Advic needed - am I being unreasonable?

[hammett98]

Hi everyone,

So I'm a Dad to be. Our baby is due 11/6 and everything is going well. But I find myself needing advice as my feelings contradict what Ive learned about supporting my wife through labour.

My wife is very close to her mum and sister - extremely close. She told me the other night that her mum and sister wanted to come to the hospital in the first few hours after birth. This is the first she has mentioned of it and my immediate reaction was some what horrified. We have been making a birth plan together and my expectation was that we would be bonding as a new family - the three of us - and now I feel like it is being hijacked. I think my first feeling was that my wife was doubting my ability to support her through labour and the time period immediately following, which was hurtful as we have done all the classes, scans and appointments together. I have never once given any indication that I wouldnt be there for her and our baby 100%. In fact, if Im honest, I have probably done more reading and learning than she has and probably have more knowledge than her at this point. My next thought was that this will be arguably the most important and significant day of my life - and I dont get to enjoy it - I have to share in my my mother in law and sister in law. I feel like I dont understand why they wont leave us alone for 5 minutes to focus on bringing baby into the word and all the elements that go with it straight afterwards. Why the need to interfere? I picture being judged and told how to hold my baby and change her and wrap her in a blanket and all the things that I might not be perfect at on attempt number one, and yet Ill have a critical presence there judging me the whole time.

The problem is, Im there to support my wife and I know that she gets the final say. Thats a major element in my commitment to support her. But Im actually really upset that the whole thing could be tarnished for me by the fact I have to share it with the in-laws. I mean, I wouldn't dream of inviting my parents along. To me its a personal and important time to bond with my baby and wife in bringing a new family into the world. Its almost like Im gonna end up sitting out in the waiting room and then I'll go in a bit later when everyone else has finished bonding with my baby and then I can take my turn - I know thats ridiculous but its the feeling behind it thats difficult for me.

Now this could be an over-react by me. I acknowledge that. I had and still have an expectation in my mind based on the previous work me and my wife have done on what will happen through the entire process before, during and after labour. But I now feel like a big element of that has been shattered and it has hit me quite hard otherwise I wouldn't even be asking for advice. Should I just accept it as something normal? Is it common? Did anyone out there have their mothers/sister at their birth or immediately after? Did your husband/partner mind? Was there interference? Do women generally lack confidence in their partners ability to provide the support they need?

Thanks for any help or comments you can give me. Please go easy on me if you have strong feelings on the matter - my confidence has already taken a battering!

I completely understand your feelings. I know it must seem like ita just a time for your little family to bond, but your wife will have been through a huge thing. Your baby may be your focus, but your wife will be a patient. She will need the support of the people who help her most. Please don't make this into her offending you, and making you feel like you can't help. I know of a lot of women who had their mums/sisters in the delivery room with them and their partner. It could be worse.

No advice, as such, but I totally agree with your point of view. I feel the same way, me, husband, baby. You need to find out why your wife wants this, she might have a different point of view. Or, on discussion, see your reasoning. She just may not have considered everything that you point out, let her know how you feel...

My mother in law ended up being present at the birth, something I was hoping wouldn't happen, but in the end was very grateful for.

It's great that you are supportive but your wife is the one doing the donkey work, if she wants her mum and sister visiting soon after then you should go with that. You must be guided by her on visitors and back her up.

You must also go with the flow, it might not go how you expect and she might change her mind. I

Your in laws are not going anywhere so it's best to learn to live with them. Mumsnet is here for in law problems as they arise!

Good luck to you and your wife.

My mother and OH will be with me during the whole labour, I could not think of doing it any other way. However you should still be respected and allowed time with your little family I'm sure as time goes by you will spend so much time together! I'd suggest watching one born every minute it's interesting to see different family dynamics etc. good luck and congratulations x

I think you have to tell her how you feel OP, be prepared to compromise if she feels strongly about them being there of course but you and DW definitely need to talk.

I obviously can't speak for her but I would have felt awful if I'd imposed something on my DH he wasn't happy with when our DD was born and even worse if he'd felt he couldn't tell me.

As I said you do need to be prepared to compromise if she really feels she needs the extra support but hopefully she will compromise too and you can find a middle ground you're both happy with.

After the babies born you could even do some skin to skin contact meaning that you are one of the first human beings that outside the mother who the baby feels and hears the heart beat of x x

Doubt your in laws will show skin like that, so it's quite personal and slightly deeper connection.

Also worth remembering that because she wants support from them, it doesn't mean she doesn't want support from you. They are not mutually exclusive.

Watching someone give birth is also tiring and overwhelming, you might be glad of a breather to compose your thoughts.

I'm pregnant and approaching the end of my pregnancy and this has got me thinking.
In my case I just want my partner at the birth, but i absolutely want my mum to visit us all in hospital, should I even be there for visiting time if I've not already been discharged.
It's not a confidence thing in my book, it's more a wanting to share the birth of my child with the people I love, DP will be the first person (apart from me hopefully) who holds our child once born. I think it's pretty normal for family to visit post birth.

Why do you believe your in laws would be judging and advising/correcting you?
And as a slight aside your post comes across very 'me' orientated, you've done the reading, you've done the learning, you need to speak to your wife, but also be prepared that she may well need support from her mum and sister alongside the support you give and that this isn't necessarily a reflection on you.

Thanks for the replies and kind words. Relieved to know my feelings are at least understood even if it does seem that I'll need to compromise, which I think I was half expecting. Cant wait to be a dad - and half hoping for a middle of the night baby so in laws will be sleeping!

I understand what you are saying. Neither of us were very close to our parents in the way you wife appears to be so it was a simple decision for us to both want to spend time together immediately the birth being a family of 3. We didn't keep baby to ourselves for long though and visitors were very welcome once I was comfortable and back on the ward. I think you both need to compromise and invite visitors after an agreed time. A couple of hours was enough for us and it is lovely to share your joy with everyone. I think you are overthinking and planning this far too much - you have no idea how either of you will feel once baby is here. Your wife may well be exhausted after a difficult birth and if its been a long labour you will probably be off home for a sleep. Don't plan the time after birth too much - my word of advice is see how it goes on the day.

I was expecting them to visit post birth - I guess my expectation wasnt like 2 hours later. I generally feel judged by them - they are very judgemental with me across the board on most issues. My post probably is very "me" orientated" as I wanted to be honest and say how I felt. My only point with the reading and learning was to highlight that I hadnt given her any indication I wasnt stepping up to the plate to give her the support she needed - based on my experiences with the NCT course we did - Ive done substantially more than a lot of men do. In fact, my wife asks me about elements of labour she doesnt know!

In the kindest possible way, this really isn't about you. And although you might be well prepared you will never have the knowledge or experience of a mum. Its completely natural for your wife to want her mum there. My advice is speak to your wife, and when your MIL does turn up instead of trying to prove that you're a pro at everything already, ask for her help. Ask her to show you how to swaddle. The result may surprise you.

I take you point fully - and Im not trying to be a pro at everything. I think I naturally do my best and try my hardest with anything I do, regardless of whether I do it right or not - its more a case of at least I'll do my best. My MIL is more one to criticize in a negative sense than offer help.

I'm a bit with you on this. I sometimes feel like dads cant win, they are criticised for both not being involved and being too involved. I think its understandable to want a little bit of time just the 3 of you. My parents will be at the hospital but in the waiting room and my DH will only go get them once we feel we've done all we need to do as a family.

As per the advice of others, I would talk ro your DW. I think your original post was explained quite rationally and reasonably. Perhaps she isnt aware of how strongly you feel about it. I wouldnt want my DH tl be this upset about something. Good luck.

I really understand your perspective and second the advice that you should explain to your wife how you feel about this. I don't think it's about not trusting you, though, so I wouldn't make it about this. Incidentally I was talking to my DP about hiring a doula the other day and his reaction was "oh you want to replace me as you don't trust me", when it hadn't occurred to me at all that he would see it this way. I had just seen it as someone with a completely different function and hadn't connected it to what it would feel like to DP. So, it is good to talk about your feelings as otherwise she might just not be aware. And I think it's important you tell her as I'd feel the same as you about having that special family bonding time ruined by in-laws... She should take this into consideration too and you can find a compromise!

I had no mum and partner with me when I had my baby 6 months ago. A 6 hours in to a horrific labour my mum and partner were arguing over who knows me best. I left them to it and in the end my mum stormed out. I think you need to be firm in what you want too. Tell your wife you feel like youll be pushed out and want a few hours as the 3 of you first. Or you could be the other side. When my son was born I couldn't wait for visitors to show him off lol

Thank you for all the replies and understanding. BringmetoTea, that sounds awful - I would definitely not argue with MIL in front of my wife as I know that would give her no support at all and at the end of the day thats what I'm there for. If she did show up I'd go with what my wife wanted. I suppose in a way I should be grateful she doesnt want her there during labor.

I had my parents and sister & brother in law visit right after giving birth. I didn't know they were there, but were pacing in the waiting room! I was still a bit shell shocked at the moment, but it was lovely to see them and to show off our new baby. My MIL and DH's brother's family came shortly after as well. No one stayed long, just a quick visit to see I was okay and to see the new bundle (like 5-10 mins max). I am close with my family and they are very considerate so it wasn't an issue at all and it was great! If it had been people that wanted to linger for hours I think I would have hated it!

Hopefully yours will be considerate to both you and your wife's feelings on the day and take their cues from you guys graciously!

My mother was present at the birth of my DS. We had discussed it beforehand and agreed that should would be there as DH is very squeamish. It was a joint decision and theres no way I would have gone against his wishes as although I was going to be doing the work, it is his baby too. Talk to your wife and explain how much this means to you.

I feel for you, I always think it's so unfair that women (generally) get the say in things. Personally I think it's about you, your wife, and baby. I understand she might want the comfort of her mum after giving birth, especially as it can be so exhausting, but I think it's something to be discussed and agreed on, rather than her just telling you it's happening.
I'm pregnant and due I'm August, my MIL just told me the other day she's booked the week of my due date off work so she "can be there when the big day comes". I told her that the midwife said I could be two weeks overdue, but as she works at the hospital next door to where I'm set to give birth she said she will just leave clinic if Ita another time.
I'm much closer to my mum than my partner is to his, and ny mum wouldn't make any assumptions that she'll be there without me asking. I understand why MIL wants to be there but I don't want to share yhat moment with anyone other than my partner.
Definitely speak to your wife (as I will to my partner), and if they do come shortly after the birth, they will then be guests into your family and do not let them condescend you at all. You have every right to call the shots in that situation. Good luck :) x

You may be overthinking just a little bit. It's completely normal for family to visit. You should also be calling your parents/siblings to visit shortly after birth. If they were talking about being there for the labour and staying around for hours after I see your problem but if they're visiting for an hour that's really the done thing. You get to hand the baby to them and introduce him/her to them. Enjoy showing off!

I think your problem is that your ILs sound like they criticise you. You need to address that with your wife and tell her how it feels. She may not notice how overbearing they are and probably won't like you bringing it up, but that is the dynamic which threatens your relationship with your wife and may well cause problems in the future.

Nothing will stop your bond with your child. From that first moment you will be Daddy and nothing can change that. Your wife will also be changing nappies, babygros etc for the first time so you shouldn't worry if it doesn't go smoothly the first few times. Actually, trying to work out where those tiny poppers match up is something you can all work out together before admitting defeat.

My DM is rather overbearing and managed to appear, wearing scrubs, at my side just after I'd had a planned cs. She then proceeded to boss everyone around and reappeared over the next few days to depress and irritate us. My dh was brilliant and just focussed on me while keeping calm with her. We both agreed that for the next baby she was on a total ban other than on short planned visits.

It's a tricky one as I can see both sides. I desperately want my Mum there but it isn't possible; and I want her there as additional support for me as we're very close and I'm terrified about giving birth and want her support, and to help me get through giving birth. My DH isn't that confident around blood or hospitals and I also want him to be able to focus on our new baby. Probably not worded very well but might give you an insight into how your wife feels?

She definitely needs to tell her family to cut you some slack though, it's normal to mess up the babygros/swaddles- it's how you learn. Could you agree you'll contact them when you are both ready and they'll pop over to the hospital for a short visit then leave you to it?