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Original poster

My partner doesn't want children

40 replies

Noo92 · 10/10/2016 12:32

Sorry if I'm posting this in the wrong place, but I would really like some advice.
Me and my partner of 8 years are both 24. We've lived together for 2 years, we're both working and moving up, and we're very happy together. Neither of us want to get married, and our only big goal now is to buy a bigger house next year.
We decided to have the baby talk. We've talked about it before, but not very seriously, about how things would be 'if' we have children.
When we talked about it seriously my partner said that he never wants children, and if he ever does it won't be this side of 40. Even then, he said, it's very unlikely as his main reason for not wanting children is that he doesn't want to pass on genetic problems to them.
He said he feels bad for 'stringing me along' all these years with the false hope that we may have children some day, but that's just how it's going to be. He said he loves me and wants to be with me, but it's my choice now to either stay with him and never have children or find someone else and have a family.
I'd rather have him than kids, so I'll stay, but I feel like I'm grieving now.
I know a lot of you will say 'you're young, he'll change his mind', but that's not the case and the false hope will make it even worse. I would prefer practical advice and will be very grateful for it.

OP posts:

KatharinaRosalie · 10/10/2016 16:46

You have not clearly stated whether you want children or not. But you do - you've discussed about how things would be; your partner admits he was giving you false hope; you're sad that he has now stated he doesn't want any.

And the trouble is, if you want children, I don't think you will ever be totally OK when you don't have them only (or mainly) because your partner didn't want. Especially when you are getting older, all your friends and family will have children - it really is a big, massive thing and not just something that you can forget about it, doesn't really matter.

I would also think you could use a separate counselling session, to figure out if you can truly accept that you will not have children because of him.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 10/10/2016 16:54

So when he grows up to it decides he does want to have achild after 40, who do you think he'll be having that child with? Cause you might not be able to.

CheekyMcgee · 10/10/2016 16:57

He should have told you years ago.

If his genetic reasons are genuine, then you could still consider:

IVF with PGD (depends on whether the gene for his condition has been found)
IVF with a sperm donor
Adoption

HermioneWeasley · 10/10/2016 17:02

I'm a bit confused - not wanting to have kids to avoid passing on genetic problems is perfectly legitimate (as is just not wanting kids) but why might that change when he's 40?

If he wants kids but not his genetics, you could have them using donor sperm or adopt.

If he doesn't want kids then you've got the parameters of your decision

CocoLoco87 · 10/10/2016 17:03

I can understand his apprehension in having biological children. As PP suggested, would adoption be an option or would you like the whole pregnancy / childbirth experience too?

You could try short term fostering to see how you get on with babies / small children. Would help to know if the adoption route is one you are both prepared to go down.

I hope you find peace in your situation, whatever you decide!

cestlavielife · 10/10/2016 17:03

well he could turn out to be a a "bad, alcoholic person" with or without children... with an "alcoholic partner suffering from" mental health issues.

you can develop those things with or without children.

but you know, you do have some control.... if you dont want to be an alcoholic or he doesnt... and you can get help for MH issues if you recognize them.

if you have in your families specific cases of severe mh conditions like schizophrenia it would make more sense to be worried about future children

more likely you split and two years down the line you find him with a pregnant wife who is not you...but you could also be down the line happy with someone else.

you are both very young. it is nice you been together since young but now could be the time you grow differently and have different goals. explore this alone in counselling.

Original poster

Noo92 · 10/10/2016 17:09

Yeah, schizophrenia is actually a factor.

OP posts:

JasperDamerel · 10/10/2016 17:13

I have too many friends who have been in this situation and thought that it might work but who have ended up getting divorced in their thirties because actually, not having children is a huge sacrifice to make, and it's very hard for anyone to be able to live up to a sacrifice of that magnitude and actually be worth it.
I think that you need to think about this, and maybe have relationship counselling because there isn't really an option of doing nothing and having things work out. Whatever decision you reach, it needs to be one that you are happiest with.

hoolahoola · 10/10/2016 17:19

Counselling is a good idea. Either together or separately to work out what you want and why (and if you can work through it together or not).

Ultimately though, you need to hear what he is saying. And if you want children, you need to leave. You're young (we're the same age actually and I have DC, so I'm not being condescending) but you're old enough to know your own mind, just as he is.

WiIdfire · 10/10/2016 17:20

You need to ask him what his plans are if he decides he wants to have children in his forties. Because it won't be with you.

Stevefromstevenage · 10/10/2016 17:29

Forget his plans. What do you want? I know plenty of very happy childfree couples so that can work if both parties want that. Marriage offers protection in life and in death which cannot be mitigated against by any other type of contractual agreement but some agreements cN come close and again it is perfectly possible to live a very happy and fulfilled life without it.

When you are confident in your own wants and needs you can make decisions about your own life and determine if it will include your DP.

Dogsmom · 10/10/2016 18:00

lynettescavo that is a bit harsh

specialsubject · 10/10/2016 18:07

OP is not in the UK and somewhere with no non-religious wedding so forget that.

he doesn't want kids. That's fine.
You do. That's also fine.

Sadly it is not compatible and there is no compromise on this one. Harsh decision to be made. There is no reason to assume he will change his mind, any more than it can be assumed that you will change yours.

Sorry. At only 24 you've got loads of time, what would have been bad if he had waited another 10 years.

Also - most of us are very different people at 24 than we were at 16. Which is also fine.

LetsJunglyJumpToIt · 10/10/2016 18:30

34 is also very different to 24. You may find that in ten years time you actually really do want children and resent him. So far it's all about him.

Also, saying he might want them beyond 40 is cruel and keeps a carrot dangling. Especially as you more than likely won't be able to.

ConvincingLiar · 10/10/2016 18:54

At least he's realistic. There are plenty of men who say they don't want children/marriage, leave it too late and then dump their girlfriends to quickly marry and have babies with a younger model.

It would be a deal breaker for me. I am ten years older than you. I would say that for my female friends with children they would all rather have their children than their partner (if there had to be a choice). I have one friend who definitely doesn't want children. Her partner feels the same and they are very happy. So that's a legitimate choice. I think I read once that people with children are happier overall than people without but people without are happier in their relationships - I can well believe it.

My gut feeling is that I'd leave him. He has strung you along and that was dishonest. His "after 40" argument sounds like complete bullshit. I am however just a stranger on the Internet.

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