How do we agree on whether or not to have another baby?

[mowgelijeffs]

I'm 24 years old, married, own a beautiful house with my husband, have two nice cars, go on holiday, eat well and go out plenty... but it isn't enough.

I had my son in May last year and he is our entire world. We always wanted to have a family and when I fell pregnant it was just the most joyful thing. Our son is amazing and I can't get enough of being a mum.

When I was pregnant I was extremely sick. My husband says I nearly died but I disagree. I had a nephrostomy due to hydronephrosis which was put in at 21 weeks. I was devastated to have a urine bag. It was painful, humiliating and I got the worst infections. I was always in hospital and I was constantly crying. I did say at times I wanted my baby delivered early. It was really bad. The ambulance came to the house 28 times in about 14 weeks and I was in a mess on codeine and tramadol. Some infections saw me hospitalised and I needed IV anti biotics. My son was born prem at 35 weeks and by a c section under a GA it was fucking grim. He went to special care and was ok but needed a NG tube .. he was so small. Sends shivers down my spine.

The thing is.... I said at the time I would never do it again. But I want more children. My son is amazing and was worth every tear and all the pain and the addiction to the painkillers. He is my universe. The most special amazing wonderful being on the planet. He is so so so beautiful with a wonderful personality.

My husband is addament we can never have another baby again in case I have to have a nephrostomy again, in case I don't survive.. in case the baby dies.. our son would be without his mum. My husband would be with out his wife. But I just disagree and I don't think it would be that bad if I had to have a nephrostomy again and if I was sick again because I know the joy now of being a mum.

I know I only just had my son but I'm literally coping so well and so happy that I cannot get my mind off of the fact that my husband said he can never endure it again and the trauma of seeing me so sick etc etc. He says I don't understand what he went through... but it was me in pain...

What would you do? How do we decide? Who calls the last shot?

[Laura2507]

I'm afraid I've no experience of the illness you had, sorry to hear you had to go through that and I can see why your DH is concerned.

My first question though would be, have doctors said this is likely to occur again in another pregnancy and if it is highly likely, is there any treatment they can give you in advance that is preventative to stop it happening again or to at least reduce the symptoms or severity of it? I would definitely suggest seeking medical advice before you go ahead. I'm just coming out of three months severe sickness and I'm not sure if I can go through that again but what you went through is even worse and very significant. It's a big decision xx

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

The person who doesn't want a baby gets to decide. The person who does want a baby gets to decide whether to continue the relationship.

It does sound like it's worth you exploring the actual risks so that you can both make an informed choice.

[mowgelijeffs]

Yes I think you're both right- finding out about how likely it is to happen is a good start. It's such a rare thing for it to happen. My urologist never actually met another pregnant woman who had this problem and neither did any of the midwives or obstetricians... where we start I don't know.
The thing is: even if it happened again I wouldn't care.

My marriage is the most important thing to me and I would never leave but why would the person who doesn't want another baby get to call the shots?

Also, sickness is crap. I had that too and I was taking meds for it until I was about 17 weeks pregnant then three weeks later my kidney packed in 😳 have you been to see the doctor to get some advice?

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

Because the default is not having children. Because it would be wholly unreasonable to force someone into parenthood. Because in your case he is right to be concerned, and he is the one who will have to pick up the slack in the event of complications, even though you're the one who suffers. Because you are already a family with responsibilities to your existing child.

[AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered]

I agree with Testing, you can't force someone into having a child they don't want (well, clearly you can, but it's a dreadful thing to do).

Get him to come with you to talk to the doc about possibilities for next time, the doc might be able to allay his fears and come up with a preventative strategy.

[mowgelijeffs]

No I am not forcing my husband into anything I asked how we could come to a decision together. I'm understanding of his perspective.

[Plantpot83]

I think that it can be difficult for partners because they don't necessarily have the benefit of all the hormones that women get after birth which can make pregnancy/birth seem like less of an ordeal. Your DH is probably still stuck with the memory of you being so unwell, of course he's likely to be frightened of doing it again. In addition to what other posters have said maybe you should just let some time pass in a couple of years he might have started to feel differently

[mininionsteve]

I've heard from a few mum friends that their husbands were pretty traumatised because of their dramatic births. Imagine the thought of potentially losing your wife and child in one foul swoop. I wouldn't want to go through that again. Yes you have to do the work and suffer but what happens if the worst happens? Your poor family have to deal with it and he will live with the guilt that he gave in. You have to explore it together, maybe for you to come to an agreement you have to both first understand what you each went through. Maybe some counselling? Are you prepared for it still to be a no?

[DirtyDancing]

I'm wondering whether it's just still too raw and too soon for your husband. He must have felt very concerned and pretty helpless at some points. Perhaps you both/ him need some counselling to discuss what happened and his fears about it happening again.

[Caterina99]

I can see where you're coming from regarding a second child, and also your DHs point of view. I think the first thing would be to get a medical opinion on how risky a second pregnancy would be. For me, if I was in your situation, my priority would be my first DS and my DH. If doctors told me that another pregnancy was going to be very dangerous then I personally couldn't take that risk as my DS is here now and he is more important to me than a future sibling that does not yet exist. I don't know how easy it would be to come to terms with that decision of course, as I haven't had to make it, but that would be my thought process.

It's not necessarily relevant to you, and not meant to be offensive in any way to your situation, but I have a friend who was unable to have a second child due to having to have a hysterectomy when her first was born. They still wanted to expand their family and chose to adopt.

[Laura2507]

I think the reasons your DH doesn't want a second child is coming from a good place and a place of love. Like PP said, he had to watch you suffer and he believes he nearly lost you.

The more I think about it I think exploring the medical side together is the best way forward and best compromise - neither of you having to agree with the other yet but both gathering information to make a more informed decision.
Out of interest, if doctors said another pregnancy could actually risk your life and advised strongly against it, would that change things for you? I know it would be very difficult to come to terms with so I would hope you could find a way to manage it. You are only 24 so should have many years of feritility ahead of you so there is time for your DH to change his mind. A no now might not be a no in 5 years, certainly if you can get the medical stuff sorted.

Or adoption or surrogacy may be another option for you both.

[mowgelijeffs]

Thank you everyone for your kind and considered replies. I agree that a medical opinion is a good way forwards. Maybe we can look into doing that in the late part of this year so we have time to process everything.
After I had my son I wouldn't admit how bad the pregnancy was as I thought it would just convince my husband it would be fine to have another baby. I've started to own the fact that it was an awful time is and it has brought us closer to the same place mentally regarding all that we went through.
There's no doubt in my mind that if I was told it would be medically dangerous instead of medically uncomfortable I would absolutely 100% not carry my own child again. No way would I ever jeopardise my husband or my sons future. No way would I put anyone through the panic intentionally. But if it was just a possibility that I could have to go through a nephrostomy again, then I would want to seriously consider it.
Yes a baby in a few years time may be an option but it would be great to have them close together so I can get all the baby nights the baby toys and the baby mess out the way 😜

Thank you everyone for your input