Depression in pregnancy

[Chloeisobelle21]

I have 2 children, a 7month old and a near 3 year old. Both of my children have different dads, my sons dad walked away from me while I was pregnant and I've not heard from him since. My daughters dad has regular contact and sees her at weekends. My pregnancy with my son was a mental hell, I suffered with serious health anxiety, depression through the whole 9 months. I felt suicidal and had a lot of input from the mental health team. I didn't think I could love my son when I was pregnant and I didn't bond with him during pregnancy. As soon as I gave birth I loved him though and he's fitted into my life with my daughter. The only problem I have with his is that he's a terrible sleeper, which stresses me a lot and sometimes find myself crying at night because I'm so tired.
I recently got into a new relationship with a man who is great, he has two sons who he looks after full time and they don't see their mother due to her being an alcoholic.
Everything was going great and I felt a lot happier than I have done in a long time, until 2 weeks ago when i found out I'm pregnant again.
We have been using the 'pull out method' and I'm so angry with myself, I don't even want to look at myself in the mirror right now. My partner said he will support me whatever I choose to do but I don't think I can go through with a termination. I'm nearly 8 weeks now and I haven't even booked a booking appointment. I can feel the depression coming back in force, I don't want to shower or do anything, I'm happy to sit on my sofa all day. Which is obviously impossible with 2 small children.
I've let my kids down and myself down and I feel so low it's unreal, the only way out is death but I can't and wouldn't do that because I don't have the balls and I wouldn't do that to my kids.
I just feel like a worthless piece of dirt and I don't know what to do anymore. I don't even know why I have wrote such a huge post because it amounts to nothing but I'm scared and anxious and I don't know where my life is taking me anymore. I'm sick of myself and angry and I never learn my lesson

Sweetheart, please reach out to your GP. You shouldn't have to suffer like this.

I can relate to the health anxiety and I've experienced this with one of my pregnancies.

You are not worthless or "dirt" - you mean the world to your dc. You can break through this.

You are not worthless, please don't feel that way, you're just in a really tough situation. Whatever decision you end up making about the pregnancy, you need to access help ASAP. Do you still have the contact details for the MH team, or could you get another referral from your GP. There are people out there to help you, you don't need to try to tackle it all on your own.

You are being really hard on yourself and you shouldn't be. You are mum to two kids who i'm sure love you more than anything and now you are going to be a mum again.

First thing you should do is contact the midwife and get referred back to the mental health team, they were able to help you before and they will again.

I can only guess at how scared you must feel at the thought of going through depression during your pregnancy again, but remember you made it through with your son and now i'm sure you couldn't imagine life without him.

Please get the help and support you deserve and stop beating yourself up, we are all only doing the best we can.

You are not worthless! Just in a difficult situation. You are being really hard on yourself. I agree that you should speak to your GP and ask for help/advice. In the meantime, feel free to send me a message anytime if you fancy a chat. I am 7w pregnant and also suffer from depression and anxiety, YOU ARE NOT ALONE