BFP but now so scared!

[user1492515675]

Hi

First time posting. Been TTC for three months and got a positive result yesterday. But instead of feeling happy I feel completely panicked and scared! I'm 39 so thought it would take ages to conceive and had begun to convince myself it wouldn't happen for me. So I should feel ecstatic! But I'm tearful and am thinking I have made an awful mistake. I feel so overwhelmed. I'm too old to do this. Please help x

Op, I'm about to make you feel a whole lot better. First of all I'm 43 and am pregnant with my 4th. I had my third at 40 and it was a great pregnancy, much less awful than my first. Everyone I know will think I'm barking having another and will judge me. I tried for this baby and am still regularly gripped by waves of 'what have I done'. I phoned dh at work today just so he could remind me why I am doing this to myself and to tell me it will all be ok. If this pregnancy continues to term I will have a 4th c-section which terrifies me.

What october17baby said about hormones giving you that feeling that something's wrong is v true!

But, I look back on my life before I had kids and I know which half has been the most fun...I wouldn't change a thing!

Thank you all. It's just so overwhelming! X

Was anyone else worried about losing their freedom and their relationship changing?

Don't panic! I remember the feeling well - much wanted baby but I still remember shaking like crazy when I looked at the test and every so often while pregnant thinking 'blimey I'm not cut out for this'. DS is 17 months old now and a joy (most of the time...)

You'll be fine, it's ok to feel a range of crazy emotions!

39 isn't old. I had my first at 40 and am expecting my second at 43. Nobody in my nct group was under 35. My mum had me at 39 though, so it never felt odd to me. It was a shock though as I thought I was infertile, so took me quite a while to get my head around.

I've only been mistaken for my dd's grandmother once in 2.5 years.

Honestly, yes, your entire life will change. I still occasionally mourn my old life, but I know it's a bit of a case of grass always being greener.

You might (will probably) find that your priorities change a lot once baby is here. I've offered to babysit for friends and many have struggled to go out to dinner and leave their baby. They want to be with them more than they want to go out. You might feel the same. Oh course, babysitters are an option and you won't be giving up your social life forever. And yes, your relationship might change - but it could be for the better, this might make you even stronger. I'm having an awful pregnancy (suffering with sickness) and my DH has been so wonderfully supportive that I've just fallen in love with him even more.

In summary, you're in shock which is perfectly natural. Once you're over that, you might start worrying about getting through the first trimester safely (I really struggled with that), that's also normal. It's not always easy and things will change, but just think of it as the next stage in your life. While you might compromise on some things you enjoy now, you also stand to gain a lot through your new experiences

Thanks. Just had long chat with OH and feeling a bit less stressed! I love my life now and don't want it a baby to make it into something I don't enjoy. Selfish I know! Wonder if I am too selfish to be a Mum?

I am currently 10 weeks with my first - all planned - and I have had loads of 'shit, what have we done??' Moments!
Most of the time now I feel ok but I had a breakdown yesterday afternoon after seeing that 'hurrah for gin' woman on FB complaining about how shit bank holidays are when you have kids compared to when you didn't! Luckily my DH is VERY supportive and I can always tell him how I am feeling. I'm sure it is all perfectly normal x

to be honest, my relationship has definitely changed. But then I married someone a lot older than me and he'd never been married or had children and was very independent and used to doing what he wants, when he wants.
It has been really hard as most of the childcare has fallen on me, and DH and I can't act like a couple of kids like we used to. The first year of DC's life was incredibly lonely for me, and I felt like DH and I lived separate existences.
however, some 2 years down the line and things are a lot better between us. I won't pretend its not been tough. We have both had to (and continue to) work on a lot of issues, but it's definitely better (at the moment!) than it was in the dark days of the first year.
Also, I've got no family nearby so had very little other support/help. I think that makes a massive difference.

Thanks for all the replies.

Although more or less all the replies on here say I will feel differently soon and I will love the baby when it arrives I just don't feel confident in that at the moment. I really hope this changes soon 😔

Don't rush, OP. It's as much use trying to imagine how you will feel when baby arrives as it is to imagine an entirely new colour you've never seen. I would also add that for some, that feeling doesn't happen instantaneously after birth. For some it's like a thunderbolt and they capsize into headlong adoration within seconds of seeing their newborn. For others, like me, it takes a few weeks, during which you stare at this little alien interloper and wonder wtf you're meant to do with it. (Weirdly, though, I was still ready to rip the actual face off anyone who wanted to try to hold onto him when he was crying.) And then gradually it starts to happen and before you know it you're nauseatingly full of rainbows and poetry. For now, though, your first priority is just to get yourself used to the fact that you're at the start of a long road. Mainly, try not to worry about living up to some weird standard of how you "ought" to feel. That's a great way to make yourself feel like a failure. Take it a day at a time. Have a good friend to confide in every time you have a wobble. Don't worry if that's daily, or even hourly, not least because your hormones are going to go absolutely batshit. Wait till the day you watch an M&S advert for roast turkey and sob hysterically into your icecream. I may have done this a few weeks ago. And mostly, be kind to yourself. You're going through single-handedly one of the biggest events of your life. You're allowed to freak out at the enormity of it. Indeed, it's practically the law that you do. Go forth and be a bit batshit, woman, in solidarity with all of us who've done the same thing.

Hi op. Simular to you, I got my first ever bfp at 39. We were ttc for 13mo. I was absolutely terrified. We didn't tell anyone other than parents until we'd had the t21 blood test results and the 20 week anomaly scan (we may have terminated if there were issues). My ds is now 18mo, I turn 42 next month. I can honestly say it's awesome. Fucking tough sometimes but worth it. And I also am not the oldest first time mum I know either! If I have any words of wisdom it would be just enjoy your pregnancy. I didn't even though it was pretty plain sailing. I wish I had. Congrats

Crapuccino what a lovely post!!! Certainly made me feel much better! Thank you!

Thanks for replies ladies. It is so good to hear that other people have experienced similar feelings. I guess I'm having trouble imagining my life with a baby in it! Even stupid things like how are we going to fit a cot in the spare room!

Also struggling with fact that having a baby is not just a baby, it's then a child and it will always always be there. I know that sounds stupid! My sister has three kids who I adore but also find hard going at times and I love the fact I can come home to peace and quiet! That wouldn't be the case with one of my own!! And surely if I think that I'm not cut out to be a Mum?

I know how you are feeling. I'm 41 and have 3 grown up children 25,23,21 and I'm now 5weeks and 1 day pregnant. Although I'm over the moon I'm also scared too. Whole life change after such a long gap. To top it off my relationship ended a few days before I found out I was pregnant. I believe everything happens for a reason. So bring on the next 8 months 😀

Oh Lord, I know exactly how you feel. I so desperately wanted to be pregnant (cried when I thought period was starting but in retrospect it was probably implantation). I'm 14 weeks now and the hormonal ups and downs and had plenty of thoughts of 'who the fuck decided I should be allowed a baby?!'

But in moments of clarity I am so looking forward to meeting this wee person. I think anyone who says they never had wobbles or doubts is either lying or misremembering!

OP mine are 7 and 5. I long for peace and quiet too!😀

Doesn't mean I'm not cut out to be a mum though.

Having children is all about feeling conflicting feelings simultaneously. You love them to bits, you'd die for them, you werrit and faff endlessly over their food clothing bedding activities development etc. At the same time you think it would be quite nice to have a minor RTA where you broke your leg and could go into hospital for a few weeks of being looked after and peace and alone time!

I'm scared that although everyone says my doubts are normal what if they are not? What if I have the baby and then regret it? At the moment I just wish it hadn't happened! Feel awful for saying that!

user1492515675 - I'd just advise you to be 100% honest about how you are feeling and try and keep in mind you are NOT a bad person for not being happy.

I was 33 when I tried for a baby with my partner and thought it would take ages as I had had Pelvic Inflammatory Disease before and a number of infections. We had sex ONCE and hey presto... I was pregnant.

I felt like you in a lot of ways, I just went into full panic mode - I felt I was ruining my life, that my relationship with my partner would be damaged beyond belief, that I enjoyed my life as it was and that I'd resent a baby... none of these feelings I expected. Why wasn't I happy and excited like I was 'supposed' to be? I think all of the supportive replies on this thread are lovely as I agree with previous posters, you DON'T have to be happy if you don't want to be, nor do you have to be excited.... I wish someone had told me that as I felt like a freak for being so down and crying every single day. I desperately tried to 'force' myself to feel how I was 'supposed' to feel - I read so many pregnancy books and articles and joined the MN antenatal clubs, however it just highlighted how different I felt, compared to all these excited expectant Mums.

Long story short - I got lower and lower and lower and started thinking very dark thoughts about taking my own life. My GP was incredibly amazing and nonjudgmental and gave me AD's (first time in my life as I've been very lucky in not having any depression before).. and whilst that helped, I made the really painful decision not to continue my pregnancy and terminated at 12 weeks.

I'm not in any way suggesting you should follow that path - I'm just suggesting that if you do feel low / unhappy, then please talk to people about it... I still believe I made the right decision for me and when I went to BPAS and spoke to a lovely woman, I said 'I'm not normal as I have a lovely partner, am financially stable, have a good career and supportive friends and family....... however I can't cope feeling like this for another day'. The woman said 'You'd be surprised how many people say very similar things... ' which made me feel less of a weirdo.

Don't feel awful for saying you regret it, if that's how you feel, then that's how you feel. The hormones are so brutal and I had no idea they'd affect me so much. Apparently the hormones do reduce in the 2nd trimester and a lot of friends and family have said they feel much better after the first 12 weeks, so that's a possibility, perhaps?

Thank you FluffyPersian for your honest reply. I have suffered from depression in the past and been on meds and I wonder if all this has triggered it again? Can I ask if you ever regretted your decision?

user1492515675 I've regretted (and still do regret) ever suggesting to my partner we try for a child - everything was 'perfect' in regards to our life / financial situation (and thankfully, still is) and so it just felt like it was a natural next step to do - I 'planned' everything - took folic acid, ate healthy, was already charting my periods... however it was a massive shock when I found out I was pregnant and hysterically sobbed down the phone at my partner, apologising for ruining his life and saying 'I totally understand if you want to leave me'

I don't regret terminating - I don't think it was a choice per se, as I truly believe if I had continued with the pregnancy, I would have taken my own life. I guess that's something I'll never know - However even with anti-depressants, I felt I just couldn't cope with being pregnant.

It's worth noting, I've got massive, massive phobias about injections / medical professionals and hospitals in general, based on an event that happened when I was 4 years old. Additionally, I was one of my sisters birth partners (along with her Husband) 3.5 years ago and it was a very traumatic birth - which I witnessed in full. Part of why I felt I couldn't cope, was to do with the fact I thought I'd have the same birth and not be 'in control'. I have had (and still have) counselling weekly and that's helped significantly - especially considering every single Doctor / Nurse / Midwife has been nothing but sympathetic and supportive which has challenged my negative opinion completely and has turned it around.

I'm 35 now and appreciate that my chance to have a child is decreasing - At the moment, I'm in the 'no' camp.... even if someone said to me 'You have 3 months to get pregnant or that's it, you won't ever have children', I wouldn't do it - firstly, because I don't 'feel' any desire to have them, and secondly, because I don't want to run the risk of feeling so bad again and having the same outcome.

I'm 100% pro choice and whilst some women can terminate and feel emotionally fine - I was really taken aback by how I felt afterwards... guilt / regret over the situation / the 'what if's'..... Physically, I healed really quickly, but emotionally, it was a lot tougher.

Thank you for sharing your story. I know it's different for every person and it is reassuring to hear that different people respond differently to their BFP. I'm concerned that I might just have the baby because time is running out rather than actually wanting to!

Ladies, for those of you who had similar doubts as me, when did you feel more confident about things? I can't go through nine months of feeling like this!