Had a miscarriage a week and a half ago. Now really frightened of sex

[AnguaVonUberwald]

Had a misscarriage about a week and a half ago, and now I am really frightened of sex. I mean - fight or flight, adrenaline buzz, frightened.

I look at DP and really fancy him, but when I think about actually having sex I get really really scared.

Is this normal?

I thought about name changing but figured I wouldn't get any replies on a sex thread if I was a name changer.

(p.s. DP has been only thoughtful and kind about it, not his fault in any way)

Angua, it's only been a week and a half! Give yourself time, you've been through a lot. It's not surprising that your emotions and feelings aren't back to normal yet.

It just that I miss that closeness with DP, but the very idea makes me so scared, I am short of breath even thinking about it.

Plus we had nearly two weeks of bleeding before the actual miscarriage, so we haven't had that kind of closeness for quite a while.

I just miss that intimacy, and think maybe I want to restablish that now, but then get so frightened at the thought

what about cuddles and kisses? just stick with thme for a while, I'm sure your dh understands.

Can you pin point what bit actually gets you scared, and just go up to that point for a while until you feel more comfortable going further? Is it actual sex ie penetration, or is it touching full stop?

Angua, please don't push yourself into having sex with your lovely dp until you feel ready. Feeling panicky like this is pretty normal IME, and your body is still recovering. It is possible your cervix hasn't closed totally yet - are you still bleeding?
I can understand about missing the physical closeness, but there are other ways to be loving and intimate in the meantime.
You are a very close couple from all that you post - in due course I am sure the ease will return XXX

Its the actual penetration, definitly. Up till then its all fine. But the thought of any kind of penetration - shortness of breath, panic etc.

Angua - when I had my miscarriage (nearly 6 years ago - had a DD since), I was upset because I really wanted to make love pretty much as soon as we had the scan and found out that the pregnancy was not viable. I felt really embarrassed, that that would be on my mind, however I wanted to connect with DH, to somehow feel real, through the numbness and pain.

I am telling you this just to say that any reaction to sex, is completely ok imo, and 10 days or so is nothing.

If you are still really scared in a while - I don't know how long a timespan - would seeing a counsellor help? A miscariage is so hard in so many respects.

For now, can you show love by snuggling up watching a film, or giving DP a shoulder rub or whatever - would tha help?

HUgs. My thiughts are with you.

Angua - is everything sorted "down below" i.e. no more blood / bloody discharge. Are you worried subconsciously about infection?

I think it is eary days. In another week you may feel differently. Give yourself some time.

It is still a bit sore - specially at "deep penetration"

I guess I just needed someone to tell me that this is normal and will pass. I can cope with it for now, but panicking that this is some psycological thing I have picked up that might stick around.

NB how long will it take for all the hormones to be out of my system?

I certainly was petrified of having sex, falling pg and having another m/c. Plus if you're having sex to ttc, I think you can feel a bit guilty because it feels a bit disloyal to the baby that didn't make it - at least it did to me. So I think sex after a m/c can be quite emotional. It does come back - just give yourself time. And maybe consider some counselling to help you come to terms with the m/c??

X-post...

Re: hormones, probably about 2 weeks on the basis that the EPU told me to take a pg test after 2 weeks to see if I was still pg.

Thanks mumbump.

I really don't know how I should be reacting to the miscarriage. ( I know "should" is the wrong word but do you know what I mean?)

i.e. what is normal, how long it takes etc. I saw a thread here recently from someone who had two months off work after a miscarriage, I am planning to go back this week, is that too early, will I have a breakdown at work at some point if I do that (n.b. not an option iwth what I do).

Do I need councelling? I don't feel like I do, but am I kidding myself?

How long do I think that the scared of sex thing is normal? when does it become an ongoing problem.

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

I'd avoid it then, there are plenty of intimate things to do that don't involve penetration and I agree with everyone else that you're pushing yourself too soon.

I don't wish to be insensitive, but I can't think how else to word this - if you had given birth you would have been advised not to have full sex until your six week check, why not stick to that timescale now? You've had a very traumatic time, you need to recover both physicaly and emotionally. Obviously if it just happens, great, but otherwise why not just put it to one side for a month and then see how you feel?

Angua - I only had a week off. Physically that was all I needed, but everyone is different. For me getting back to work was good so I didn't dwell on it all the time. It took months and months to come to terms with it emotionally. I didn't feel the need to have councelling. For me getting pg again made the biggest difference. This happened 3months after the mmc. Not that it hurt any less, just gave me a new focus.

Grieving is really personal. Give yourself a couple of weeks to get the physical side in order and then you can start thinking about your emotional needs.

On the sex side, take it nice and slow and do as much or as little as feels right at the time.

First time (Sept. 2006), I m/c at the weekend and went straight back to work. Second time (Nov. 2006), I had the Friday off on which I actually m/c and then went back to work on the Monday, but I didn't want to be at home dwelling on events. Emotionally, I found the second one harder to deal with as I didn't even know I was pg with the first one so it was all over before I even had a chance to think. I was completely down at the end of Jan - 8 weeks later - and have only just started to feel better about it now that I am pg again.

I know it's trite, but I think it's different for everyone. Don't be influenced by how other people react. You are an individual and will deal with things and recover in your own individual way.

PS - also, I got my sister to light some candles for my lost babies at her Roman Catholic church and marking the occasion as well as the idea of them having a light to guide them through the darkness made me feel quite a bit better.

Mumpbump, we threw some flowers in the river, and said our goodbys and also light a candle in the church. I like the image of the light guiding him through darkness.

Its just hard to know how to handle this and if I am being self indulgent or should be being nice to myself when I am upset/down.

Thanks for the responses. I have spoken to DP and we are going to give it a while longer on the sex thing, but with full freedom to cuddle ETC.

Flowers on the river is a lovely thing to do.