7 weeks pregnant and feeling trapped

[user1478433729]

Hi
I feel dreadful putting this out there, but I just feel so trapped and don't know what to do.

I am currently 7w+3d with 1st preg, having previously had mc in Nov. I did not expect to get preg quite so quickly after mc, but here we are.

I previously had my own business, but that came to an end last Summer (sold stake to ex biz partner, we parted on somewhat acrimonious terms) and since then have been trying but struggling/failing to establish new business.
All the while, money dwindling.

Fast forward end 2016, v little money (no income) and the preg has obviously put a kybosh on things work related.
Ideally, I want to be self employed, but I am also being pragmatic and just get a job to bring in an income, even just for this interim period before birth. As I am discovering though, not so easy to find an interim role for this period.

I've always been hardworking and self reliant (had to be!), got married late. OH is lovely and supportive, but doesnt understand why I feel so cr*p in myself. But I do.

I've totally lost my confidence and I have myself. I keep trying to push forward and feel positive, keep on trying, but I am so stuck.

I'm dreading getting bigger - not least as it will make it even more hard to get a job. Also, as I feel so cr*p and worthless in myself, I am dreading looking like the big useless heffalump I feel inside....I can't justify buying new mat clothes as every penny counts too. I am rapidly running down on my savings.
I feel I have no 'control' over any aspect of my life and that I am just drifting along like a zombie.

I don't know what to do. I am not close to my own family (not really speaking to Mum as she was not supportive at all after mc; didnt bother calling or asking if I was on) and I am just putting a front on every day to everyone.
I know my hormones are a bit over the place at present, but I am scared at what is going on in my head.

My OH is lovely and supportive, and in theory he can financially support us - but I have never wanted that. I've always been my own person.
I just can't carry on like this.

I understand your feelings and sympathise. Particularly about being out of control- pregnancy is completely out of your control.

While you might not want to be in a position where you are supported by OH, that may have to be how it is for a little while.

Please speak to your GP about a referral for some counselling perhaps?

As for mat clothes- you can probably get away with one or maybe two pairs of trousers once you are a bit further along. I'm coming up to 20 weeks and while my jeans etc don't fit (well they did up last week as long as I didn't want to bend or sit down!) but my tracksuit trousers and gym leggings still fit and I only wear the mat jeans etc for going out e.g. to tutoring

Hi OP,

I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time. I work for myself and I'm terrified of not being able to work and needing to rely on my husband so I appreciate where your feelings are coming from.

What do you do? Are you able to contract or freelance running up to the birth?

Hi Han1984

Yes - the self employed aspect is really terrifying. Having been a hardworking, self reliant person all my adult life, now that I have hit an impasse professionally.

I am trying to find interim roles (approx 6 months) to build up cash, but not roles few and far between. Time is cracking on.
I'm reluctant to look specifically for FT roles as ?morally? I would feel really bad at trying to get a FT role while P, knowing full well that I can only be there for approx 6-7 months tops.

Truth is; my entire adult life I have always been self employed and that is really what I want to do going forward. I'm just really struggling to get my new venture started, and obv the preg has put a deadline to that / extra pressure.
This is not how I envisaged being p.

Hi OP,

I'm in exactly the same situation but now 5 months on and very definitely pregnant (i.e. unemployable!). My dp, like yours, has been an utter superstar, which has made me feel horribly guilty. I also have debts that I have to pay monthly, which make me feel even worse.

If you want to PM me feel free, even if it is just to get things off your chest. The things that I have found useful are:

Ebay; blinking awesome! You will want to burn your mat. clothes by the end, and I picked up 3 pairs of ASOS and Topshop mat. jeans for £3 each. I'm also living in Primark stretchy tops, as I got 4 for £8. I never normally shop there as I'm still a bit worried about the ethics, but needs must in this case.

Get the big things out of the way first if you feel comfortable doing that. Find a model of pram/cot that you like, set yourself a price target, eBay and gumtree stalk it for ages, and then pounce when a good price comes up. I focused on getting the pram first for less than £150 (went for a Joolz Day that a lady was selling on FB), then moved on to the cot, then the car seat. Now I feel much less stressed, as I know that no matter what happens financially, we have the things that we need. Facebook selling groups are good too, as you know that they items are only down the road.

Supermarkets can be a great way of getting things that you need; I decided to go for reusable nappies so that I wasn't worrying about where nappy money was going to come from post-baby. Aldi were selling Bambino Mio nappies for £8.99 (they are normally £14-£16 and I didn't feel right getting second hand nappies for some reason), so I picked one up with each shop for a while. I also got a pack of prefolds when they were in the sale before Christmas.

Make voluntary Class 2 contributions for as long as you can. They are £2.80 a week, but mean that you will qualify for Maternity Allowance once the baby is here (£124 a week instead of £27 a week flat rate).

I can't think of anything else for now, but the same thing happened when I had my daughter (13 years ago now, so times have changed!) and I ended up in a great temping job in the end, and worked until 2 days before she was born. This time round I'm in a proverbial job desert, but I'm trying to make a lot of things for the baby while I have the time (toys, a baby nest, little dresses etc) with the hope that someone on Etsy will be interested in buying outfits too, and also once she is here and we go out and about, other mums will ask where her toys/clothes came from and I can sell some that way. It will only make pin money, but that is better than nothing right now!

I'm sorry you're feeling the way you are, sometimes life doesn't quite go the way you planned and believe me I know that can be tough. My husband and I had budgeted for one baby and then suddenly found myself pregnant with twins and found myself in tears trying to work out how I'd cope financially with twins but I just keep telling myself I'll find a way. I'm a self confessed control freak and I like to be in control of my life so to suddenly find yourself with no control is really really hard as I am discovering with pregnancy.

In terms of the situation right here right now - have you tried an employment agency? they might have some temp work going, it might not be what you want to do but if you need the money it might be a route worth exploring, a few friends I know have done it when they've suddenly found themselves jobless but still have bills to pay. If it doesn't work out, and you know your OH can support you financially I think you need to try to mentally accept this as a bump in the road and tell yourself you will be ok. If things are not going the way I want I always go back to the same thing - not sure why - but I look at life sometimes as a hurdle race and when I hit a hurdle that I just cannot seem to jump over I let it get me down a while and then I tell myself to stop the self destruction once I get bored of feeling down and I let determination take over to jump over the hurdle.

Do you have any friends who have been pregnant and still have maternity clothes you can borrow? You might not need them for a few weeks yet anyway but also ebay is also a good way to get cheap clothes as I'm finding a lot of shops it is difficult to get maternity clothes at reduced prices, and I cannot justify buying full price clothes as I need to save every penny that I can. I've also resorted to asking friends if they are willing to let me buy any baby stuff off them and we are going to go to second hand sales to try and acquire what we can second hand for cheap.

In terms of your confidence - I recently did a self confidence course on a work conference. I don't know if this will help but we were told to think of our confidence as the sun and all the things in the way of having confidence as clouds. We were then told to think about these 'clouds' (write them down if it helps) and try and think of similar situations you have been in if you can think of any or if you've been in situations before where you've lost a bit of your self confidence. Have a think about how you got through that situation, things you learnt from it and how you could apply those things you learned to your current situation. Alternatively, it was suggested you think about what exactly are the issues making you feel less confident in yourself, think about what you yourself can do about it and ultimately tell yourself you can do it, you will be ok, I massively lack confidence in myself so telling myself 'you can do this' is something I find helpful when I'm in a situation I'm not comfortable with and I don't think I can do it.

You have a lot going through your head at the minute and no doubt the hormones really will not be helping with your emotions but I think one of the most important things to do when you are feeling down is talk to someone, hopefully you have some friends out there who are good listeners or are good at cheering you up. I hope some of what I have said can help give you some way of finding your inner happiness and confidence again.

Thank you everyone; I really appreciate all your advice.

Hi there, oh been its been years how are u? I can relate of course that is why I am messaging you

I just want to cry I really do inhave ptsd and no support I literally have the worst luck in men I really do am crying I feel so alone so basically I met this guy he said he couldn't have kids and silly me I believed him we fell pregnant he was happy I wasn't because of my previous pregnancy I ended up having a very traumatic birth different dad this time but anyways he left me 2 weeks ago to face the rest of the pregnancy alone with no support from him he never bought anything for the baby and he wants a life where he can do what he wants he wants to take drugs and get drunk so that's why he left am 30 weeks pregnant am scared and angry because I never wanted to be pregnant and I kept the pregnancy because he was thrilled and now I have to face everything alone and to provide for the baby I just want to cry I have seen his post that he is looking for girls to have fun with while I probably won't be able to find a nice guy to settle down and now I am left to raise a baby by myself with other children my heart is breaking because I still care about him but I am so angry and hurt and am not bonding with my unborn baby at the moment