Sick of having to nag my husband to help me

[user1473371059]

I'm 35 weeks pregnant and I'm getting a little concerned about getting our lives in order to make way for our first baby.

Generally I do most of the housework, and he is really good at helping - as long as I ask him to do it. Besides the dishes most of the time, this is the only way he will do anything around the house. He works really long days and once he takes the dog out for a walk, he's generally too tired to do anything and I totally understand that.

He's been off past 2 days and we had a relaxing day together yesterday. I've had a couple of things to do out the house today, but rather than get up and do stuff around the house, he's just sat around.

I'm just getting to the point where I'm sick of nagging, even had the 'you need to just do these things now, as what's going to happen when the baby is here' talk. He listens but then things go back to how they were.

We've been together for a long time and we don't believe in gender roles when it comes to housework etc but I think he thinks I'm perhaps not doing my share at the moment, and will still say 'if I do this, you can do that.' I think he thinks that since I'm no longer working, I should be spending more time sorting the house out. Fair enough to an extent, but some days in far more tired than others and I'm not really able to lift and move things around. AIBU for getting upset about this? Should I feel bad about not doing more?

I worry about what's going to happen when baby is here, am I going to have to nag him to help on top of me looking after a little one?

You need to talk this through. He doesn't realise how tough it is to be heavily pregnant. When baby comes along you will find that housework takes a back seat whilst you adjust. Explain how you feel and ask him to be more proactive.

I'm feeling this too and I'm only at 5 months pg. Things like moving the heavy bag of cat litter or laundry baskets just aren't getting done because he isn't getting that I'm not being lazy - I can't do them.
I had a big cry today because nagging gets me nowhere and I'm just so tired.

DH is generally a kind and considerate person, just far too laid back all the time. I always feel awful when I bring up any issues as he's always very apologetic and says he'll do more, but then doesn't.

Hmmm. I can sympathise. At the moment my DH cooks dinner every night for the two of us and I do everything else (am 30 weeks pregnant). I also work (freelance, on average 3 or 4 days a week), we have a 6 year old DS. So, I tend to do all the cleaning and tidying, washing, online shops, putting away of said shops, dishwasher duties, school related stuff like reading and homework, plus things like organising DS' bday party and some presents for him, clothes, dentist, haircuts all of that stuff . . . But, to be fair to DH when I had an emergency section when DS was born he just did everything for us and am sure will do so again. He also does bits of DIY etc and I have told him in no uncertain terms that I will be expecting him to "sort" Xmas this year! Also in his favour: I love going to dance and exercise classes and he is v encouraging of that and always tries to be around so I can go.

If your DH is like mine, he probably just forgets you're pregnant (honestly, DH suggested we go on holiday somewhere tropical as soon as school finishes - forgetting that am due on 1 Dec!) and or/struggles to empathise. Whenever I comment on feeling tired DH genuinely asks me why that's the case and I have to explain patiently that many women experience fatigue in pregnancy and I'm not some kind of Duracell bunny .

It will feel "real" once the baby is born and he will step up, but you need to prepare the ground by discussing it now.

The key here is to stop thinking in terms of him 'helping'. He shouldn't be helping, he should be doing his share.

Just tell him: I am not in charge of the house and low value, low status work that everyone dislikes. Therefore I expect you to do your bit without being asked.

Compare how he is at home to how he operates at work. Presumably he doesn't sit around there waiting for someone to tell him what needs dling?? By putting all the balls in your court ("tell me what to doooooo!" he is making you solely responsible.)

Alternatively just stop doing his washing, cooking and ironing. Just look after yourself.

Honestly it needs sorting now otherwise he will be worse when the baby comes despite the 'i dont believe in gender roles' bollox

Trust me, I speak from bitter experience

My best friend writes a daily chores list and sticks it on the fridge. Would this work for you? She has his and hers daily tasks plus a 'big clean' task. They work shifts so it means she gets to enjoy her days off with her dd in a clean house. :)

I think it's just hard for men to understand how it feels to be pg and how tired you can get. He probably thinks as your home all day you have plenty of time which you do. But you can't do as many tasks as you used to and that's where another chat is needed to explain it. Men also sometimes need reminding of the same thing a billion times 😞 As long as you're having talks about it and not arguing just continue to remind him every now an then and don't feel bad for having to do that 😊

The poor menz

You need to break the "he helps you when you tell him what to do" dynamic. Just divide up the jobs between you and do not do his jobs, tell him to do them, leave him to get on with them - it's probably easiest if you give him things that are more immediate/obvious, like the washing or cooking or food shopping because it'll be harder for him to argue that they didn't really need doing.