Feeling trapped

[user1480893865]

I've been really struggling. Thoughout my pregnancy my boyfriend has gone out and ended up out for 3 days at a time. Afterwards he's spent all his money leaving me to pay all the bills qand doesn't go to work for 3 days afterwards. I always get a gut instinct to check his phone and when i do I always find messages and pictures from numerous other women. As a result of this I have developed anxiety issues when he goes out I break down have and panic attack and have a constant worry that something going to happen and I'm going to be on my own and he tells me I'm being controlling. I have no one to turn to as I've been cut off from all my friends and feel embarrased to speak to any of my family about it. When I try to tell him how I'm feeling he doesn't listen he just continues to drink and says I'm being stupid and that I can't expect him to stay in the house with me all the time. I've bought everything for the baby, he contributes nothing but because his parents have helped us out he thinks that is his contribution he always throws that in my face. He never comes to any of my appointments with me and to be honest he has just left me to organise everything. I've never felt so alone during a time that is meant to be the happiest, he has made me miserable! I feel like I've not had the chance to enjoy being pregnant and bond with my unborn child which breaks my heart and scares me that I won't bond when he arrives ☹️ When I have tried to leave he tells me I won't be able to do this on my own I need him and that he would take the baby away from me when he is born. I hate my boyfriend for how he's made me feel but I feel trapped as though I can't leave! I need advise on ways to tackle this problem. Just a bit of advise. What can I do ☹️

You're already doing it on your own - surely life would be easier and much happier without having to manage him and his childish behaviour? You deserve better and your baby deserves better. Don't let this manchild waste any more of your time or air and get rid. You'll be so much better off - and if you've got your suspicions about where he's been, get checked out.

You deserve better. You can definitely do better.

Here if you want to chat x

You can leave, and you would cope. And I dare say you and your baby will be much happier for it.

Thank you for your reply lady fango. I think the only reason I haven't is because I'm pregnant and feel so insecure. I know that I can't continue like this ☹️

Many moons ago, I was in a similar situation. It's hard and it's a big step but it's the best thing I ever did.

You deserve better and trust me, if he's like this now, he'll only get worse. Unless you're a terrible parent, he can't just decide to take the baby off you. He's just saying that to make you feel bad. Ignore it.

Make a plan/list of things to do in order to set yourself free. Have you got support in RL?

Honestly. From what you've said, leaving him means things will only get better

Leave him, he sounds controlling, and emotionally abusive. OP it sounds like he won't ever step up to the plate and be a dad that your child deserves, if he cannot be there for any appointments then I very much doubt his excitement about becoming a parent. You'll do better without him. Find the strength to contact your friends and family again. Who cut you off from contacting your friends? If it was him then get out of the relationship before it gets worse. I've seen this happen too many times before

This is my first I think I've been in the mind set that I need to make it work for my baby but it has been going on too long and enough is enough. I don't know what moves to make to leave. I tried to speak to my mum about feeling depressed who said that I was feeling down because I'm coming toward the end of my pregnancy and then when I tried to tell his parents about the way he is they just said it's too late now. I don't know where else to go for help

Perhaps his parents won't be very receptive to stories of his dreadful behaviour. I'm sorry that your mum didn't listen though. What about any siblings or friends or other family members?

Your boyfriend sounds like a complete arsehole. I've had an emotionally manipulative relationship in the past and it sapped everything out of me. You would be doing both you and your baby a huge disservice to stay with someone who belittles you. Also, imagine what type of a parent your bf will be if this is how he behaves. He's shown you who he is, please don't stay.

Two practical thoughts:
You might want to think about leaving him off the birth certificate too?

Call Womansaid for advice

So sorry OP. Here if you need to chat or a handhold.

He is an arsehole.. I was holding on to the thought "maybe be will change when I've had the baby" but I've been left on my own to pay for everything, go to all my appointments alone, buy all his stuff and organise everything. all that along with paying for all the bills, and doing all the cooking and cleaning along with going to work full time. I thought I could cope but now I'm this far gone I'm mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted I can't do it anymore. i think I needed to get it off my chest finally and just a bit of outsiders opinion this has really helped I need to get away ASAP!

Glad you're thinking along those lines. I'd hazard a guess that if he were to change after the baby's born, it would be for the worst.

How far along I'm your pregnancy are you?

in *

I'm 33 weeks now

How are you, OP?

Seconding that from Ladyfanjo... sorry I dropped out of convo, my dd decided to eventually go to sleep so I disappeared to bed for a longish stretch.

Hope you're holding up okay?

Hi OP

My heart does go out to you - What a really difficult and upsetting situation to be in. No-one deserves this. But equally, how strong and grounded you are, refusing to be dragged down completely and reaching out for a hand. You actually deserve huge praise.

Although incredibly empowering, deciding to leave someone is a huge decision and if nothing else at the moment, I would recommend ypu seek support and lots of it. Use supportive friends and family members. Speak to your GP and perhaps seek out some counselling - Depending on on your age there are sometimes charities who can provide a (sometimes) quicker route into talking therapy.

You seem to be surrounded a lot of negativity because of the way you are being treated and you may need to counteract that negativity with positive people and positive thoughts.

I just wanted to touch on also, your concerns about bonding with your unborn child. We are, of course, all very different - But for me, I didn't bond with any of my children until after they were born. In the first case - not until she was a few months old (14 years later - I still feel pretty crap at times about that). With my second, it was love at first sight and with this one (due -4 days ago), I seem to spend more time worrying about him than I do thinking about bonding - Something I will regret later, I'm sure! In all three cases, I was almost certain that the bonding process would pan out differently to the way it did - So sometimes it's best to just play these things by ear and, more importantly, not give yourself a hard time about it too

Ultimately, I would say to:

1. Take each day as it comes - Don't worry ahead of time too much.

1. Find a little happiness in each day. If it's difficult, write it down (ask yourself: what went right today, what was good, what am I grateful for). Eventually, if it's the right thing - you'll add your boyfriend on to this list for helping to open your eyes to what you truly deserve - Because 1. You found the strength to leave or 2. Because you made it clear to him that his behaviour is unacceptable and he changed - Rare but does happen).

1. Build up your support network.

You sound sensible, so I am sure that with the above you would eventually do whatever it is that is right for you (and bub, of course).

Wishing you all good luck

Sorry to read this OP. I think deep down you know what you need to do. If he is this rubbish now, imagine how he will be when a baby is here? My SIL had very little help from her husband during her pregnancy and he is equally rubbish now the child is here. Women are so much stronger than they realise, you 100% can cope on your own. That I promise you. Sorry to hear your mum isnt too supportive, do you have siblings or other family members you can turn to?
I'm new to mumsnet, just 8 weeks, but I have found it a great space for support and reassurance. Hang in there and know you deserve so much better X