Baby shower - husband

[Felicity91]

Hello MN.

So this is my first issue and one of the reasons I joined MN was to ask for your opinions on this.

Firstly I get that it varies for everyone, no right or wrong here, just looking for a range of opinions :)

The issue of ‘my’ baby shower is fast approaching. My two closest friends were a little too quick in suggesting all the classic girly stuff and assuming the lead in organising it. The thing is, I really, really want to share this baby shower with DH.

For me, it should be a celebration of him too. Plus he’s the confident one among us, I don't like being centre of attention. It’s hard to put into words but when we talk about our child and baby stuff my husband just lights up in joy and it I find it so attractive/reassuring that he’s so excited and studious into being a father. I mentioned it to him and he said he was happy to go with my choice but I can read him and know he’d love to be involved in the shower. The prospect of a baby shower without him seems hollow to me. I really want to put a value on his role as a father. Is it meant to be about us or the guests?!

But my gf’s were horrified at the idea of him or our other male friends being in attendance. Even though they like him and played a role in initially introducing us. For them this is a big girly party, I'm a little worried they see this as a second hen night.

I’m probably going to have to make a decision on this tomorrow. But before I do, any thoughts? I’m sure this has all happened many time before! Thanks x

'Then you get to have a lovely time with the girls discussing stretch marks, saggy boobs and birthing horror stories'
Blimey sounds like a blast

Teacher - wow. Some serious issues with this one. It's people like you who give feminism a bad name. I bet you can bare men as a whole can you - God forbid the father be at his own baby shower. The one he is 50% responsible for creating and 50% responsible for when born.
OP - I wouldn't be exactly the same, I don't really understand the outdatedness of babyshowers as a whole (mainly because it is all about the woman, not the family unit), so maybe as a PP suggested - just have a get together of anyone and everyone who would like to come. Women, men, partners is they want to come etc. This is what we're planning in the summer. Not calling it a babyshower, but just planning a bbq at the house before baby arrives, anyone welcome. Your friends should understand :)

I'm American and really like the tradition of baby showers in the US. Unfortunately, because it's an American tradition, I think it gets a bit mistranslated here... Firstly, it isn't just about getting presents. It's a rite of passage, a celebration of womanhood and becoming a mother. It's an opportunity for the important women in your life (mothers, stepmothers, aunties, close friends) to come together and celebrate you becoming a mother. You usually play silly games, eat, socialise and the guests write down words of wisdom and advise on being a mom. Usually people bring a gift as it's the polite thing to do when you are celebrating something big like this. Shower is to shower with gifts and there is a bit of a mentality of its takes a village and new moms need help getting everything together.

Personally, I wouldn't want my partner there as I'm quite traditional and the baby shower is a celebration of impending motherhood and traditionally a ladies only event. That said, some people (even stateside) do have showers with their partners. It would be odd if you had the party with your husband and didn't invite his friends too tho.

If you want a party with your hubby, I think you need to have a separate party - either one you throw for yourselves or ask someone else to host something for the two of you. If you are going strictly by the books, it's in bad taste to throw your own shower (baby or wedding, this is seen as grabby). It is your friends hosting the party and although they should ask for your input and who you'd like to invite, I think it's kind of up to them as presumably they are paying for the event and hosting the venue. If you want to include hubby and his mates then it makes the party twice the size which maybe isn't what they had in mind/budgeted for? If you aren't up for it, maybe just decline?

Hi OP, just do what you feel comfortable with! Baby showers are about celebrating and surely the more the merrier?
I didn't have one with my first but my mum has decided to throw me a shower for my second. My husband is invited along with other partners and my mum has bought him a 'dad to be' sash. He's thrilled...and arranging a boys' trip to the local pub after an hour.
In my opinion, we're both celebrating this new human, as is our 3 year old so we will all be there.
Do whatever makes you happy, it's celebrating a new life! 😀

Oh and please ignore the small minded opinions on the way you talk about your hunband and how you define yourself. I was so shocked at how judgmental people can be based on a few internet posts!

Sorry my previous comment was meant to OP - I would be exactly the same... Not wouldn't 🙈!

Thanks all for the great range of opinion.

I think it’s a fair point as to whether this is meant to be more a general celebration or serve a specific purpose as a baby shower re celebrating motherhood etc. gigi your post was very useful explaining this.

As many here seem to thinking I’m over-thinking this, and my friends have a very specific idea on what it should entail, I’ve decided to just go along with them on this. I think they’ll see it as a bit of an insult to the sisterhood if I insist on men being present. DH won’t be invited. Perhaps we could have a more general celebration later on.

When I said “he’s the confident one” I didn’t mean to rankle people the way it has done. Of course I don’t have an issue being with my friends without him. My point was merely that I’m naturally shy and don’t like being the centre of attention for a long time. But not to any crippling extent.

It's up to you, but it sounds to me a little like you want dh to be there to hide behind and that's more the reason.

Although it's nice to celebrate things together, there will be lots of opportunities to do that. When you become a mother, unless you and your dh will be going around everywhere together there will be times when you have to walk into a baby class knowing nobody for example, so it's probably a good opportunity to get more comfortable with not having your dh by your side for every baby related event.

Traditionally a baby shower is a female get-together. It's not set in stone obviously but it's nice to have a female event sometimes as a guy being present does make it a different event/atmosphere.

Enjoy whatever you plan to do!

X posts!

I think having another celebration that does involve dh too at a different time is perfect

If you want your dh there, then that's what happens decent friends wouldn't cause a fuss over it. Surely a baby shower should just be more the merrier anyway?

My friends arranged mine ( with dh help) for in my home and dh was home the day of the baby shower, I don't care if traditionally it's women only dh was 50% responsible for me being pregnant so I don't see the big deal

The last 6 I've been to have all been Jack and Jill showers. (Men and women.)

And mine was. Because it was huge and I hardly knew anyone there whereas dh knew them all.

I hate baby showers, and would never have one. But I always assumed that both parents should be there.

Jack and Jill showers
Oh shudder

Think that the concept of a baby shower still isn't that well understood and obviously gender biased to put an official term on it!

OP, it's your baby and your decision. My DH and I are having a 'party' with close friends and family to acknowledge the fact that we may not see a lot of them (particularly friends) as much in the first couple of months after our baby arrives, also to thank /acknowledge this same circle of friends for being supportive throughout infertility struggles. We've not put a 'badge' on it that's all.