Visitors after the birth

[sunnyfields25]

Hi

I'm 32 weeks so have got a little while yet before I need to figure this out, but would welcome other people's stories of how they approached the situation.

Lately I've been thinking about the days/week following the birth. I really like the idea of closing the curtains, locking the front door and snuggling up in a cosy little cocoon with my husband and new baby. I figure that as well as it being a special time that we want to enjoy uninterrupted, I'll also be trying to master breastfeeding and recovering from the birth, so probably won't feel like entertaining guests.

Don't get me wrong it'll be lovely to have people visit, it's just ideally I'd like to have several days, maybe even a week, before they start coming round. This would apply to immediate family too.

A couple of family members have recently mentioned visiting after the baby is born, so I'm thinking if we're going ahead with this plan then I should forewarn people. But has anyone else tried this, and was it successful? I don't want to offend anyone or hurt their feelings, but I'm normally a bit of a pushover and I think if I caved in on this occasion I may end up regretting it, as I can't ever get those first few days back.

DH and I will never forget the constant stream of visitors from the moment of the first visiting slot in the hospital - not a fond memory! We always remember opening the front door to allow a set of guests to leave, and there were the next load walking up the path

This time (DH's suggestion!) we will have no visitors for the first few days to a week. I can see him giving in to some family members, but I will be firmly arguing with that!!

Stick to your guns and have some time with you, baby and DP, you won't regret it!

I had been in hospital for over 3 days when DS was finally born by EMCS, my parents and both sisters turned up (they lived over 2 hours away at the time) at the hospital for the first visiting slot. I was exhausted, having not slept in about 36 hours, hadn't showered in 48 (hideous greasy hair in my hospital photos ), couldn't move from the bed as epidural still going and catheter hanging over the side of the bed - my youngest sister who was 21 at the time asked what it was and regretted it. Had no idea breastfeeding would be so difficult and desperately tryign to get baby to latch on in front of an audience of 5 while midwife was telling me off for not having fed him already was not a pleasant experience!

This time I'd like to do it very differently, I'm hoping for another section, and to be in and out fairly quickly, with just 1 night in hospital (this is what I did with last section), my parents will be looking after DS for me (we have moved, so they're only 40 mins away now) and getting him to school in the morning, possibly pickign him up in the afternoon. Hoping to be able to get DH to collect DS from them and bring him in, I want DS to meet his new baby brother on his own, without an audience and I'll still be catheterised at that stage! Hoping to be home the next day and will be firmly saying no to ALL visitors for the first 5-7 days.

You're right OP, days 3,4,5 are when feeding can be at it's worst and constantly getting your boobs out in front of in laws isn't ideal! So I would politely but firmly ask them to steer clear for the first 5 days at least!

I don't think there's one right solution for everyone. My parents and PiL would have been gutted to be banned for a whole week, and it wouldn't have felt right for me at all to not see them. On the other hand, the stories of houses full of relatives sound horrific. MiL came to see us in hospital the day he was born, and then visited us again with FiL once we were home on day 3. My parents were unfortunately on holiday when he was born so could only make it on day 5 - and I did get the baby blues and burst into tears in front of them but they handled it admirably!

I wouldn't have everyone round, but for us having the grandparents over for shortish visits was lovely - though it helps that they are the sort to help out with things rather than expect waiting on!

I think I could do with a bit of your confidence Lunalovepud! I saw my dad this morning and told him what DH and I are thinking regarding visits. Initially I thought he'd understood, but then a bit later on he said he'd still like to come round for 5 mins after we get back to meet his grandson I know that doesn't seem like a big deal, but if I make an exception for my dad then everyone else will also want to pop round for 5 mins/an hour/whatever, and before we know it we've got a house full of people.

I feel so guilty in situations like this where I think I'm hurting someone's feelings, and normally end up caving in and just doing what the other person wants. Especially when my dad is involved, which is ridiculous because I'm nearly 34! I don't think DH will let me cave in this time though. Luckily he's completely on board with this plan and is encouraging me to stick to my guns. I suspect we'll have problems with my MIL, but at least DH can deal with that.

sunnyfields25 in my experience those that say they will just "pop in for five minutes" end up staying for an hour be firm!

I want time to get myself together and spend some time with baby and DH before visitors. My SIL recently gave birth and DH's parents were sending us pictures of the baby less than 20 mins after he was born after being in the hospital all day while she was in labour. I have asked my DH to make clear there is no way this is happening! I will allow both sets of parents to visit shortly after getting home but no other visitors until I decide I am ready. DH's cousin visited the SIL the day she was home from hospital (got home 3pm she was there by 3.30pm) and she didn't leave til 9pm at night! No chance!

Plus, as DH's family live a couple of hours away we couldn't really turf them out after one drink - they'd probably be there all day.

No no no!! Don't let them OP. Even if the birth goes quick and smoothly you will still find guests utterly exhausting. I had a newborn bubble for the whole 2 weeks of pat leave, bare minimum visitors, and don't regret it. It meant I was able to focus on recovery and establishing breastfeeding - no one can communicate quite how brutal it can be to establish bf, it's a huge comittment. You will be needing to nap during the day if you want to survive.

Get DH on side to feed and care for guests. Also prime him that you will disappear upstairs with baby when you need to. Don't stay downstairs "to be polite" and don't let them in the blimmin bedroom! Literally set an alarm for guests of 45 mins. They won't leave otherwise. Newborns are so captivating they won't be able to help themselves.

It's a good start to your life as a parent really - people will be judging and trying to control you and LO all over the place. Even family members who you thought would be supportive might come out with bizarre judgements and unhelpful "help".

Beware the post birth adrenaline rush too - l felt like superwoman for 2 days after birth, then crashed spectacularly because of course sleep IS a physical necessity no matter how amazing your baby is.

You don't get this time again, it is so precious. Congratulations!

We let people in!!! With DC2 my parents were looking after DC1. They live 230 miles away so had been here 4 days already. DM Washed, cooked and cleaned while I waddled!!!
Dc1 was born with lots of issues so we went back into hospital the day after he was born for a couple of weeks DP it was really helpful to have them!!!
Also I wanted to show off my beautiful baby.... and I didn't really care about my boob and breastfeeding.... I'd passed a child!!!
I found mum comforting too as she'd had 3 kids herself!!!

I wish we'd had longer without. We had 1 day at home with just dd. It was so nice. And beware those who say 'just for an hour' or 'just for lunch'. Hah! 6 hours later.....

My midwife gave the best advice. She said if anyone outstays their welcome just start taking your clothes off and/or go to bed. Hard for people to follow (although MiL did try)

I think a lot of people have heard about the idea of leaving the mum and baby for a month before visiting. Sounds great but it meant that weeks 4-8 were crazy-busy with visitors and to be honest, I wasn't much further on by then in terms of recovery, sleep or generally anything. I had 3 separate lots some days. I think staying in pjs and even in bed might be a good way to signal you are not up for a long visit. If you can't keep people away, at least you can try to minimise the length of time they stay. Without being totally rude.

Just do what you want, OP. We had no visitors at all for three weeks, because all family are abroad so no popping in for five minutes situations. It turned out not to be some luxury, but necessary -- bf complications, CS recovery etc.

If you want two weeks after you've had your baby then you must do this.

For me, the first fortnight of DDs life was like an invasion, I didn't know how much "time out" I'd need after hospital and I had a hella hard time establishing breastfeeding. I was such a people pleaser. More fool me.

Some folk love the buzz, I hated it. For me it's better to stall visitors and if you change your mind after day 5, send a text and they'll come running, 100%!

Ps: for the reasons above this time we have told people this baby is due 1 Nov. Nope, I'm due 18 October. Remember that for your next baby!

Love the delayed due date idea beans - inspired!

I think we will only be telling family when the baby's actually due anyway, will leave the big announcement for a few weeks until we're settled.

I guess I would be happy to have perhaps my parents and DH's parents over for a little visit. As much as I want to I doubt I'll be able to avoid my parents as they'll be helping out with DS. DH's parents live 2+ hours away, so they can come and visit for an hour or so, but we are absolutely not having them stay over!!

I think the problem is if you sit there in your cocoon, you literally won't be able to do anything else, or you'll have your baby meet a whole load of random people before your own families which clearly isn't fair and will annoy them. The actual waiting to meet the baby might not, in itself, but you'd pretty much be a prisoner at home.

I said that everyone need to wait at least a day or two after the birth of my second dc to give everyone a chance to adjust a bit, and in the event due to time of birth and day of the week, baby started meeting family 36-48 hours after birth. But I just hadn't thought that of course I don't live in a bubble, so of course the baby ended up meeting loads of other people in those two days before they met grandparents, uncles etc. And it did feel kind of wrong that the postman, the kids' teacher and several of my local friends, the next door neighbour, the person in the local shop who is a friend of a friend.....etc......all met the baby before the family did.

If you have family travelling from further afield, is there anyone local who could host them? My parents had the in laws to stay for weekend so they could pop in to visit us for an hour on two consecutive days. My parents made a big celebration of it so they didn't mind the visits to us being so short.

One of my friends recently told visitors to come between X And X Time on a certain day (i.e. So they didn't dictate it). That may be a better option.

My husband and I live quite a few hours drive from both of our families. I have already emailed his parents and mine to say that they are welcome to come for ONE NIGHT after the baby is born (I'm 33 weeks today) so they can meet him but then they have to shove off! I felt really awful sending the email but I'm so relieved now. We couldn't not let them meet the baby, and we can't expect them necessarily to go straight home again, but they're not welcome for longer than one day. I also told them that husband, baby and I may be generally absent and they may have to fend for themselves! I have never been so direct about anything.

It felt incredibly important to me to make a stand about it, though. Our siblings and friends know they probably won't meet the baby in the first week, or perhaps even the first two.

I'd see how you feel after. We had an extended hospital stay so had only family visit us there and then the day after we had visitors at home. I was really glad of them as it was a sense of normalcy rather than getting bogged down in baby fog and I feel at almost two weeks later I am better off for it. I had a c section too but even went to the shops with my sister yesterday, it was great! See how you feel the day after you give birth and then let everyone know.

I understand your want to have just your own little family for a bit after the birth, I was the same.

We managed it by having the important people (grandparents, great grandparents) visit while I was still in hospital. That way they saw the baby, but we weren't rushing round making tea for everybody, and they didn't stay too long. It was literally just 'meet the baby'.

Then once home we had a few days just settling in which was bliss before people started visiting. Get your DH to be the gatekeeper - ie he can say the most you can manage is about an hour, ask people to bring food if they can (we had friends turn up with takeaway pizza which was great) and keep visits short and sweet in the first instance. You'll find it more manageable and more enjoyable if it's a bit more controlled rather than people having open ended invites and expecting to be waited on.

That is assuming you're similar to me, which it sounds like from your OP.

I didn't have any visitors until 2 weeks after my DS1 was born and am so glad that I kept that time to bond with him.