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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

CAN'T DECIDE IF/WHEN BABY NO.2!

17 replies

cheekymonk · 16/02/2007 12:25

Hi There, Just looking for some opinions really as I can't seem to make my mind up. I have a 2 yr old ds and am constantly trying to decide whether to have a 2nd child and if I do, when?
At the moment is a bad time, have just got a mortgage and just about surviving financially so not fair to bring another child into equation right now.
I would also like to shift some weight first as I am most definitely plus size!!! I'd like to be in better shape to hopefully have better birth...
I enjoy being a mum but like everyone find it really hard work at times. Also dh is in navy and away loads so it would be down to me?
Do other people agonize in similar way?

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Original poster

cheekymonk · 16/02/2007 12:27

Alos really scared about whether ds would like having brother/sister or not? I reacted baly to my sister being born and asked my mum why she couldn't stay at the hospital!!!

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DetentionGrrrl · 16/02/2007 12:28

i pondered whether to leave a 2/3yr gap between DS and new baby, but then thought 'sod it- people manage, and we've already got lots of things for new baby because DS is still so young'

if you have real financial issues, perhaps it would be better to wait, but only you will know that.

soph28 · 16/02/2007 12:31

It's one thing for a sibling to be jealous of a new baby but that's soon forgotten- think about the long term pros and cons. Mostly pros I think. Any only childrem out there that want to give their opinion?

Original poster

cheekymonk · 16/02/2007 12:40

My sister and I have have never been close- so different but ds could have a wonderful relationship with brother/sister so I would want to give him that experience.

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Porpoise · 16/02/2007 12:42

Not sure if there ever is a wrong time - or a right time (huge family/financial crises aside)
Another baby is a huge challenge and a great joy in pretty much equal measure - whenever you have him/her

iratemum · 16/02/2007 12:46

I agonised too, as DS1 was extremely hard work at times (turned out to be ear trouble so understandably grumpy)

Anyway, finally decided I didn't want him to be an only child (dh is, but he is quite happy (suppose never known any different)) so we went ahead.

Watching them play together (3.5 year age gap) is the most magical thing in the world. I now wonder why I even entertained the idea of not having a sibling for him. Yes they have sharing issues, but in general, the bond they share is very evident. 3.5 years is a nice gap in my opinion - much later and it could be harder to start all over again, plus they might not like the same sort of toys.

I can appreciate it must be much harder for you with dh away, but in all honesty, 2 children is not double the work. Only one person told me that, everyone else said "it's so hard with two" (moan moan). Well, I don't agree. Firstly, you're experienced and therefore much more relaxed second time round. Then, with a reasonable age gap, no. 1 can be left with no. 2 (eg playing whilst you're cooking) so they help entertain each other.

Original poster

cheekymonk · 16/02/2007 13:05

What a positive, warming read iratemum thank you!
All the contributions already make alot of sense and are helpful so thanks

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sunnysideup · 16/02/2007 14:00

I think don't put ANY pressure on yourself time-wise.

DH and I decided to have just one child, we're still really happy with that decision and while I fully understand that ds (and we) miss out on the bond of a sibling as iratemum so eloquently described, we do feel that ds thrives on being a singleton. It suits his personality and there is huge joy for us in knowing that we have the time energy and resources to focus on him and his potential; it suits us all round.

For 4 years after ds was born I would have HATED the thought of having another. However in the last few months suddenly i feel that IF we weren't happy with one, I could now entertain the thought of another.....

so what I'm saying I think is, give it time and let your feelings develop over time. Not everyone wants children very close together; not everyone wants another.

best of luck, whatever you do!

northerner · 16/02/2007 14:02

I have the should \i have another dilemma every bloomin day. My ds is 5 in April and I worry about:

Have I left it too late for another?
How would I cope with nappies/sleepless nights again?
Will ds miss out if he does not have a sibling?
If I do have a nither how will ds react?

Aaargh. I wish I had an answer

MadamePlatypus · 16/02/2007 14:08

I think its pretty standard for firstborns to think the new baby should go back to hospital. There is no perfect age gap and no perfect time to have a second baby, just as there is no perfect time to have a first baby. Good things about a 3 year age gap are that first born likely to be in nursery at least a bit, so have time to savour those things that may not have appreciated so much with number one like being able to finish a sentence when talking to other mums and sitting down to eat lots of cake and drink coffee!

sunnysideup · 16/02/2007 14:19

northerner I can sort this for you

No you haven't left it too late
You would cope with nappies and sleepless nights the same way you did before
Your ds will miss some things and gain some things if you don't have another
Your ds will accept another child, all kids do with varying degrees of contentment.

There, sorted.

Next?

LucyJones · 16/02/2007 14:22

There is never a right time... something always comes up so you may as well just get on with it
Nine months is a long time when you're actually pregnant and trying can take while too so you may as well get going...

BigCookLittleCook · 16/02/2007 14:30

I am thinking same thing as you cheekymonk, although DS is only nearly 1, but he took a while to concieve so am worried about waiting too long. DH and I did both agree that we would be perfectly happy to stick with just DS, and dont actually crave another at the moment, but also agree that we dont want him to be an only child. I love DS to bits and am really enjoying him now, so dont want anything to change. Sorry, not much help!!

Original poster

cheekymonk · 16/02/2007 14:33

Ahh, thanks folks. Yes when I hear someone else asking the question, ie.Northerner I think you'll be fine and yes you will cope but I doubt myself!
madame Palatypus I am currently at work, on mumsnet, drinking coffee and eating cake!!! Its these moments that keep me sane but can't wait to see ds tonight!

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Original poster

cheekymonk · 16/02/2007 14:36

It is fear of change as well Bigcook little cook. I remember when I had just had my ds and feeling like I was from Mars and seeing my neighbours with their kids and routines thinking how sorted and settled they were. I now feel pretty much sorted and settled .
Its just if you make the wrong decision, there is no going back and that is scary!

OP posts:

BigCookLittleCook · 17/02/2007 13:22

A few months ago I thought i was pregnant as AF was a few days late, and I was half excited, and half terrified. When AF arrived I was definitely relieved more than disappointed. I know what you mean about looking at others with their kids and routines etc, I used to go for a walk with DS when he was little and look at other mums wondering how on earth they looked so relaxed etc, whereas now I am completely relaxed and waltz round feeling on top of the world most of the time - think that is half the problem as everything seems so "perfect" at the moment and I dont want to ruin it!

lovelylou · 17/02/2007 13:31

We started trying for a baby because we thought that we were comfortable enough financially to have another baby. Of course the month i fell pregnant our situation changed but we will manage and i am so excited to have baby no.2.

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