Preparing to have a baby after abuse *trigger warning*

[PreparingToBeAMummy]

I hope this is the right place to post. I thought maybe I should post in conception but I'm not worried about the conception, it's the pregnancy and birth that worry me.

I was abused as a child. I've done lots of therapy and am generally doing well - I have a wonderful husband, stable permanent job, our own home etc. We are probably a year or two away now from wanting to start our own family.

I want to be very prepared for this. I know that of course pregnancy and parenting are not things you can ever truly understand before you get there, but I feel like it would be irresponsible for us to begin trying for a baby or even get pregnant without having made the best effort possible to understand the potential trauma triggers for me. I want to be the best mum possible.

I have 4 areas of worry that I would appreciate advice on. If anyone could help with any of these I would be so thankful.

1. Medical professionals. I know that I won't cope with lots of different people, having to explain my needs over and over etc. I am considering paying privately in some way to try and minimise this. Either paying for a private hospital, or a private midwife, or a doula? I would want to give birth in hospital but would need someone by my side throughout with detailed understanding of my needs who could share these with the other HCPs. I don't know which option would be best.

1. Hospitals. I want to give birth in hospital, not at home. But I worry that they would not let my husband stay with me overnight, might make me share a room etc. How can I find out what different hospitals allow? Would I be able to choose? How do I go about finding out the best one for me.

1. Detailed info on examinations, interventions etc. I feel like I need to know EVERYTHING about pregnancy, both what might happen in my body and also what other people might want to do to my body. Scans/checks inside my vagina, blood tests, anything that involves being restrained or touched will be a big trigger so I'm not sure how to best find out this information. Is there a book I could buy, like childbirth for idiots?!

1. I guess sort of linked to above, what my options of consent are throughout pregnancy and labour and what the outcomes would be if I refused checks or interventions. I feel like I need flow chart type information - if this happens, this will be offered, this is the reason why, if I can refuse, and if I refuse, what the risks and outcomes are. How can I find this out? I feel like labour especially happens so quickly that I won't have time to ask in the moment. Also I've just watched a YouTube video where a doctor performed an episiotomy against a woman's explicit request. That terrifies me that someone could do something to me without my consent. I'm worried.

I've asked a few friends who have had babies but it seems that most people seem to accept that labour happens the way it happens. People say things like birth plans are a waste of time. This worries me too.

I'm sorry this is such a long post. I would be grateful for any help.

Lots of replies already but i wanted to add that you can refuse interventions. I refused all VEs, and sweeps, and my DC were both born late but fine. Of course that's up to you, but you are within your rights to refuse VEs in labour and before that. There isn't really any evidence they are helpful as far as I understand. I had an amazing independent midwife who was rock solid in her defence of my right not to be touched if I didn't want to be. She was very up to date on good practice so I also felt confident she would tell me if she advised any particular intervention. Message me if you want her name. She cost about £4K.