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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Am I being overly harsh with hubby and expecting too much?

18 replies

ElliemackB · 03/12/2016 09:51

Hi ladies, I'm 35 weeks with our much longed for little one (second IVF worked thankfully). This pregnancy has had its ups and downs but I have loved every moment and still can't quite believe it's happening. However I would really appreciate some advice on my husbands behaviour. I know he loves me and the baby so much and is the most practical guy in the world (has put up the nursery furniture, bought all the gadgets etc). But emotionally and physically he has become so detached and distant. We haven't had sex in forever, we never cuddle or snuggle, he will absolutely avoid giving foot/back rubs at all costs and it's making me feel very unloved and isolated. He never rubs my bump or talks to the baby and I just get the feeling he is not liking the new 'fat' me!
I have a feeling this could be quite normal for some men but I can't help but crave an attentive, supportive partner who finds me beautiful and wants to touch me (even if it is just for a cuddle). When I try to talk to him he brushes it off and says he is tired from work etc but I work longer hours than him at the moment so don't think I'm being too unreasonable.
So sorry for the long post but I'm worried he will be hopeless when I need him in labour and my anger about all this may explode at that point. Have any of you ladies experienced anything similar and if so what tips do you have? Thank you xx

OP posts:

SniffleCentral · 03/12/2016 09:54

Haven't been in this scenario (just haven't had a child) but wanted to say poor you. This would annoy me too!

Mummamayhem · 03/12/2016 09:59

Maybe he's scared? Doesn't know what to do perhaps. Is he normally affectionate? I have to say I never expected foot rubs with my pregnancies...usual cuddles but not special I'm pregnant stuff.

Original poster

ElliemackB · 03/12/2016 10:13

Thank you this is exactly the perspective I needed on this. Yes he is usually very affectionate but it is very possible he is terrified. I also know my hormones are all over the place which is why I think I needed a reality check with you ladies to realise pregnancy is not always like you see in the movies and people react in different ways. I think in the last week or so I have become overly needy but only because I'm suddenly so heavy and uncomfortable all the time. Maybe I'll just book myself in for a nice massage or something!

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Becciilouisex3 · 03/12/2016 10:42

I think it's most likely a mix of his nerves and your insecurity (probably the hormones!) I was exactly the same during pregnancy and there seems to be a number of posts by women very similar to this one who also feel the same.
I genuinely believe that we need more support and to feel more loved when we're pregnant because we're insecure about our body, irritable a lot of the time and nervous about the future (which is totally reasonable!)
I think a lot of men don't consider this, not for lack of caring but blissful ignorance and they're probably nervous too (not that they like to threaten their masculinity by admitting it!)

jadeyty · 03/12/2016 10:47

I'm 16 weeks and my partner has gone off sex but the lack of affection side would probably worry me too! I would see what happens after the babies born and try and tell him how you feel. He may be stressed or something so communication is key! Xx

TheCakes · 03/12/2016 10:48

When my hormones go haywire I get a bit clingy. It's because I feel insecure. I'm not normally like that.
But after 7 years, DH still hasn't got to grips with it. We quite often have a 'you don't love me' type of row which seems ridiculous the following week.
Not saying you are being ridiculous, just that it's normal to need extra reassurance and love.

scrumptiouscrumpets · 03/12/2016 12:32

This would worry me too. I never expected special attention just because I was pregnant, but the lack of the usual affection would bother me. "work" sounds like an excuse. I'd try and talk to him again, ask him what's on his mind that's bothering him. Maybe he's worried /scared about the baby coming - I guess having had IVF must make it all even more emotional than a spontaneous pregnancy.

DoubleCarrick · 03/12/2016 12:38

We are both the same. I'm 35 weeks and just want to be touched and reassured. Dh is distracted and mainly focused on the house. I'm not reading anything in to it because I figure it's his version of nesting and he's trying to conserve some energy for when baby arrives.

Completely understand how you feel though

haveacupoftea · 03/12/2016 13:04

Honestly, is he really being less affectionate than usual or was he always like this and you just didn't notice because you weren't feeling clingy?

Films and TV have a lot to answer for, i've never had a foot rub off DF in 7 years, nor does he rub my belly and coo over it or read the baby stories. Some men do, no doubt, but I will hazard a guess that the majority of us have men who become introverted when stressed about impending birth, and are a bit awkward with a pregnant woman.

LuchiMangsho · 03/12/2016 13:21

Also remember that the baby is real to you because it is inside you and moving. DH was quite blasé about the baby, never chatted to the bump etc. Both of us worked long hours and there was no talk of foot rubs and back rubs. And we both collapsed into bed every evening. From the moment DS was born he was smitten. Enormously hands on, and still is. In fact when I struggled with the newborn phase DH was the much more competent parent.
This time after several miscarriages I am pregnant again with a v v high risk pregnancy and DH has been more bonded to the bump than I have been (I am too terrified to bond with the bump), and has done everything for the older one because I am on bed rest.

SeashellHoarder · 03/12/2016 13:33

You may not want his honest opinion.

I have made the mistake of asking my dh over the last 3 pregnancies what he thinks and it's really weird stuff, including

You feel ill because you're hosting a parasite
Feeling the baby move is weird - like the film alien
We can't have sex cos the baby will feel it and that's weird.

There's more like this, these are just the best ones.

I really wish I didn't know what goes on in his head sometimes.

He is always great when they get here though.

mistletoe1 · 03/12/2016 14:14

I think this is normal... I hope! Mine went through a very distant patch a few months ago. I felt like I was talking to a brick wall. After completely losing my sh1t he admitted that he was feeling anxious about all the changes, worrying about money, etc. Currently 38 weeks and he's still not as affectionate as pre-pregnancy but i'm trying not to dwell on it at the moment and hoping we can get back to where we were once things have settled down.

TinyHumanJan17 · 03/12/2016 14:47

Honestly im going through a very similar thing atm!! If i ask oh he says hes tired. he finds feeling the baby move weird which always hurts my feelings a little bit cos its his kid and annoys me cos i think well how do u think i feel i have that going on constantly!?!

Sometimes all i want is a cuddle and a kiss. i get a peck when he goes to work in a morning; i dont even get a goodnight kiss anymore and heaven forbid i should want sex! he wont cuddle me in bed anymore because of baby moving. i hate feet anyways so i would never ask for a foot rub but i understand what u mean about it!!

im trying not to let it get me down although twice now i have just ended up sat in floods of tears cos i just want some attention on me for a little bit. Sending massive hugs i hope he gets better soon xxxxx

PacificDogwod · 03/12/2016 14:51

Well, in all honesty if DH had ever offered to rub my bump, I probably would have ripped his head off!
So, everyone is different

Lots of men find pregnancy really weird and off-putting, and the baby is either not real to them or too real.

How connected are you two otherwise? Talk about something else other than baby/pregnancy/pregnancy symptoms/nursery - go out (it's easier now than after your baby's arrival), see a movie together, laugh together, walk hand in hand: anything to connect.

Original poster

ElliemackB · 03/12/2016 15:27

Thank you all so much for making me realise I'm (a) not the first to have feelings like this and (b) not all dad's to be are secure and happy and overly keen on the late pregnancy stage!
I feel his love everyday in other ways and I think he is showing it more by holiding my hand tigher when we cross a road and practical things like that! I think

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Original poster

ElliemackB · 03/12/2016 15:29

Whoops sent too early!!
I'm just so reasssured by all your comments and thank you for making me realise I need to let him process this all in his own way and I'm sure the physical intimacy will get back to normal after the baby arrives. I think tiredness and hormones are playing a huge part in my insecurities but that will hopefully soon pass.
Love to all you ladies xx

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PeachBellini123 · 04/12/2016 19:56

OP I think we have the same husband!

Mine's the same. He's great at the pratical stuff but would rather spend the evening painting and decorating than cuddling on the couch!

He puts his hand on my stomach if I say the baby's kicking but it freaks him out baby gets hiccups every evening which I find very amusing but again DH gets a bit weirded out by it.

It does hurt but I think some men show their love differently and I know him putting up the cot and decorating is his way of showing he cares about the baby.

I've had back pain and insomnia so I guess it's no wonder my DH isn't too keen to be overly affectionate.

I so hope he goes back to normal once baby's here.

Original poster

ElliemackB · 04/12/2016 21:44

Oh peach I'm sorry but I do feel
Better knowing I'm not the only one with this type of hubby! At least we know we are loved and the baby is loved, our men folk are just a bit odd in how they show it.
Let's try not to worry too much and know it's just a short term thing.
Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy xx

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