Friend judging me for choices Homebirth/ working when pregnant/ Hypnobirthing

[Calicocurtains]

The choices I have made throughout my pregnancy have been overtly questioned and constantly almost mocked and I am feeling pretty put out.

A friend (12 years older than me) has been doing her best to make me feel unsure about my choices.

I have wanted a home birth for a myriad of reasons but am in no way extreme about it- if I need to go into hospital/change my plan at any point I will, but my county has a home birth team which means I'll have 2 midwives to myself and I'm really happy with everything about it.

My friend (who I meet with every Monday night) has been really rather patronising/ angry/ discouraging towards me about this decision. She herself had 2 really traumatic births and is so called "worried"'about me not opting for drugs and warns that it will be the most painful experience of my life.

I don't care what she says (it won't change my mind) I'll still go ahead with my plan, Im just sad that I stupidly thought that being pregnant would mean my friends were kind and supportive but instead she has just continually judged me for my particular choices to the point where I don't want to be around her much. sad

Has anyone else experienced this?

I don't want to fall out with her as we are practically neighbours and have a good friendship otherwise until this point but I just find the constant low level judgement from her is really getting to me and making me not want to be around her.

Surely everyone knows that we are all different aim just quite shocked at her small minded attitude.

I understand that my choices are making her feel in some way threatened and triggering the trauma from her own births but surely it's just basic manners to keep your opinions to yourself and u sweat and that its our choices that empower us.

I just think it's rude to judge people's choices... I don't sit in her house saying I can't believe you smoke, do you know you could get lung cancer- I trust that she's weighed up the risks in her own mind as an adult and has decided what she wants, for me to question this would be just rude.
I don't smoke for my own reasons but if someone else wants to its their choice. Some people die of lung cancer due to smoking and sone don't I think we should run our own lives without people telling us what to do.

If you want a home birth then have one and don't listen to her, she is right that it will be pain like you've not had before etc but just remember you have the option of being transferred to hospital at any point during labour and can change your mind at any time.
I opted for a home birth last year and was glad I did even though I was transferred to the hospital last thing for help with delivery ( I had been in labour for 2 days and was exhausted, baby was fine but my contractions had slowed down). I had a pool at home which I would recommend as it takes away a lot of the pain. It was great being at home for the majority of it though as I had 2 midwives with me all the time, they checked me and baby every 15 minutes and every 5 minutes when I was fully dilated, plus they make the ambulance service aware so they are ready if needed.

I would opt for a home birth again as I hated being in hospital afterwards too and think I would've felt much better if I'd have been at home.

I think that anyone questioning the choice of a home birth via the NHS needs to be reminded that a midwife will not be putting her career on the line and risking the safety of baby & mother just for an airy-fairy "birth experience".

I am having a home birth (this month, if I don't go overdue!!) and I implicitly trust my midwife's ability to risk assess my personal situation.

After my hospital first birth, the delivery midwife and community midwife both suggested I have a home birth next time.

My 2nd was a homebirth. Good outcomes for us both, but I preferred the hospital environment. (Gas and air didn't arrive in time and pool not filled in time so felt a bit fraught).

I'm pregnant with my 3rd and community midwife suggested home birth again due to precipitous labour.

I wasn't sure what to go for so had a Birth Matters appt to go through previous notes with 3 midwives.
They've advised a homebirth is the safest option for me and this baby.
I'm 3 miles from 2 hospitals but I know they are often short of beds. I'll be getting 2:1 care.

So in summary, the 'safest' option will vary for different people and won't be a hospital for all.

Oh god when you're pregnant, everyone and their bloody granny has an opinion. It drove me fucking mad. I wish I had some amazing advice on dealing with it but I don't. My strategy was to just smile and nod then whinge about that person behind their back later. But I was on the verge of getting a t shirt made saying "I know it'll hurt & I know I'll be tired after. Now talk about something else please!"

Fwiw - yeah it might be the worst pain ever but it might not be too. Pre-labour I was very open to the idea of an epidural & I wasn't into hypno birthing at all but I was never in much more pain than a bad period cramp mixed with a bit of constipation. I'm not particularly good with pain & I didn't do anything to get a good labour, it's just luck of the draw despite what other people tell you!

Women who suffer traumatic births are very often dismissed with a 'well you're both alive that's all that matters' and struggle to find anyone to talk to about it - family, friends, professionals - there is a real culture of put up and shut up.

If that happened to your friend I'm not surprised her fears and trauma come bubbling back up around someone pregnant.

Try to be patient and kind with her, you may find if anything bad does happen, that she can be there for you in a way many people won't be.

I don't think hearing about traumatic births is helpful when you're shortly going to be having a baby yourself though.
I'd be a bit more abrupt with her or see her less. You need to find the right relaxed 'head space' for a hypnobirth.

well you're both alive that's all that matters

Oh god, this irritates me so much! As if unnecessary pain, prolonged incontinence, scarring, etc don't matter

I'm pregnant and have been disappointed by how some of my friends feel the need to ensure that I am under no illusions about giving birth. It's as though they think it's their job to scare the hell out of me so that I don't make the mistake of thinking it will be a walk in the park (as if I would!)

I like your smoking analogy, OP.

I always found it helpful to bear in mind the fact that no woman in the world has ever given birth to a statistically significant sample-size of children, and therefore can be safely ignored. :)

By the way, I'm really sorry to hear that you've recently lost your mum.

If I were you, if she starts going on, just say 'we obviously have very different opinions on this subject, so let's talk about something else'. Then start wittering on about Strictly or something. Just don't engage.

Honestly, it really annoys me when people are falling over themselves to tell you how awful their childbirth experience was, like somehow it's helpful. Everyone experiences childbirth differently, so just because she's had two children doesn't qualify her to advise you on your birth choices. You sound like you've done your research and have a flexible approach, I say go for it. Lots of luck.

I always found it helpful to bear in mind the fact that no woman in the world has ever given birth to a statistically significant sample-size of children, and therefore can be safely ignored.

Excellent point that bears repeating!

Thank you everyone you all sound sensible. Wish my RL friends were :(