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Mum doesn't seem interested in baby.. opinions please?

18 replies

kayleighb21 · 14/12/2016 15:20

I am 36 weeks pregnant with my first baby. This isn't about money I just want to add as we can afford to be having him and wouldn't be having a baby if we couldn't and we don't expect handouts or anyone to pay for us.
I love my mum, I'm her only child and since my teens we have been pretty close. She is very protective of me although obviously has had to get better since I got older (I'm 28 now) and got a house/mortgage of my own etc.
But to say this is her first grandchild and is due in 3 weeks she just doesn't seem that interested in me or the baby at the moment. At first she seemed quite excited and bought a few bits like a rocker etc from facebook and bought me a prep machine which of course I appreciate, but since then she just hasn't been bothered. I'm on maternity now and she never pops round to see me (she lives about 20 mins away in a rural village), she always says she has things to do around the house, or the dog to walk and can't leave him to come see me (even though I have my own dog). I always have to go to see her and then she makes me feel guilty if I want to go home and don't want to sleep over there for days on end. Its like she doesn't understand I have my own house to run, pets to look after and chores to do and that hers are of more importance. Then when she does come round she starts cleaning, or commenting that I haven't taken the recycling out/picked up dog poo in garden.. just makes me feel like my house is a mess basically. Not once has she said that she's been shopping and has picked up some baby wipes etc for example, or baby grows or whatever. Again I'm not expecting her to buy me things for the baby but doing those things would just to me show she was excited and wipes cost like 60p? I've told her I'm getting anxious and worrying what to put in my hospital bag and not once has she popped round for a cuppa and to go through it with me.. she only saw the nursery for the first time at my baby shower this weekend. All the things for the baby I have chosen myself or hunted for them on facebook etc and I've chosen everything from the pram to the paint.. not once has she offered to help me choose and with it being my first baby I found this stressful as I don't know what I will need or what I won't! It just feels as though staying her her little routine is more important than helping or visiting me.. and as I say with me being her only child and this being her first grandchild it kind of hurts. Its always me that has to tell her about the pregnancy and how I am.. she never asks about it. And then she changes subject. I want her at the birth and she keeps saying ''are you sure you want me'' rather than wanting to be there I feel like I'm forcing her. My cousin is expecting in June and her mum is so excited and it makes me sad.
I don't know if I'm being over sensitive with being pregnant but I just wanted your opinions. What do you think?

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 14/12/2016 15:28

Is she perhaps suffering from pregnancy chat overload? Pregnancy is exciting, but life continues in the meantime.

StubbleTurnips · 14/12/2016 15:34

You sound quite needy OP, do you usually need that much support to live life?

I have disinterested parents, they didn't contact me for nearly 6 weeks post having DD. Some people just aren't interested in pregnancy or newborns.

CanandWill · 14/12/2016 15:39

She might be very helpful when the baby actually arrives though. You do sound as if you are expecting too much. Most people pick and buy their own baby stuff. Are you on your own/very young?

myoriginal3 · 14/12/2016 15:42

I had the opposite, a mother who smothered me. Count your blessings.

NerrSnerr · 14/12/2016 15:48

Where is the baby's father in all this? Are you together because if so it is usually the dad who is present for the birth, looking for prams and baby stuff. My mum was excited about my baby being born but I didn't think to discuss this stuff with her, me and my husband just went and got them.

SirVixofVixHall · 14/12/2016 15:49

Maybe she is a little bit worried that the closeness you shared is already being eroded by the baby who is now your first prority? If so then I think once your baby is born, and she has an active role in being part of that baby's life, she will see that she can still be close to you and that being a grandmother is a really important role, and she will feel close to you again. Why don't you talk to her about it? Perhaps she feels ignored? Tell her how you are feeling and try to sort it out.

Foldedtshirt · 14/12/2016 15:50

How old is she? There can be an element of not wanting to temp fate/ inshalla about babies before they're born. I hope you feel more supported once the baby is born. Flowers

TotalConfucius · 14/12/2016 15:50

Are you sure there's not something in her past that causes her to 'switch off'. Not because she doesn't care, but because she cares too much (iyswim, that's put rather clumsily).
My own mother had some terrible experiences around her own pregnancies and childbirth. At the time, there was no counselling and help. You just got out of bed and got on with it. She kind of detached during my pregnancy. She didn't want to get too excited 'just in case'. And she was actually rather scared for me. I couldn't see this until my DSis was pregnant and was watching it happen from the sidelines. Some years later, in her last year's, she was able to tell us more s out what she'd been through.
Once the babies were born she was tickled pink with them, and thought they were the bees knees.
Sometimes we forget that we might not know everything about our parents.

Hellmouth · 14/12/2016 15:51

Don't you have a partner or friends you can get all excited with? She may be about to be a grandmother, but maybe she just doesn't find the whole process exciting. . . not every woman goes ga ga over babies. Plus, if all of her friends have had babies, etc, it could be a case of been there, done that.

Also, how much shopping are you expecting her to do?! I did loads on my own, especially if I saw a bargain.

I think you need to chill a little and try not to depend on her too much, cos it sounds like that's what you're doing.

SVJAA · 14/12/2016 15:51

My mother blanked DD for about the first 6 months of her life, not DS1 and DS2 though.

eurochick · 14/12/2016 15:58

I wouldn't have expected my mum to do any of the things you mention. Most of that was for me and the baby's dad to sort out. Is the dad in the scene?

kayleighb21 · 14/12/2016 16:04

Thanks for all your replies. I just wanted an outside opinion. I'm 28 she's 48 and I'm with the babies dad who has helped me obviously with money but not too much with picking things out.
I think maybe it is a combination of me expecting too much - but I think this comes from the fact we were so close before so I expected her to be excited like my auntie is and she just isn't. I think the poster who said is she worried about it effecting our relationship might also be very much on the mark. I just thought it would be nice if she comes to see me but I suppose she isn't one for coming to see people - one of her best friends had cancer this year and they actually fell out as my mum never went to see her even when she was passing her house - so I shouldn't really expect her to start coming to see me! Just makes me feel like why should I come to you all the time and as I say if I try to leave and not sleep over she gets really offended!

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 14/12/2016 16:12

Yanbu. You would think a woman mum would be happy /gooey over their daughter being preg with first grandchild

Sadly my mum died 2.5yrs ago so will never meet bump but if she was here I would like to think she would be who you want your mummy to be

My dad is happy tho think reserved as bubs isn't here yet and he's finding it hard that he will be grandad with no nanny :( as am I

This will be his only /first grandchild

I wish my mum was here to share this with me. She knew how much I wanted kids and when first ivf failed she was heartbroken for us both and then she had died by the time we did no 2

Bubs is 5th attempt

NerrSnerr · 14/12/2016 16:16

I'd be more angry at your partner- you say he's helped you with money but not picking things out. It's not a case of helping you- it's his child too so he should be equally involved not just 'helping out'

kayleighb21 · 14/12/2016 16:19

I think my point is mum's been there so knows what I need and what I don't so I would have thought she would be wanting to help seen as I've asked her for help - where as me and OH are as clueless as each other as to what we need and what we don't. I'm just sad she isn't even interested in helping.. my auntie was literally jumping for joy about my cousin where as my mum is a bit like "meh" about it.. as though she's worried it's going to through her routine out of kilter.. she's very set in her ways

OP posts:
Redpony1 · 14/12/2016 16:30

My mum will be like this, she will be mortified and upset when (hopefully) i tell her i am pregnant. She will think i am ruining my life (I'm 32 btw!)

I know she will be like this so i am prepared, it's just how she is.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 14/12/2016 16:44

You sound extremely hard work. Sorry I don't have anything constructive to say but honestly...My head hurts from reading your post!

Batteriesallgone · 14/12/2016 17:03

Did you realise advice has changed quite a lot in 28years?

You're better off doing the research yourself than relying on information a generation out of date.

You wouldn't not have a car seat just because your parents didn't when you were tiny...the same should apply about stuff like SIDS advice and weaning.

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