Will I bond with my baby?

[AnxiousRenovator]

I apologise for the long post but please could I just have some reassurance that I will love my baby?

I am 32 weeks pregnant - unplanned but planned pregnancy - by this I mean, DP and I had planned to have a family next year or the year after and with this in mind bought our new 'family' home, a renovation project, to make into our perfect family home. A couple of months after stripping the whole place back to a shell I realised something was amiss and I was pregnant. Despite the shock and state of our living accomodation (think... Dante's vestibule of hell - knocking down walls, no proper bathing facilities, no proper kitchen just a makeshift sink and an oven, no ceilings, open to the roof...) we were pleased but had to crack on with the work to the house to make it fit for a small person (or indeed ANY person).

We have worked so hard and it's all coming together now but I am absolutely knackered. I've not had any time for my pregnancy at all - I've neither enjoyed it nor not enjoyed it, more just have had to get on with it. I haven't really bonded with my unborn baby and now we've nearly got the home we've longed for, I feel that I should be more connected to my baby than I am. I truly am looking forward to being a mum, family dinners, welly walks, camping holidays and the magic of Christmas but I have never been particularly maternal and know nothing about babies and small children (although I have kept several dogs, a menagerie of small animals, a horse and DP alive successfully for a number of years - if that counts...).

As D-Day is approaching I'm becoming more and more worried that as I'm not bonded to baby now I'm not going to bond to baby when he / she's born. I read about people singing and talking to their bumps but I just feel daft and unconnected... In fact I've read an awful lot about pregnancy and babies in general but it all seems conflicting leaving me more confused and feeling inadequate. I finish work for Mat Leave soon and I'm hoping that once I get some time to actually rest that I might feel more connected... but what if I don't?

How you feel about your baby pre birth is irrelevant. I quite liked feeling movement but singing and talking wasn't for me. It's all different when the baby arrives. You will bond with your baby, if not when they first arrive you will later. It will be fine. There's really no need to worry.

Yes, you will.

With my first, I found out she was a girl at 20 week scan and I'd already decided on a name. I felt like I 'knew' her before she was born. Had an idea in my head of what she looked like, etc.

When she was born, she was completely different to how I'd imagined. Not the baby I thought was inside me at all. Although she was totally awesome

I must admit the first couple of days I was a bit thrown as I had to get to know her all over again. But by the end of the first week I was besotted and still am.

With my first I had a bereavement at 20 weeks and moved house at 35 weeks. We bonded wonderfully (and I have a 2 year old playing duplo on my lap). I'm 17 weeks with my second. I'm too busy puking to think about the end result but I'm confident they'll be grand.

I wouldn't worry, I find people who bang on about bonding pre-birth rather annoying. Your baby is attached to you, reliant on you for it's every need, and growing within you, that's pretty fucking bonded. You can't bond with them as a person because you haven't met them yet.

My initial feelings on meeting my baby were relief and awe, extreme love took a little longer, and now she is almost two I know her inside out and she is my favourite person.

Seriously, don't worry. Enjoy maternity leave pre baby - uninterrupted lunches with friends, swimming, cinema, box sets. Focus on you and be selfish for pretty much the last time in your life. Good luck.

Thank you all for your messages. I feel slightly more normal now and I am definitely looking forward to my 'me' time come the beginning of December. I think after my complete weekend melt down about not loving baby, being completly knackered (have always prided myself on being completely independent and capable of doing EVERYTHING... which I now can't do and is getting me down) DP has stepped up a bit too.

have always prided myself on being completely independent and capable of doing EVERYTHING.

Haha, me too. Being heavily pregnant and having to get my partner to do up my shoes for me was INFURIATING!

Don't worry you will be fine. I'm on number 2 now and I'm also not into all the singing to the bump crap!! I'm not even that bothered about the scans.. As long as everything is fine that's all I'm really interested in.

I adore my little girl though. I'm also dog / horse person. I personally think women with dogs and horses don't feel as maternal because they've got their fur babies to take care of so they don't feel the need for a baby so much.. But that doesn't mean they won't love it just as much when it arrives.

Good luck!

I'm not in the slightest bit maternal, never been a fan of other peoples children, but I love my DD with a ferocity that is almost terrifying. The first few months I occasionally found I had a physical ache with just how much I loved her. It was bizarre.

Crazy house renovations are fine, you'll look back and laugh. I was plastering the kitchen wall three days before DD was born! I'm sure having other stuff to focus on stopped me worrying about birth/impending keeping of a baby, so I was really relaxed about that stuff and everything went like a dream.

Pregnant with number 2, and now that I've finally stopped throwing up I often forget I'm pregnant, so certainly no bump lullabies. I'm sure it will make no difference once he/she is here.

Like you, I never felt a connection with my bump. I also didn't feel that rush of love people talk about when they first see the baby. Everything was so overwhelming ! It took me about 7 weeks to feel anything but, once I did, it was a love I never realised I was capable of! Not everyone feels that immediate full-on love so if you don't, don't worry! It'll come and it'll knock you over. Good luck

Same here when I was pregnant with my son I didn't really feel anything towards my bump and it really worried me that I wouldn't bond with him I even found out the sex and it didn't make a difference.. But when he was born I didn't feel anything right away I think I was more in shock but then all these feeling came rushing through me and I love every inch of him its overwhelming sometimes he is one this day next week and it has being the most amazing year of my life in 22 weeks pregnant with no 2 and again I feel the same nothing really but I'm not worried about it this time don't worry too much about it you will love him/her weather or not it comes straight away

I'd feel silly talking/singing to my bump! I find his movements quite uncomfortable as well so I wouldn't say I'm massively bonded to my bump.

Yes, you will! You absolutely will, even if it's not an instant thing. DD and I had a fairly traumatic start with a EMCS and she ended up in SCUBU and I will admit I didn't feel a sense of recognition immediately. Which, before birth, was my absolute worst nightmare. I think it was probably when I got home with her that the bonding started in earnest once I was out of the gaze of the midwives and other mums around the ward.

I can honestly, confidently say that this has had no bearing on our relationship and 18 months on she is the absolute centre of my world.

Please do not worry at all about this; you will love her so much, and how that love forms does not matter.

The only time I spoke to my bump was to say "Pack it in will you?!" when she was doing cartwheels at 4am! I wouldn't worry about that!

It took a little while for me to realise that the baby in the cot was the baby that I had carried around inside me for 9 months. That sounds barmy but it just seemed unreal.

It's one of the myths of motherhood that you will feel like you know your baby before it's born and another myth that you will instantly fall in love with it when it's born. I've read enough threads on MN to know that there is no such thing as normal and many many many mothers don't feel that instant rush of love and some who do.

For me, I was pregnant during a very stressful time and I had a feeling of protectiveness and responsibility for ds at first that grew slowly and gradually into intense bond without me noticing.