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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Abusive ex boyfriend

24 replies

willowsamantha · 08/03/2017 13:02

Hi all,
I was just looking for some advice really.
I wasn't with my ex for long (2 months) he was pretty keen to start a family (I wasn't) he forced me to stop taking my pill and would check the bin, of course I did as he asked as he'd driven in to my head he was gods gift and I was punching above my weight, and that I couldn't ever do any better than him. A lot has happened since we broke up in January, I am now 10 weeks + 3 and he has made it very difficult for me, wishing me and my pregnancy dead! As well as physically assaulted me during the relationship and mentally abused me with some horrible comments which I shall not repeat.
Me being me I've said he can come to the scans if he wishes etc, but can I refuse to have him in the birthing room? or is it his right? also he hasn't got a room where he lives, he sleeps on a sofa in the front room, is it right that I can refuse him over night stays if he doesn't find more accommodating space for my child? He says he cant afford a cot etc, so again if he doesn't have the necessities for it can I not allow over night stays? Hopefully I'll be breastfeeding which again is another reason I wouldn't want the baby anywhere else but with me.

OP posts:

DinosaurFanGirl · 08/03/2017 14:17

Firstly, I am so sorry you are going through this.

He has no right to go to the scans or be anywhere near you even when you are giving birth and even after the baby is born.

You can withhold him seeing the child but best to contact the right services about this so they can be aware of the situation. Also best to let the police know how violent he has been towards you so there are records of this happening and they can offer protection.

Original poster

willowsamantha · 08/03/2017 14:30

DinosaurFanGirl, thankyou.

This is my first baby so I'm still a little edgy on laws etc.

I know he has no right's until it is born, and on the birth certificate which in all honesty I highly doubt he'll attend when I register her, which as far as I'm aware if he doesn't attend and we aren't married I can't legally put him on there?

I haven't alerted the police as of yet because he hasn't beat me black and blue, he spat, pushed, got in my face and left a cut and bruises. I have the proof in pictures as well as screenshots of him wishing me dead and threatening me.

Is it selfish of me to want him to just walk away and not bother? I doubt he will as he sees me as a possession and his property rather than a human with feelings.

OP posts:

DinosaurFanGirl · 08/03/2017 14:54

I'd contact the police now because you never know when this behaviour will get worse. The police will take you seriously because even spitting, pushing and leaving a few marks is still counts as ABH and assault. His behaviour is causing you harm and distress. The sooner you report it the better as you need to start building a case against him.

DinosaurFanGirl · 08/03/2017 14:57

The first time you report this they'll probably just take a statement and any photos you have then go give him a quick word. They'll then just log the report. It won't be until he does it again that they then will start properly building up a case against him. This is why you need to log it with them straight away. Having police logs of the incidents, even if they seem small to you, will help you and baby in the long run if you should need to seek protection from him.

xStefx · 08/03/2017 15:01

My friends boyfriend left her for another girl when she was 5 months pregnant then told her he wanted him and his new girlfriend to have the baby on weekends.

My friend was breastfeeding so there was no way he could take the baby (and you cant be forced into expressing if you don't want to as you have every right to breast feed- or not may I add)

He then only got to see the baby supervised by my friend and his GF no where in sight. This went on for over a year :-)

You have all the laws on your side hun

Don't let him at the scan, or the birth if you don't want to - pregnancy and birth is your experience and you shouldn't have someone ruining it for you.

Original poster

willowsamantha · 08/03/2017 15:06

I'm scared though! He's such a manipulative person he'd worm his way out of it. He'll come up with some kind of excuse as to why he did it!
It's just silly things he's doing now, such as posting things on social media saying "2017 is the worst yet, hurry up and be over" I know he's trying to provoke me. If I delete and block him (I have done before) he then assumes I'm starting a war as he put it last time, it's as if it is all one huge game to him.

OP posts:

Original poster

willowsamantha · 08/03/2017 15:10

xStefx did he try and fight that?
It's just natural that a mother doesn't want her newborn away from her over night or for a long amount of time, especially if breastfeeding!
I just worry for the next girl he cons into a relationship and starts the controlling act again, I'm a pretty strong woman and know right from wrong, he chose the wrong girl to pick on!
I will allow him to the scan, but I am 100% adamant he will not be in the room with me.

OP posts:

xStefx · 08/03/2017 15:17

Yes he did try and fight it, but he didn't get anywhere as no court in hell would take a breast fed baby from its mother. The courts were happy as hell with her supervising the visit.

So what if he is playing a game, don't play it back. Just block him and who cares what he writes on social media.

You may think he is clever but I promise you the police and social services see this type of idiot all the time.

OP if you don't sort this out and show him that he isn't getting his way now then he will make it 100 times harder for you when the baby is born.

he has no reason at all to speak to you now, no reason at all. Block him, don't tell him anything about the scans or when you go into labour . After 30 weeks he may get in touch yes, but you will be stronger by then because you wont have had any contact. You have more rights than you know OP. If your unsure call woman aid for advice.

BeaRulez · 09/03/2017 11:56

I'd say block him on everything, even his number for now. He doesn't really have any right to be at the scans, or birth. At the birth you can tell them you don't want him there and they'll get him out. I think you should stay as safe as you can for the rest of your pregnancy, then when you're going into labour, or after the birth let him know that the baby has been born. I think it's fair to put his name on the birth certificate, but if you don't he pretty much has to take you to court and prove that he's good enough to be in the babies life. When/if he does take you to court he'll get visitation rights most likely but they always want to keep the mother with the child and the child sleep in one place, so over night stays won't happen really until they're older. I'd report it to the police anyway, just for records. Every time he's abusive or says something, screen shot it, keep it, even if you do make up with him or get along with him for a while. If you see him in person and he's being abusive, don't say anything and try to record it if you can. Keep all proof of abuse.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this, and I can't imagine how hard it must be for you. Please stay strong and drop all contact, he really isn't worth getting worked up about.

Toobloodytired · 10/03/2017 08:33

Report this prick & cut him out of your life.

Let him kick off & every time he does, call the police.

He's no right to be at any appointment, this is your pregnancy not his.

Lunalovepud · 10/03/2017 08:48

Sorry you are going through this OP.

Your ex has no rights to come to any appointments or scans and absolutely no right to be in the room when the baby is born.

In your position I would cut all contact apart from via email and keep copies of everything. Keep a record of any other attempted contact outside of email or including any abusive language /threats etc.

I'd email him after the baby is born to let him know.

Twinnypops · 10/03/2017 09:23

A sensitive question - do you want to continue the pregnancy? This is 100% your choice, not his.

You should definitely speak to the police, and keep a log and evidence (if possible) of all encounters with him. You don't need to be beaten black and blue to be physically abused, and mental abuse is now also a crime. You might also find it helpful to talk to Women's Aid, as they will be able to advise you on legal matters.

Also, well done for getting out of this relationship. It took me 5 years to get out of the abusive relationship that I was in.

user1489159386 · 10/03/2017 17:27

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this OP, he doesn't sound like father material to me! I personally wouldn't want anything more to do with him, after being in a similar but long term relationship, I wasn't strong so I got trapped, so a big pat on the back for leaving but be careful as he will now use the baby to control you if you let him. Let your midwife know the situation and she can make a note of it. Remember you and you're baby are the priority. Good luck ! Xx

Original poster

willowsamantha · 27/03/2017 11:21

Hi everyone, sorry it has been a hectic week or so!

I have blocked every way for him to communicate with me, including on my phone.

The only worry is now that he may turn up at my house if I continue to ignore him or I'll bump into him.

I have spoken to a solicitor and my midwife, they say I have good grounds to get a restraining order for now! So I need to log everything that happened, and has happened recently and get the police involved.

Twinnypops an answer to your question is yes I do want to continue it and I will but I have had times were I've seriously considered not too, just so he is out of my life for good.. but that is what he wants, he wants to degrade me and beat me down to the point that's what I'm thinking and wanting!

Thank you all for your advice, I'm much stronger now than I have been! xx

OP posts:

Twinnypops · 27/03/2017 12:38

That sounds fantastic, much better for him to be out of your life for good :-)

Snoopysimaginaryfriend · 27/03/2017 16:11

Hello, police officer here. I know from experience that people here and solicitors advising women are always keen to advise them to 'log' things with the police. The police do not just 'log' things like a registry office. If you show a police officer photos of injuries and tell them your ex assaulted you (because that is what 'pushing' is regardless of bruises or cuts) then they will be obliged to take action. You can refuse to support that action but the police are not just there to diarise the nasty things people do so solicitors can apply for restraining orders.

Original poster

willowsamantha · 04/04/2017 10:31

Snoopysimaginaryfriend I have gone to the police and all has been logged, he is on bail at the moment for the assault on me as well as assaulting one of his family members on Friday night! his bail conditions are to not contact me whatsoever until a hearing.

OP posts:

10storeylovesong · 04/04/2017 18:08

Another police officer here... well done for taking action. It's not easy. If you put his name on the birth certificate he will have parental responsibility. If he later turned up at nursery or school and collected the child without your consent - there's nothing police can do about it unless the baby is in immediate danger or there is a court order in place. I would seriously think about whether you want him on the birth certificate.

maria3232 · 06/04/2017 14:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

willowsamantha · 19/05/2017 08:28

Hi guys, just an update! I'm now 20 weeks :O goes so quickly.
My ex's bail is up and CPS have taken it on, so just waiting on a court date now!
He's being done for 3 counts of assault now, apparently he hit his dad and brother within the same night, which police had witnessed so they are the ones pressing charges rather than the dad and brother.
He is claiming its effecting his mental health and that I'm trying to destroy his life!! he didn't think about my mental health when I was forced to stop taking contraception, or when he didn't let me go out or when I was accused 24/7 of cheating when I spent 24/7 by his side. He didn't think about my mental health when he hit me, when he called me fat and ugly, when he said no one would ever want me except him.
I just need this to be over now so I can move on with my life!

OP posts:

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 19/05/2017 14:23

You can get any court proceedings out of the way, but there's a real possibility that you're stuck with some involvement with him for the next 15 years. That said, you don't need to make life easy for him. He may well decide the baby is too much like hard work.

Original poster

willowsamantha · 19/05/2017 14:34

I've had a couple of letters from SS regarding him being a danger.
They pretty much said they aren't getting physically involved but they are watching from afar and will be keeping up with the court case etc.
It'll be monitored visitation in a social center.

OP posts:

Racmactac · 19/05/2017 14:46

They will be watching you to make sure you don't get back with him.

I would not put him on birth certificate and I would not allow him any where near baby.

If he wants to see baby let him make application to court and then cafcass or children services can decide whether he is a risk or not

Original poster

willowsamantha · 22/05/2017 11:40

Racmactac there is no chance I would ever go near him again, I would rather set myself on fire.

I have considered that, and I'm still weighing up my options.
Seeing a solicitor once the court case is over and his actions have been dealt with as I'm sure I will get another letter from them regarding his rights.

OP posts:

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