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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Grandparent with gender preference- am I irrationally angry?

35 replies

Tallblue · 08/10/2016 10:55

I'm expecting DC2 any day now, DH and I have chosen not to find out the gender of the baby. We already have a DD.

I live overseas and communicate with DM by email fairly regularly. This is convenient due to time differences etc. Earlier in this pregnancy she commented along the lines of 'it would be great if it was a boy' and although it irked me at the time, I didn't respond and just brushed it under the carpet.

In an email I received yesterday, this was repeated - same thing, 'it would be great if it's a boy, one of each gender to complete the family'. It may just be my hormones or the fact I'm uncomfortable and waiting for due date, but this has really angered me. It's nobody's business what gender this baby is. DH and I have no preference and will be happy to have a healthy baby either way.

I'm not sure why I'm posting this... Has anybody else experienced this kind of opinion from parents or family? Am I being irrational to feel angry and actually really disappointed in my DM? DH advised me to ignore it and sweep under the carpet again. To reply to the rest of the email and just don't respond to that part. I'm just worried that if I hold in my feelings now, when we do call with the news of the new arrival, she might say 'great it's a boy!' or 'never mind' if it's a girl and I won't be able to stop myself from hitting the roof!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

GlacindaTheTroll · 08/10/2016 11:03

Yes, I think you are overreacting to feel this angry about what is a totally run-of-the mill (though inane) comment.

Yes, you need to learn ways of letting silly comments wash over you.

Thinking it''ud be nice to have a pigeon pair is totally unrelated to what they'll think of the real person, once arrived.

AGruffaloCrumble · 08/10/2016 11:05

I had my second DD in April and my grandma said "oh that's a shame" when told what she was. It riles me up so if you're overreacting I definitely am too. It's a horrible thing to say.

JosephineMaynard · 08/10/2016 11:09

My mum told me that the baby I'm pregnant with has to be a girl, as she already has enough grandsons (but no granddaughters).

I have told her that there's a 50% chance the baby might be a boy and that we will be just as happy with another boy as we would be with a girl and may have followed this up with a tetchy remark along the lines of "I hope you're saying you won't love this baby as much as your other grandchildren if he's another boy?"

She has fortunately kept quiet about any desire for a granddaughter rather than another grandson since then.

OneEpisode · 08/10/2016 11:10

It's lovely that you are waiting to find the gender. I knew my second child was my last, and wanted to know the gender. I waited with the first. I think that maybe common?
With my first I had gender neutral stuff, but almost all the gifts were gendered (think blue outfits). I think that's common too?

Do you think the overseas grandparents might want to send a gift and may suspect you know the gender?
I dressed dd in her brother's old blue babygros. People are probably still talking about it now...

Stevefromstevenage · 08/10/2016 11:13

Tell your mother you are not happy with the comment so she doesn't potentially respond to another DD with 'I am sorry to hear that'. I know my work colleagues got a lot of these comments about preferring a boy on her 3rd DD. Who cares what gender a baby is? It is just rediculous.

BigusBumus · 08/10/2016 11:16

My MIL said, "oh what a shame" after my 20 week scan revealed it to be a boy, my third. Yes I would've liked a girl, but having a boy wasn't the consolation prize she mad him out to be. Made me fricking furious and I still haven't quite got over it, 9 years on!

NapQueen · 08/10/2016 11:16

I do think you need to comment back when she says these things. It clearly bothers you so you need to, even gently, let her know.

Something like "gosh it will be complete regardless I'm not doing this again!"

"Well, I'd hate to think you would love another grand daughter any less!"

CharlieSierra · 08/10/2016 11:20

Sorry, it's sex. Babies have a sex. I'm not normally a pedant but it's becoming more and more important we use the correct word for this.

ShteakandShpuds · 08/10/2016 11:29

Definitely over thinking it.
How would you feel if your mum had held onto every stupid comment you'd made over the years...? Nobody's perfect after all.

Shrug it off and practise being positive when you're feeling irritated. Life's much more fun when you don't sweat the small stuff.

TheColonelAdoresPuffins · 08/10/2016 11:36

I would reply "Will you be disappointed if it's a girl then?" See what she says. She might just not have thought through what she is saying.

Original poster

Tallblue · 08/10/2016 15:06

Thanks all, it's good to get some different perspectives.

OP posts:

AmeliaJack · 08/10/2016 15:09

Just reply back:

"Please stop saying you hope it's a boy. We don't care what sex the baby is and another girl will be celebrated and loved just as much as a boy"

thecatsarecrazy · 08/10/2016 17:25

People do this all the time. I have 2 boys when my second was born people screwed their face up. My mil now has 3 grandsons and has made it obvious she would like my 3 rd to be a girl, a neighbour said knowing my luck I will have another boy, everyone I talk to says oh be nice if its a girl. I obviously would like a girl I have 2 sons but main thing is baby is ok

5moreminutes · 08/10/2016 17:31

My mum reacted with undisguised shock and disappointment when I told her ds1 is a boy - not a girl would be nice, but "Oh" ... Long pause ... "That'll take some getting used to" ... Long pause "we don't have boys in our family." Nothing else to say.

Wtf. Not sure what family she meant as she has a brother who has sons and my father was presumably one a boy she doesn't have a son though, so apparently that set the standard

milkshakeandmonstermunch · 08/10/2016 17:37

Oh I would be livid OP!

I'm due DD2 any day now. We are delighted. Our family will be complete with two lovely girls - this will be my last baby. No boys for us and I couldn't care less. We told everyone the sex after the 20 week scan so that there would be no off comments after the birth. DD2 will be PIL's 5th DGD Both SIL and I are finished so they will not get a DGS. They don't care (or at least don't show it) and are so grateful to be blessed with grandchildren.

Whatsername17 · 08/10/2016 17:45

I agree you need to tell your mum to stop banging on about wanting a boy. You can be polite about it. 'I wish you wouldn't say that, mum. We are happy either way'. I'm having a second girl and I'm over the moon. I've had a couple of 'wouldn't you have liked' type comments. I just say no! After losing a baby at 3 months (missed miscarriage) I'm just glad I'm pregnant.

KitKat1985 · 08/10/2016 17:51

When I found out this pregnancy was going to be a girl (having already got one DD) a couple of people made 'ahh, were you hoping for boy?', 'shame it's not one of each' type comments. I found it a bit irksome but it's not worth getting upset over. I just always firmly replied that we would have been happy either way. I'd just reply similarly to your DM and hope she gets the hint.

DH's grandmother was very adamant first pregnancy that she wanted the baby to be a boy (because DH is the only grandson and so the only one who can 'pass on the family name' as all his cousins / sister have since married and changed their surnames). No doubt she's very miffed that we're now expecting a second girl.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 08/10/2016 17:53

Yes, I think you are overreacting to feel this angry about what is a totally run-of-the mill (though inane) comment.

^ this, completely.

DeputyPecksBentBeak · 08/10/2016 18:05

I remember being really with people who said to me after DS was born, "oh that's your family done then. One of each." As if I'd have kept trying had he been a girl. I was done but that wasn't the point. Similarly friends who've had two DD's/DS's have had comments about trying for the other gender.

It is rude, and I understand your frustration, but I do see the point of previous posters who've said that it's not really worth getting annoyed over and mentioning. As someone said, it's an inane comment, so maybe just best to leave it. I think you've handled it right by just not mentioning it, or if it's brought again just say you'd be happy with either.

MillieMoodle · 08/10/2016 18:06

YANBU. My DM did this but the other way round. We have a DS who is 5. All the way through my pregnancy my DM made comments about wanting it to be a girl. We didn't find out beforehand and didn't mind either way.

It wasn't a girl. DM adores DS2 but is still banging on about wanting a granddaughter. In fact, they came to visit me in hospital the day ds2 was born and she was still talking about it, saying maybe DH and I could have one more go for a girl. I'm an only child and we don't plan to have any more children so she's going to be very disappointed when she finally accepts it isn't going to happen.

DS2 is 3 weeks old now so I'm hoping the comments about having a girl will start to lessen soon!

CocoLoco87 · 08/10/2016 18:07

Expecting DS2. A few people have commented 'oh next you need a girl'. It makes me cross because I secretly want 3 boys I don't care what the next one is

ScaredAboutTheFuture · 08/10/2016 18:15

I had this but from my Nanna. She was delighted that I had ds1 as it meant her son (my Dad) had a grandson (after having my sister and I). However when I found out about ds2 she was most miffed!

My parents were delighted to have grandson's .....although when they are playfighting and rolling about on the floor, Mum does express her delight at having girls as daughters

PeachBellini123 · 09/10/2016 10:43

My FIL said 'if you have another child I hope it's a girl, they are less trouble'. I'm pregnant with his first grandchild, a boy. It did piss me off to be honest.

FreddoFrog · 09/10/2016 10:54

Yes, my DM said similar. We already had one of each and to be fair, our DS is a handful and a half. However, I will always remember her repeated statements throughout my pregnancy that she hoped #3 was a girl and then her (very vocal) relief when that turned out to be the case. It was a very stressful pregnancy (I had the chicken pox whilst pregnant), so to have a healthy baby was just amazing. The baby's sex didn't matter in the least. In my mum's case, I reckon it was mostly her issues re men and the fact that she raised only girls. Ignore, ignore OP and best of luck with your baby

WatchingFromTheWings · 09/10/2016 11:04

My ExMIL had 2 granddaughters with her eldest son so when I was expecting my first she did go on a little bit about having a grandson. I did have a boy and she spoilt him rotten. It caused a lot of resentment with her other DIL and 2x GD as they were older and could see what was going on. She saw our son a lot more often. When I had my DD 2 years later the favouritism was blatant! She'd take my DS into town every day and leave DD at home. I didn't mind when DD was a baby as she had no idea but the moment my DD noticed and got upset I put a stop to it. She carried on seeing my 2 a lot and the other 2 GC less and less so the resentment grew.

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