So confused!

[Bella4444]

I have just found out that I am 5 weeks pregnant. I am not in a relationship with the father although I really want to be. I love him very much and he says he loves me but that he can't be with me properly at the moment because he feels so angry and frustrated with life (I think he is suffering with depression). We have a very complicated sitauation. My marriage ended about 5 months ago. I have children with my ex and he is a nice guy and a brilliant father. The father of my unborn child is single but has 2 children one of which has physical health needs. The father is dead against me keeping the baby and is pushing me to have an abortion. I have been to see a doctor to get referred to keep him happy. He says once I have had the abortion we can try to work on us so that we can be together properly which he knows I want more than anything. I'm unhappy about the abortion and not convinced it'sthe right thing to do for me as I know that I will deeply regret this and that it will effect me emotionally afterwards. But I also understand his fears as he has a child that will be dependent upon him for the rest of his life and he is worried that he will not be able to give our baby what it needs. I have told him that He can be involved as much as he wants but he still wants the abortion. Aside from my views I am worried about the effects it will have on others if I continue with this pregnancy. I don't want to hurt my ex who i know will be upset by this pregnancy and I know that my children will be confused as they do not know that I have been seeing this guy as I did not want to tell them until I knew we were together properly. My family will also be unhappy as they are not happy with how this guy has treated me. He has been quite horrible to me over the last few weeks but I think that this is down to his possible depression as he was never like this with me before.
I'm so confused. I really don't know what the right things to do is. Do I put myself first and be selfish or everyone else? Any advice would be appreciated or if anyone else has been through something similar.
X

I haven't been through anything similar but what stood out to me was this guy's ultimatum. He's essentially asking you to choose between him or the baby, but at this point it's not like he's been acting committed to you anyway. What happens if you abort against your wishes, and then he decides that his depression is too great and he can't be with you after all? Or if you guys give it a go and realize actually, it wouldn't work out? Truthfully, he sounds flakey (and manipulative, I'm sorry) and if your family are concerned about how he treats you, I'd listen. I'd be concerned too. It sounds like you haven't been with him super long, and his behavior/lack of commitment so far would indicate he's not the most reliable of people, so I wouldn't trust he'd hold up his side of the bargain even if you did decide to terminate.

It sounds like a big shock and a hugely difficult situation. No-one can tell you what the right thing is to do but please, please don't have an abortion because you're trying to make him happy. It's a huge choice and there's no undoing it, and I imagine it would be a million times harder to process later if it wasn't what you wanted. I think what I'm trying to say is that if it's a choice you need to make, do it for your own reasons. On the family side of things, people do adjust to big changes like this. It would be rocky for a while, but I don't think impossible.

Good luck

Thank you octoberfarm. It is a massive worry of mine that things won't work out between us or that he is just saying about working on us to get me to go through with what he wants. I am really concerned about the after effects of an abortion I'm not really sure that I want. My heart is telling me to keep the baby but my head is making me have doubts. Such a hard decision so will take some more time to think about it. Thank you for your comment x

Sorry op, this guy sounds like such a shit. People can be depressed and not treat others badly. Your family don't like how he treats you. He's told you to get an abortion and used your desire to be in a relationship with him for extra leverage. Any decent person would never do that.

You can accept he's a shit now, or further down the line. Now is better.

Make the decision you want to regarding the baby, but please walk away from this man.

Sorry, I'm going to have to disagree with the previous comments on here. You're barely 6 months out of your marriage and only seeing this guy casually (whether you want more or not). He's not being "flakes", he's just not in a relationship with you and you're now pregnant!
I don't think either of you has more say about keeping or aborting the pregnancy than the other. People will say your body your choice, but it's equally as selfish to make someone a father without their consent and think people that do that are selfish in their own way.
You both need to discuss the future and use contraception.

flakey

How are you doing OP? Hope you're okay.

It sounds like you're really uncomfortable with abortion, if you went through with it because it's what he wants and he did what he said and started a committed relationship with you I think you'll end up feeling guilty and resenting him. You need to take more time and speak to a professional before deciding either way. x

Grace are you saying she should abort because he doesn't want a baby even if it goes against what she feels is right? Not to be cliche but it takes 2 people to make a baby. Surely the impact on the woman who aborts is much greater than it would be on the man.