out of the country for 2 weeks now and then for all of June. I have a very strong preference to only announce after 12 weeks, but realistically there's no way I can live with my MIL for the first trimester, without her noticing.

By chance we are seeing my family on the morning, and his whole family in the evening, of the 20th- that will be 5w+5. It would be a nice, convenient time to announce it- whilst everyone is around and DH is in the country.

BUT... it really is a LOT earlier than I'd like (and I think news will spread among DH's extended family like wildfire), AND it's my SIL's birthday dinner, so I don't want to steal her thunder (although her actual birthday was last week).

What would you do??

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ButterflyFree · 09/05/2017 21:11

Are you symptomatic yet, i.e. suffering from morning sickness, and that's why you wouldn't be able to hide it from MIL...? I was fortunate enough that I didn't have any morning sickness at all, so only DH and I knew up until we felt confident enough to share the news with our families at 12 weeks ish.

If you are having obvious symptoms already and wouldn't be able to hide them whilst living with MIL, then I think just sharing the news between you and the very closest in-laws once your DH is back would be the best option. Surely they'd respect your wishes if you asked them not to spread the news until you're out of the 'danger zone' of the first trimester?

mrsbumblebees · 09/05/2017 21:17

I had always thought that I would wait until after the 12 week scan before telling anyone (parents included), but as it was I developed really bad anxiety in my first trimester and ended up telling my parents at about 9 weeks because I really needed their support. Looking back now I can honestly say I wish I had told them earlier! They were so supportive and it really helped having someone to talk to about things other than my DH - this might be something to think about if your DH is going to be away quite a lot? They of course kept it to themselves until after I had the 12 week scan and gave the go ahead for them to start telling people.

I understand it might be a bit different with your in-laws, depends on your relationship with them I guess! But I would hope that if you do tell them, they would respect your wishes in terms of not spreading the news until you are ready to do so.

Good luck with whatever you decide

Original poster

user1484167681 · 09/05/2017 21:18

Not too much yet, although lots of loo trips...! My mum commented on that on Sunday night, and I was only visiting for 3 hours. :S

I basically don't want to get into a situation where I've had to tell my MIL, but haven't told my own parents, and my husband is away. (Although I realise this isn't the end of the world! More wondering whether to risk the 20th).

DH's family are from abroad, and in their culture the world and his wife knows as soon as your period is a day late. And to complicate matters, DH's grandmother is staying with my in laws for this month too, so I think it's an all-or-nothing reveal. There was a similar thing with an illness in the family that was meant to stay private, and didn't, so I'm under no illusions! :)

OP posts:

ButterflyFree · 09/05/2017 21:36

Oh gosh OP, I understand! My DH and my in-laws are also from a different country and culture (I live in their country - my family are still based back home in the UK) and it's also one where any such news would travel at lightning speed, hence why we were so keen to keep it quiet from everyone until we reached the 12-week landmark, because I did have some bleeding between 7-8 weeks.

In our case, as soon as we hit 12 weeks we told my DH's mum and siblings, and MIL promptly arranged a massive celebratory dinner for all her random extended family members 😂 The weirdest thing for me was telling the in-laws before telling my family, because we waited another few weeks before we had the opportunity to fly back to the UK and tell them in person. So that in-between time of his family knowing and my family not knowing was a bit tricky. But it was completely worth waiting to tell my family face-to-face as the reaction was so special (first grandchild AND first great-grandchild ☺️).

If I were you, in your precise situation, and there really was no way of hiding it until 12 weeks... I think I'd go with the 20th option. Tell your family earlier in the day when you see them, and then gently share the news with your in-laws at dinner but at least keep reiterating to them that it's still early days and you have to be cautious until the first trimester is completed.

beekeeper17 · 09/05/2017 21:41

Probably depends how much time you're going to be spending with them while you live there, will you have your own separate space or will you be spending a lot of time with them? If you're quite separate it should be easier to hide it, depending on how your first trimester goes. I felt utterly exhausted and had a poor appetite and literally lay on the sofa every evening after work and my DH had to do all the cooking and housework but I did feel an awful lot better by about 9 weeks. If you really don't want to tell them, you may be able to get away with it depending on your living situation and you could always have some 'viral infection' for a couple of weeks. But if you do want to tell them and have their support especially while your DH is away, then that's absolutely fine too. But I would avoid announcing at the birthday get together.

Original poster

user1484167681 · 09/05/2017 22:11

Thanks for your advice, everyone! Good to find a kindred spirit with the cultural challenges, Butterfly- I'm still learning even though we've been together for 6 years...

Have been bombarding DH with all your comments and views. Still got some time to decide, and certainly don't want to spoil the birthday celebration. Everyone tends to sit around having drinks for hours after dinner, so increasingly thinking that would be the right time...

Also, apparently my MIL is a Mumsnetter- and my comments would be a dead giveaway immediately. Hoping she's not on this section...!

OP posts:

HopefullyDothButterNoParsnips · 10/05/2017 06:05

Hi OP I'm also thinking of telling family early. I live abroad and will be home next week to see both families. We will be 5 weeks when we see mine and 6 weeks when we see DHs. I'm thinking of telling the parents then as it will be nicer to tell them in person. And then they'll be under strict orders to keep it quiet as I don't want work to know until 14 weeks or so. Good luck OP.

MissBax · 10/05/2017 06:13

Why will they find out? Unless you start having hyperemesis I can't imagine they would. In terms of regular loo trips and feeling tired could you just say you're a bit under the weather?

lastnightiwenttomanderley · 10/05/2017 06:15

OP if I were you I'd wait until MIL rumbles you and then you can answer - in confidence - saying that you don't want anyone to know until after the 12 week scan, just in case.

Do ILs family have much contact with yours? If you do become aware that MIL has broken your confidence (and I'm sorry but I wouldn't let cultural differences excuse that) then you can find an opportunity to tell your family at the time.

Good luck and congratulations!

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