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Original poster

My partner says he doesn't want our baby

70 replies

aspascia · 26/10/2016 09:24

Hi, need some advice/support from anyone who has been through something similar ...

I'm 38 and 7+5 with my first. My partner of ten years and I have been TTC since April. I told him a few years ago I wanted kids but it's taken him a while to come around to the idea and to be ready (I've waited very patiently all this time!). Recently we'd had many conversations about babies and having a family, we stopped using contraception, and he seemed totally on board. I got pregnant a lot more quickly than I expected but I was over the moon and thought he would be too. When I told him he was subdued but seemed happy about it. Yesterday we had an argument during which he said some horrible things, including accusing me of "deliberately" getting pregnant to fit in with some "plan" I'm supposed to have had, that it's all about me and he's just tagging along for the ride, and that he doesn't want the baby - that broke my heart. He said he's not ready and "maybe next year or some time in the future". Now he's not speaking to me - he's skulking around as if I've done something terrible to him. I just don't know what to do. He's a very selfish and self-centred person generally, but I really thought we were in this together and now I just feel completely shell-shocked. I don't want to terminate as he suggested because this may be my last chance to become a mum, and it would destroy our relationship anyway as I would resent him. But I can't be a single parent if he decides he really doesn't want this. Has anyone else had a partner behave like this? Is it just cold feet? I'm just feeling so confused and alone right now.

OP posts:
sebashocked · 26/10/2016 10:52

Firstly, you would be able to do it alone and be a great mum though it's obviously not want you planned or hoped for. It's bloody cowardly of him not to have spoken up before now about not wanting to be a father and would (along with your comments about him being quite selfish) make me question how committed he generally is to your relationship in the long-term. His behaviour does make me think that you and your baby would be much better off without him though that is much easier said than done.

HigherThanEver · 26/10/2016 10:56

Do you have heated arguments from time to time or was this type of nasty comment completely out of character? Regardless it's obviously not ok but if you are the type to say nasty things then maybe it's more understandable iyswim

PoldarksBreeches · 26/10/2016 10:58

Well surely this is enough of a betrayal and shitty behaviour that you're going to dump him regardless right?
You will really struggle to work long hours and extended hours with a young child. You should probably think about changing your work situation anyway. What do you do?

Fairenuff · 26/10/2016 11:01

Any man who could knowingly and willingly impregnate you then ask you to go through a termination is definitely not worth hanging on to. Sorry. He is showing his true colours, take heed and make plans to separate from him.

Then decide what you want to do about the pregnancy.

TryingNotToWaddle · 26/10/2016 11:04

This is where I am. He never did 'get used to it' and we haven't spoken in months despite having another child together.

But I'm 38 weeks now and doing OK, starting to see the positives Smile As for finances I've had to claim benefits which isn't great but won't be forever so there is a way no matter what happens.

Ratbagcatbag · 26/10/2016 11:04

You've had tons of advice regarding being a single parent so I'll leave that part. I just wanted to share that when I got pregnant, we'd been trying for about three years. I was very much of the it will happen when it happens. Then suddenly I was. I'd also had a million conversations about names, when I'm pregnant, when we have kids etc. the sheer enormity of it hit me and I absolutely sobbed that I didn't want a baby, I wanted a termination, I couldn't do it. It was a sheer all encompassing panic. Dh was Confused as I had to convince him we'd try as he has an older son from a previous relationship and was happy with one. I'm not saying your dp was right in anything he said at all and he should apologise when he's calmed down but I can say that sheer panic was overwhelming.
We now have a lovely (mostly) 3 year old who I wouldn't change for the world. But for about a week I was really unsure what to do.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Shemozzle · 26/10/2016 11:11

So he knew you wanted children, and just stung you along into your late 30's hoping it would never happen for you rather than letting you go and find someone else to start a family with?! Urgh. If he doesn't very quickly apologise and explain this outburst away with temporary panic you need to adjust your life NOW so you can cope as a single parent. I was a single parent for 4 years and it really wasn't bad at all, thank goodness you haven't lost he chance to be a mother. Congratulations and best of luck xx

Original poster
aspascia · 26/10/2016 12:32

Thanks everyone. The thought of having to go it alone terrifies me as it was never what I wanted! I waited as long as I did because I wanted it to be something we both wanted and for us to do it together.

Moving closer to work is not an option as I work in Chelsea! I wouldn't get housing benefit etc because I earn way too much (but not enough to raise a child alone while covering the mortgage and other living costs in London!). My only option I think would be to uproot my entire life and move both of us back to Australia to be near my parents so they could help out ... seems a bit drastic!

I really, really hope this is just panic and a selfish knee jerk reaction. I don't see him apologising because, in his usual fashion, he believes I'm in the wrong. But I just hope he will come around, grow up and accept that this is happening and decide that he wants to be a part of it.

OP posts:
Girliefriendlikesflowers · 26/10/2016 12:58

In the long run moving back to be closer to your family and having a work/life balance that suits you and your child may actually be the better option.

Although my family aren't in Australia I did uproot from where I was living, give up my job and friends to move closer to my mum. She has an active part in dds life and it was def the best decision for us.

I hope your partner grows up and starts being more supportive but if not you need to seriously think about what is going to be the best way to raise the child on your own.

BantyCustards · 26/10/2016 13:00

I had one of these. It didn't end well.

Your partner is a poor excuse for one and in all likelihood you'd be better off without

PoldarksBreeches · 26/10/2016 13:04

Go back to Australia before the baby is born. If you wait until afterwards he will be able to stop you ever going back with the baby.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 26/10/2016 13:13

Aspascia, it does sound as if the baby news, has been simmering away inside him, then during your argument, it reached boiling point, and his change of heart, came spewing out.
I am of the belief, if somebody tells you something, listen to them.
You heard what he said, so now it's time to quietly get your ducks in a row.
By the way, of course, without doubt, you can do this by yourself.
With the good advice and benefits, plus maintainence from him, you are more than capable of going it alone.
This man will not improve with time.
Remember, this is your precious baby, the one you have been waiting for.
Do not despair 💐💐💐

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 26/10/2016 13:15

OP, go and buy your ticket to Australia, I promise you, you will not regret it.

manhowdy · 26/10/2016 13:59

If I can go it alone aged 17 without a pot to piss in, you can do it at 38! Smile

Your OH sounds like a total bellend. Saying such cruel words to you then HIM sulking....seriously, i'd be getting rid of him not the baby.

StarUtopia · 26/10/2016 14:12

I would be buying a ticket PRONTO to Australia..leaving knob boy here (sorry, harsh but factual) and having your baby out there with your parents support.

You will not be able to keep up a career type job in any case, without the support of him.

You're 38. Not 18. If you want kids, this is your chance. He's either on board or he isn't. Sorry but I disagree with the post that said all men are like this. My husband was jumping for joy up and down when we got pregnant - and we'd only been together 5 months! 6 years and 3 pregnancies later, he is fully supportive.

Dear god. If he's not happy now, what the hell would he be like all the way through your pregnancy, at the birth, in the first few horrendous sleep deprived months etc etc.

Red flag alerts ALL the way through every single one of your posts.

Please don't stay with this dickhead. He will not change and it sounds like he's just not that into you (watch the film, read the book)

My mate married this guy. 2 kids later he's still a dick. Sulks for days on end. Doesn't socialise with any of her friends or their children. Tbh, she may as well be a single parent as she does the whole thing on her own. She is now trapped as she can't bear the thought of 'ripping Daddy away' from the kids and being blamed for it. You have the chance. Please take it.

Go back to Australia before the baby is born. If you wait until afterwards he will be able to stop you ever going back with the baby.

^^ Totally agree. And you really don't want to be one of these women who is having to deal with constant shit of the father of their children...Do you???

Why is he your partner of 10 years? Why not married? Something else he doesn't want to commit to? Please don't waste your life. You are fabulous. You deserve more. This baby DEFINITELY deserves more and better. I'm sure he has his good points, but there are plenty of decent men out there who wouldn't be putting you in this predicament in the first place.

BeardMinge · 26/10/2016 14:51

Top advice from previous posters. He dragged his heels for years in the hope that you wouldn't be able to conceive. He sounds like a sociopath. I would be getting as far away from him as possible before the baby is born.

Having a baby is one of the greatest challenges you can face as a couple, even if it is planned and wanted. I swear it will be easier to parent on your own than to do so with a selfish unwilling partner.

AyeAmarok · 26/10/2016 15:11

I suspect he's laying the ground work now for him to be as uninvolved as possible.

So he won't be doing any night wakings, any nappy changes, curtailing his social life, forgoing any spending of money on himself, any nursery drop-offs, any "babysitting" to enable you to do anything...

Because he's told you that he doesn't want it, so now if you continue with the pregnancy, you will feel like you were on notice for what he would be like.

If ever you get upset about how little he does to help, he'll throw back at you "I told you I didn't want it" etc and make sure you know it is all your responsibility.

It's not though. He's a total cunt.

ShowMeTheElf · 26/10/2016 15:43

Actually you can keep up a career type job. You'll need help, but you don't need a partner.
Down size your home to free some capital. Get a nanny. Simplify as much as you can re commuting etc. It's absolutely doable.

Fairenuff · 26/10/2016 16:09

Having family in Australia complicates things a little OP as you will never be able to take your child there without his permission. If you want to have the baby and raise it on your own, I would agree with those saying go as soon as you can.

Trifleorbust · 26/10/2016 16:30

I wouldn't usually suggest taking a child so far away from its dad but in this case I agree with pp. You have a small window here to place yourself somewhere you can access support. I would go.

haveacupoftea · 26/10/2016 18:05

I kind of agree with other posters. He doesnt want the baby, this is your big chance to change your life for the better. Being with family as your child grows up sounds much better than being with a selfish resentful dad.

GreyBird84 · 26/10/2016 18:12

So you have an opportunity to:

Have a much wanted baby
Emigrate to Australia
Get rid of an unsupportive asshole for a partner

Seriously get your things in order, buy a one way ticket & leave his sorry ass behind.

I wish you all the luck in the world OP - don't let him take away your opportunities.

TirednessIsComing · 26/10/2016 18:36

Congratulations op. Flowers don't terminate for him, only consider if it's what you want and not what he you thinks will help the relationship.

Sadly this sounds like part and parcel of him if he's selfish anyway. That's not a good and supporting partner to have. Even if he grudgingly comes around what about when he gets selfish again, gets annoyed about or at you and your baby?

I don't think it's that drastic to uproot if you already know how selfish he is then he'll be a crap dad anyway. When you have a baby you can't be selfish and a good parent. You don't need to be a martyr but you cant be all me me me.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 26/10/2016 18:48

Go to Australia OP, and have a beautiful life, with your precious baby.
Don't forget to let us know, how you get on 💐

VoldysGoneMouldy · 26/10/2016 18:59

He sounds like an utter twat. You really don't need this bullshit. You describe him as selfish anyway - well, that's going to multiply by a thousand once the world has to stop revolving around him because there is a baby around.

Honestly? Go back to Australia now.