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Smoking OH

11 replies

MissBax · 06/05/2017 09:07

I decided to post in here following a previous post in AIBU.
Basically I'm 5 months pregnant and my OH smokes - he has never smoked inside or around me. I am just becoming more worried as it nears our due date (end of August). He has quite before but it's never lasted more than a few weeks. I've read there is an increased risk of SIDS when a parent smokes - even if they smoke outside - and obviously I'm massively worried about his health and premature death and how that would affect our family. I know he wants to quit and he's given himself till the end of July as a goal, but I don't know whether it'll last.
I've tried the nice hand holding tactic, I've tried the facts and statistics and "cruel to be kind" tactic, but obviously ultimately its for him to do himself.
I'm sure others have the same problems, so just wondering how you went about things or whether I just need to back off and accept it could be worse?

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Winniethepooer · 06/05/2017 09:11

I think you need to be clear with OH about how much this...dislike/hate/worry about/concerns you.

If he won't stop (& as a former 30 a day smoker it is won't and not can't) then you need to make very clear the 'rules' around his smoking for when tbe baby arrives.

Lolabee · 06/05/2017 09:22

My OH smokes. Nothing I seem to be able to do to get him to change that either.
He doesn't smoke in the house but does in his car. He forgot himself yesterday and went to get in my car with a fag lit and then said I was unreasonable for giving him a bollocking as I was in the car too.

beekeeper17 · 06/05/2017 09:25

Buy him the Allen Carr book, easyway to stop smoking (the original one, there are quite a few variations with a bit of a different focus). It works wonders!

buckyou · 06/05/2017 09:50

They told us at a prenatal class that there are basically hardly any cases of SIDS where neither of the parents smoked.Shock if he doesn't stop now he will never stop.

My husband was struggling, but he now vapes which seems to keep him happy. Has he tried that?

Oysterbabe · 06/05/2017 10:01

Agree that if he doesn't stop you need some clear rules in place for when the baby arrives. For example I would want him to take off the outer layer of clothing he'd worn while smoking, wash his hands and not hold the baby immediately after. I wouldn't want my child to see him smoking ever.

To many non-smokers smokers smell disgusting and I wouldn't want my child to find that smell normal. The children of smokers are much, much more likely to smoke themselves so it's not just the immediate health concerns that are an issue.

Ultimately he'll only stop if he really wants to. There is no need to wait until July, why not right now. Also another recommendation for the Allen Carr book. I was a 15 a day smoker, stopped immediately and never smoked again.

MissBax · 06/05/2017 11:02

Thanks for all the comments - one of my friends used the Allen Carr book and swears by it so will definitely borrow that or buy a copy. We also have antenatal classes booked so hoping when he hears it from a professional it'll shock him into reality. He has vaped before, but seemed to somehow find it didn't work for long 😕. I just had another chat with him this morning and he said he's going to buy some e-liquid for his vape again today!

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Lunalovepud · 06/05/2017 21:12

Giving up smoking isn't difficult with the right support - I smoked for years and tried giving up with gum, patches - everything. In the end I just made up my mind and gave up with DH. He used gum, I went cold turkey and I was determined not to crack first! Does he have a friend he could give up with?

Winniethepooer · 06/05/2017 21:56

Luna even with the right support its incredibly difficult to give up smoking.

I smoked 30 a day for over 20 years.

I only stopped due to fear. I watched my Mil due from lung cancer. It ravaged her. She died eithin 6 weeks of being diagnosed.
It was horrific.

But if i ever start smoking again, I very much doubt, i would have the will power to stop again.

Op your OH needs to want to stop...

Lunalovepud · 06/05/2017 22:16

Winnie I also smoked like a chimney for just under 20 years... I apologise if it seemed like I was minimising the effort needed to give up - it does take a lot of effort.

I think you have to have 100% made your mind up to do it in order to be successful and that's the difficult bit.

I wonder if OPs DP has made his mind up to give up, or if he is just trying because he thinks he should.

My DH has smoked socially since a couple of times but I have never had one - I am sure that if I had one, it would be a slippery slope for me so you have more willpower than I do!

Oopsypoopsy · 07/05/2017 00:01

I used the Alan Carr book too! Before trying for my first baby (he's 7 now) and it gives you the right attitude towards stopping. I've never looked back or had a cigarette ever since. My DH tried when I did and didn't succeed, he was meticulous about cleaning himself and freshening up after going out for a smoke and never smelled of it. I never said a thing as nagging would never make him do anything he didn't want to do, then when my 2nd DD was born it was as though a switch flipped in him and when she was 5 weeks old he had his last cigarette and went cold turkey, I was so happy! We're now 3.5 years down the line and he is still a non smoker and I'm sure he always will be. Also the kids don't know he ever did it! My DS1 had also started to ask him questions as he would go to the window and see him smoking so that also gave him a huge nudge in the right direction. I really hope he stops, I think children can be a huge motivation. x

MissBax · 07/05/2017 19:04

Thanks everyone :) Luna there is definitely an aspect of him giving up cos he knows he should rather than because he's ready. He's ordered some e-liquid and I've ordered the Allen Carr book for him. He said he wants to read it so thats positive and I'm hoping that means he might be ready after that. If not then yes, he will be under strict order to change, wash hands and brush teeth before holding our DD. I know he won't want that so I'm hoping having her will change something within him.
Winnie I'm sorry to hear about your MIL dying so suddenly ❤ but atleast some good has come from it with you quitting for good. X

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