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DH can't cope with idea of pregnancy 4

21 replies

psamiad35 · 02/05/2017 01:13

Posting this as don't want to feel so alone..... plus just need an outlet to vent.

Found out yesterday I'm expecting no.4. Not planned.... hubby has said ever since no.3 (Which is his 1st, other 2 are mine from a previous relationship) that he wanted no more. Joked if I fell again he'd move out.

So here we are. No.4. He hasn't reacted well. At all. He had a few beers while we were with friends this afternoon. Lost his shit on the way home cos current 3 were arguing in the back of the car. Tried to exit a moving vehicle.......

I just....... I guess I hoped in the reality of the situation everything would be ok. He keeps saying he won't cope, there's no way we're having another. But I can't go through with a termination.

Am I being selfish if I say it's my body therefore my decision?? Bearing in mind his feelings are obviously rather overtly opposite to mine?

We both work, we wouldn't have to claim benefits if we had another or anything like that, so there's no detriment to the kids we already have in that respect.

Not sure what I'm looking for here. Like I said, maybe I just needed to vent :(

OP posts:
csa26 · 02/05/2017 01:33

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say in response psamiad, just don't want you to feel alone. Just spent 15 minutes writing a response to you and then deleted it all for fear of sounding patronising Confused

csa26 · 02/05/2017 01:44

Going to try again:

  1. I can't imagine what it would do to your relationship if you aborted a baby you wanted, because your husband wanted you to.

  2. Our baby is about as planned as it's possible for a child to be, and my husband still freaked out when I told him I was pregnant. It's early days for your husband.

  3. Which isn't to say that he will change his mind. Just give him a bit of time maybe.

  4. It might help to articulate in your own mind why you don't want a termination: is it because you always wanted no. 4/because you see this as your baby and a termination as killing it/because you're afraid of the procedure or the emotional impact/etc

  5. I'm really sorry you've had a horrible couple of days and you must be terrified for the future. Hugs.
psamiad35 · 02/05/2017 01:44

Bless you..... dont worry about sounding patronising! Maybe its something i need to hear!! Thank you for bothering to respond at all.....

OP posts:
sleepingdragons · 02/05/2017 01:45

It is your body and your decision. He can say what he thinks and you can choose how much you want to take his feelings into consideration. But ultimately it is your body, health and mental wellbeing that will be affected by the choices you make.

He has no right to lose his shit with you. You were having sex - he knows how babies are made, presumably.

csa26 · 02/05/2017 01:50

sleepingdragons yeah that is a good point - have to say one of my thoughts was "if he's that desperate to have no more children why are his speem ducts still intact...?" Might not be constructive for psamiad to raise that just now though Hmm

psamiad35 · 02/05/2017 01:50

I have always said I'd quite happily carry on. My pregnancies so far have been straight forward, so have the labors/births. I'm an only child so maybe that's part of it.

Destroying a life is part of it for sure. And I know how much all 3 of kids would love another sibling :)

But then he says I'd be destroying his if I go ahead......

Sigh. We've hardly talked since getting home. The odd dig accusing me of being funny with him. Hoping tomorrow will be better after his beer fug has cleared!!

OP posts:
KickAssAngel · 02/05/2017 01:52

If he doesn't want any more children he needs to have a vasectomy or stop having sex. He can't have PIV sex and somehow just 'hope' that the obvious natural conclusion won't happen. Some people are really fertile (I know one couple who used THREE types of contraception at once as they had 3 children even though they used two types of contraception) and taking as much precaution as possible is the only way for them to have sex without having babies.

But it is your body, and your choice, not his. And taking it out on you/the kids is really nasty.

psamiad35 · 02/05/2017 01:53

Sleepingdragons..... yep totally agree. I came off the pill as was worrying about the potential health complications from being on them so many yrs so of course that was mentioned earlier. He was fully aware. And as they say, it takes 2 to tango!!

OP posts:
psamiad35 · 02/05/2017 01:54

KickAssAngel...... it did make me question our future, has to be said :( not seen that side of him before. Was not nice in the slightest.

OP posts:
csa26 · 02/05/2017 01:59

Rgh. Trying to stay sympathetic to your hubby here but... That is self-indulgent bullshit. Having a child you weren't expecting is not the same as dying. Ffs.

Like you say, wait for the beer fug to clear. At the end of the day, if you went to your GP and asked for an abortion giving the reason that your husband wants it, I'd like to think you'd be refused anyway (in the UK abortions are officially provided only if the health of the mother is at risk - obviously any pregnancy risks the health of the mother, and an unwanted pregnancy is reasonably argued to be detrimental to the psychological health of the mother...)

MargotLovedTom1 · 02/05/2017 02:52

Are things that great with the children you do have if he feels like he couldn't cope with another? You might think the children would love another sibling but what if it's to the detriment of family life?
Don't mean to sound harsh, but just playing Devil's Advocate I suppose.

NotAnotherUserName5 · 02/05/2017 06:08

You have only just found out yesterday.

Maybe he needs a bit of time to come around to the idea of another child?

I'm more shocked he tried to exit s moving car to be honest-sounds worrying.

NoOneLikesACrispyTowel · 02/05/2017 07:00

Oh OP ☹️

I'm going through something similar. I found out I was pregnant a week or two ago (I can't even remember?!) and my DH didn't take it well. This is baby number 3 for us.

We thought we were done having babies, DH was so angry with me (as though I'd impregnated myself!!) because I couldn't have a termination. I went to see a pregnancy crisis counsellor, she was actually very helpful.
DH stopped talking to me, wouldn't even look at me and was sleeping on the sofa. I strongly considered a termination but it would have been for only him, I'd have hated myself for him and probably hated him more.
EventuAlly after thinking about it on-stop it came to blows. He was punishing even though we both got ourselves in this position. I blew my top, it's not all about them and their feelings.

If I were you I'd let it slide for a few days, then try and discuss it. It's brand new, it's scary and it's happening.

But I reccomend a pregnancy crisis counsellor for one or both of you. And time and talking.

My DH is finally coming back to normal. Thank God, I felt like I'd lost my best friend.
I still don't know how well this will all pan out, it's all really scary. But you'll be ok.

biginjapan · 02/05/2017 07:11

Hi op, this is really tough and I'm going through something similar. I had told my dh for 3 years that I really want another.

biginjapan · 02/05/2017 07:17

Sorry, posted too soon ... anyway, I got pregnant after one careless occasion and he is very unhappy about it :( I have had worrying bleeding etc and he can't talk to me about it. His concerns are more about letting our current kids down.

On the positive side, he has acknowledged that he will adore it when it arrives and he is not blaming me- but he is very, very sad and I am feeling horribly selfish and guilty.

No advice, just handholding.

NoOneLikesACrispyTowel · 03/05/2017 05:58

biginjapan why does he think you'll let your current kids down? My DH said this but our kids are 6 and 10 and would be over the moon with a tiny brother (it will be another boy for sure, I know it) my eldest already knows and cried happy tears he was so over the moon.
I don't understand why husbands think it's to the detriment of the other kids, especially as both DH and I both have two brothers ourselves.

biginjapan · 03/05/2017 06:15

I think he thinks we are already spreading oursleves thin. Our 2 pre-teens are getting increasingly demanding as their needs become more complex and with 3ds, he already feels the pressure of being the main breadwinner and role model. He's a brilliant dad and I think he doesn't know if he has the energy to do it all again with a 4ds (I'm sure that's what we would have too Grin).

There is also something about it being very easy to adore a snuggle baby and would this make it easier to avoid our responsibilities to the not quite so appealing bigger ones who are quite challenging at the moment - would they all get what they need from us emotionally? I see his point but I think we will be fine. There will be 11 1/2 years between ds1 and this baby.

NoOneLikesACrispyTowel · 03/05/2017 11:10

There will be almost exactly 11 years between our eldest and this baby too. In fact it could well come on his 11th birthday!

I'm a middle child and there's 12 years between my two brothers. Having older kids and then a younger one means having more hands to help and babysitters when the baby's a bit older. ;-)

biginjapan · 03/05/2017 12:16

Thanks crispy. That's reassuring. Sounds like we have lots in common Smile

TheLuminaries · 03/05/2017 12:23

Did your DH know you were not using any contraception? I am just trying to get my head round it as he sounds so unreasonable. My sister tricked her husband into a 4th (claimed she was on contraception because she wanted another) and actually it all worked out OK - he believed it was a contraceptive failure.

If your DH knows how fertile you are and that you were not using contraception then he really sounds quite insane and you absolutely must not let him make you feel guilty or wrong as effectively he 'chose' to have another child as much as you did.

MargotLovedTom1 · 03/05/2017 17:39

I disagree. Ultimately the woman is the one who bears the consequences of an unwanted pregnancy, whether that be a termination or going ahead with having a child that the father has made clear he doesn't want (and potentially raising that child as lone parent). Just because a man is too lazy/selfish/sexist to sort out contraception shouldn't be taken a tacit agreement that it's ok to become pregnant, unless the woman is prepared to accept all possible consequences.

All this "It takes two to tango", "As if I got pregnant by myself" obfuscation cannot detract from the above. I just wonder if there's a lot of women thinking they'd quite like another baby and hoping their partners will come round to the idea when it's presented as a fait accompli.

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