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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

DH at the Birth?

41 replies

Holly29 · 23/02/2007 17:43

OK, so I had quite a difficult conversation with DH last night about birth partners. I had somehow assumed he would be the birth partner, but he said to me that he didn't think he could bear (a) watching me be in the most pain he's ever seen me, without being able to do anything about it and (b) seeing that much blood/stitching etc. It is true that he faints at the sight of blood sometimes and he can't watch Casualty or any other medical programme with screaming like a big girl's blouse.

I had kind of expected him to get over this -especially as I have to get over my fear of hospitals and blood also! - but I don't think he will. I didn't give him a hard time, I just listened, but I need to know what to say to him about it really.

I'm just a bit scared about having no one there I know at the birth. Does anyone have any experience of their DH/DP saying this? Should I ask my sister? Am a bit thrown by it all.

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3sEnough · 24/02/2007 15:42

My dh was worried and I backed off totally and told him many times that I really didn't mind at all if he was there at all. As it happened he sat watching the cricket highlights whilst I was in labour ...chocolate teapot comes to mind!! It got better though and he was great by no3.

aDad · 24/02/2007 16:10

I was birth partner for both dp's labours. Definitely had my reservations - also thought I was terrible with blood and gory stuff - and i am - but it's not really that end that you're needed at is it.

To me it would have seemed wrong not being there (despite my natural fears) - dp must have had far more fears than me. It would have felt like I was bailing it when the going was getting tough.

Actually I still swell with pride when dp says how important it was to have me there both times, particularly as things went a bit pear-shaped first time Very proud that i did my (admittedly non-physically painful) bit. And it would have been awful being somewhere else just waiting for news, and not knowing.

You want your DH there. He should be there. Convince him. I'm sure he'll be grateful in the long-run.

DumbledoresGirl · 24/02/2007 16:25

I have had 4 babies and never for a moment contemplayed going through any of the births without dh by my side and indeed he was there for all of them.

That said though, he is not the sort to faint at the sight of blood. he did find my pain distressing first time round. At one point, through my agony, I turned and saw him crying (he never cries) and I was so astonished I came out of myself and asked him what the matter was. He explained he couldn't bear to see me in such pain. I told him I was all right and not to worry - the mws were really touched by it as previously I had been so withdrawn inside myself, I don't think they or dh realised I was capable of giving compassion at that moment.

Anyway, that first birth was very traumatic all round (won't give details - don't want to scare you!) and when I asked dh just now if he ever thought of not being at any of our children's births, he said "Yes, all of them after the first one!" In fact, all the others were relatively easy births but dh said said he found them all difficult.

So I do think your dh is being quite realistic about what being a birth partner will be like. That said, does he really want to miss such a unique experience? There will be nothing else like it in all your lives. That is what I would say to him.

DumbledoresGirl · 24/02/2007 16:30

Yeah, I don't get the masses of blood bit either. I know some women in extreme situations bleed a lot after the birth, but that is surely not the norm (Mears?) Huge blood loss was not an issue at any of my births and anyway, the man is usually up the head end or cradling the baby so I doubt he would see much.

bumperlicious · 24/02/2007 16:33

My dad actually gave DH a serious warning about being there, saying it's really traumatic to see your loved one in all that pain (I know, I know...), but that has made DH really think about it. He will definitely be there if I ask him to be, but TBH I'm more worried about how useful he will be, plus I feel like it's his experience too and I want him to be able to handle it how he wants without having to worry about me (because I'll be worrying about him worrying about me...etc!) Also, should anything go wrong, or if I need him to be really assertive on my behalf I'm not sure how he will manage.
My solution is to organise a 'crack team' of birthing partners. I'd really love my best friend to be there (I know she will be useful be able to speak up for me if I need her to) but she lives 5 hours away, also asking my mum, she lives 2 hours away (but isn't v reliable) but between them I should have someone there!

LupinsBigLump · 25/02/2007 08:33

My dp have had this conversation - he cant even watch me slice chicken let alone watch casualty - anyway he said he doesnt want to be in the room will i have my section - he got away with it with dd as i was asleep with a general, however this time i am insisting, if i have to come to terms with my fear of having a needle in the back then he can sit and hld my hand, I think he is very very nervous about it, but whats the point if he cant be there to support me when i need him - saying that if he faints I will probably die of embarrasment lol, if he does manage to get round me then i will probably ask my mum

foxybrown · 25/02/2007 09:06

I'm totally with bumperlicious on this one. First time I had 2 great mates there who'd both had children and been each others birth partners. They knew what they were doing, knew how I'd cope, so really took charge of me and the situation. My DH would have panicked and been nervous. He was there for number 3, but won't be there for 4. Never bothered me he wasn't there.
Have to say tho, he bundled up the new baby right away, and instantly 'felt the love', without wishing to sound too hippy or soppy. That made the difference to whether or not he was there, not his support for me.

DetentionGrrrl · 25/02/2007 09:10

i talked to DP before DS was born and asked how he thought he'd feel about it all. He said he wouldn't be afraid, and he's not overly squeamish. He said if i had to have a C section he couldn't watch that though- understandably.

DP was fine at the birth- DS came very rapidly and DP only just made it back (they told him i'd be hours so he popped out and left me for a bit). I've learned from it though- have told him i'll kill him if he leaves me this time round, and i want him to be more tactile and encouraging. (I think last time he was a bit stunned at seeing a person come out of me!)

He just held my hand and let me get on with it really.

I know someone who had their Dad as their birth partner. Can't imagine that myself.

DetentionGrrrl · 25/02/2007 09:14

DP wouldn't cut the cord though- i asked him afterwards why, and he said it looked part of me and the baby, and although he knew it was silly, he felt like he'd hurt us. Aw!

Waswondering · 25/02/2007 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Holly29 · 26/02/2007 09:39

Thanks so much everyone! I am so grateful for everyone's thoughts. I think I'm going to go with 'crack team'. I asked my sister last night if she'd do it and she was really delighted. I'll get DH to do labour too and if he really can't stomach the birth part, he can go outside. It may be at the crucial point he decides he wants to do it! (fingers crossed). Think my sis will be excellent actually.

OP posts:

foxybrown · 26/02/2007 12:30

Good for you. Always good to have an extra person there, even if its just to get the teas in or make some update phone calls. You might be there quite some time .... you'll always have someone with you and they share the pressure and/or boredom. Good luck! xxx

prettybird · 26/02/2007 12:46

My dh was really quite apprehensive about being there - like yours, he was concerned aobut the thought of watching me in pain AND ihe is quite squeamish (won't watch operations etc on TV etc). he agreed to be there becasue he knew it was important to me - but on the condition that he didn't have to do anything like cut the cord, and could stay at the "head" end for most of it.

In the vent he was great: I ended up having to have an episiotomy and forceps, and although he blanched a bit at the though, the midwife brought him a chari to sit up by my head, and the baby was duly delivered.....

.......He then held the baby and afterwards, walked acorss the blood spattered room (I had a tear) to change into his new trainers () and then stood and watched them as they stitched me up. he said it was like a butcher's shop (), but that it was OK to watch as I was obviously not in any pain (I had been given an excellent puddendal block and couldn't feel a thing! )

You might be surprised at just how well your dh copes when push comes to shove, so to speak

Bucketsofdynomite · 26/02/2007 21:25

Mine was not keen but I made it clear his presence was mandatory. It all went a bit pearshaped in the end and he wasn't allowed in the operating theatre. Glad he was there to witness the nightmare up to that though, otherwise it would have been hard for him to understand how I felt afterwards.
2nd time I took my sister as a doula/bodyguard/nosyparker for my elective CSec.

lulumama · 26/02/2007 21:29

this will interest you then !

aDad · 26/02/2007 21:38

prettybird - your dh sounds a bit like me

except:
"and then stood and watched them as they stitched me up"

that's exactly the kind of thing i avoided.

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