Aibu to stop him going away?

[kirstyt88]

Hello everyone, I'm 23 weeks and 4 today and I'm expecting my first baby with my boyfriend in may. Baby was always the plan (however our plan was to move out first but these things happen) and we have been so excited, however he is not so great with his money. There were a few teething problems at the beginning trying to make him understand that saving for a house and furniture and the baby were now our priority, not nights out with the lads and splurge buys on ourselves however this picked up and we began saving and treating ourselves to things when we had put some money away first. We just about have enough money for a flat now and the plan is to continue saving, however he has had two temporary contracts over the past year and it's due to run out at the end of this month and he still hasn't got another job lined up.

My problem is he's the stag of his cousins wedding which is in September, and he says they want to go away for it to Prague for five days, there are a number of factors here that are upsetting me:

1. he didn't ask how I felt about it I found out this was his plan from family members
2. they are apparently going in June, which is a month after my due date - therefore leaving me alone to deal with being a new parent while he goes away with the boys
3. how can he know he can afford it when we haven't even started paying bills and h wants o move out by April?
4. my maternity pay will drop significantly around the time he goes and I fear that he will leave me financially drained with potentially full rent and bills to pay
5. he may not even get a job straight away to start in February so I don't think spending money before it's earned is wise in our situation
6. we have never even been away together ourselves, I've turned down girls holiday for the next two years for all of the above reasons, my mum has paid for all three of us (baby included) to go to a caravan in wales in august as something to look forward to post birth for this reason

I feel like I'm back to doing this alone, and that he's not ready to let go of his former life yet and I'm scared to move out of my mums in case he decides he's going and he leaves us short of money! Which makes me feel we are taking a major step back in our relationship by delaying starting a home together :(

That said I don't want to be THAT girl who says "your not allowed to go on holiday"

Am I being a horror?

Sorry for the long post

I think it's unreasonable of him to think it's ok to go in your situation x

I'm normally very much meh, let them go, I coped yaya.
But- yanbu at all- the money, the prioritising. Have you discussed it at all?

I really don't think you are being unreasonable at all! All your reasons make sense and you are thinking of the family rather than yourself.
He also needs to consider if you go past your due date he would be going away when you have a really tiny baby. Also what if you end up having a c section and are needing much more support at that point.
I'd be annoyed if my partner wanted to go away in those first few weeks of our babies life. It's an amazing time and he shouldn't want to miss it!!

ooh that's a difficult one, but YANBU. Being a new parent can be very stressful, so in addition to the finance issues, you will need his full support. For the record, you can request that your maternity pay is spread out equally for the time you will be off, that way it's not such a shock when it suddenly drops, and is easier to know where you are with your incoming/outgoing. Congrats by the way! I think he's going to need to man up and turn down the trip, parenting is about sacrifice...this is the first of many!

The only part I've mentioned about it was the fact that with his new job he can be turned down for paternity so he's got to hope they give him holidays to spend time with the baby and that I would be really upset if he couldn't find time off to do that but he could to go away, this was my initial worry when I found out. However I've been in work for the past two days and haven't seen him and I've thought more and more about it and obviously wound myself up to the point I've avoided wanting to even converse with him. I've been battling with myself for the past few days debating what to say to him I case I was just being hormonal/jealous/unreasonable and sort of wanted to get a feel of what others thought before I speak to him about it

Thanks for your replies, I feel a bit better about speaking to him about it, I hope he can understand how I feel. I've tried to look at him from his point of you and the only thing I can think of is that it's his cousins stag and he is the best man but then I think...we'll they should understand that he is in a very awkward time in his life to be arranging things like this too right?

I don't think it's reasonable of him to go on a stag do abroad the month after your due date, if you go overdue it'll be two weeks old. Unless you were ok with it, he should decline.

I think you need to sit down and have a calm chat about it, maybe he's having a mini panic about becoming a dad, missing out on the stag etc, which is why he's not being mature and sticking to what you'd agreed.

I'm BM in a wedding three months after my due date and the hen is 8 weeks after. I know I can't go but I still feel sad about it so I can see how he'd be feeling it. That said, he's going to be a Dad and needs to man up and provide for his child both financially and practically.

I think the issue here is that you need to come to these decisions together. It shouldn't be a case of him saying 'I'm going' and you saying 'no you are not'. You need to stop down and have a proper talk with him.

Will you still be living with your mum when he goes? Would she help out?
I think family events are important if they're affordable and if you (together) can make a plan to ensure that you're ok while he's gone. Presumably he and cousin are close if he's best man. Is it part of his role to organise the stag, so does he have some control over costs? Does it have to be 5 days? That's a long time, would it cause problems for the other guys?
I don't think he's unreasonable for wanting to go, but equally you're not unreasonable for being apprehensive about the emotional and financial implications. You need to talk.

I definitely think his cousin should understand why he can't make it. It's only his stag do, I know these are fun events but he must have all his mates going as well. Not like he is letting his cousin down on something really serious. He'll be there for the wedding!

Write down why you are worried and ask him to look at it-
Not sure how you will cope with a baby 2-4 weeks old while he is in Prague.
Worried he won't have enough leave to spend time with you and baby, and go to Prague.
Worried you won't have enough money to spend on essentials, and go to Prague.
Worried he may not have a job which allows him any leave.
Worried he hasn't talked to you about whether it is a good idea.

Perhaps mention that you opted out of your trips because of your joint situation, but if he's sure it's ok for you both to have extra holidays, then you'll book it and assume he will look after the baby.

You need to set out your points calmly. They're all reasonable. Tbh he's being a bit of a twat if he's not thought it through for himself. He's being a selfish twat if he thinks it's ok to go when you've put these reasons to him.
Who does he think will be there to help you out with the new baby your both having if you have a c section when you're 2 weeks overdue?

He's the best man and it's his cousins stag? That makes it awkward not to go, most guys want their best man at their stag, as most women want their bridesmaids. The issue is its five days in Prague just after the baby is born. It's a big old amount of time.

Could there be a compromise, where maybe he goes for two days or something?

I think he's being very selfish not just to you, but to himself as well as he is going to be denying himself time with his beautiful new baby. He needs to grow up and appreciate he is no longer the most important person in his universe. As a temporary compromise, why not suggest he holds off on booking anything right now. He can always grab a cheap flight at the time if he still wants to be a lad instead of a dad.

I don't think it's unreasonable to explain your concerns and ask him to reconsider, but I really don't think it's up to you to 'not let him go' - you're the baby's mother, not his, and surely you want him to make the right decision on his own?

Being best man does make this difficult I think and the idea above of not doing the full 5 days is a good one. A couple of nights could be ok if he books closer to the time when he knows the birth has gone well and money is there?

You do need to speak to him about your financial concerns as that will be a real problem. It seems to me reading a lot of the threads on MN that many men have not idea about the financial hit women take when going on maternity leave. Especially as you are setting up home together and he is not great with money historically. This probably needs drummed into him.

I would try not to make it too much about being away from you and the baby but do highlight the fact that neither of you know how things will be until after the birth and its best not to assume anything.

YANBU
All your reasons are good ones.

The money is the issue - can you afford it or not? A month old baby will be fine with just you - as will a two week old and a resentful father who wants to be somewhere else isn't necessarily going to be pleasant to have around. If you can afford it, be generous of spirit and let him go. Then plan in a time away for the three of you - nowhere flashy or expensive but something to look forward to.

If money wasn't an issue, I'd be happy for my husband to go away. As crumbs says, baby will be fine and a resentful partner won't be any help.

Sounds more like finances issue here.

"Baby will be fine"
You might be lucky and have a baby with no health issues, feeding well and sleeping (and I hope you do! )
But even small things can become overwhelming when you're only a month into it and sleep deprived. I think lots of new mums really do need their partners at this time.

Surely as best man he has some control over cost/duration/timing of the stag. 5 days overseas the month after you're due is really not good. Talk to him. If he doesn't have a proper plan I'd be reconsidering whether moving in is the right thing to do.

I don't think he can have everything he wants. Have you laid your finances out on paper? Costs of baby. Renting. Bills. Drop in income. And a big fat zero from his non contract. He sounds like a total liability frankly. Good luck I suspect you are going to need it.