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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Abandoned by my DH and found out I'm pregnant....what next?

54 replies

cautiousxoptimist · 21/09/2016 22:07

I have had a nightmare few weeks. My DH has upped and left me for another woman despite us actively TTC not 3 weeks ago. My period is late which I put down to the emotional stress that has been placed on my body but today I could take no more and took a test. Five tests later and they are all positive!

I should feel elated and should be celebrating but I feel utterly numb. I cannot terminate the pregnancy as I wanted the baby for so long but am wondering how on earth I'll cope as I have a very demanding job and have zero experience with children.

God help me!

OP posts:
SpicedGingerTea · 26/09/2016 19:06

Hello cautious, firstly congratulations on your pregnancy.

Four years ago I was in a very similar situation. My H upped and left with no warning whatsoever, and within days I discovered I was pregnant (we'd been actively trying for 3 years). Turns out he'd left me for an OW, who was also pregnant (though she was more pregnant than I was, it was very messy to say the least).

I had minimum contact with him during my pregnancy, though it was very stressful as we also had to do mediation and I started divorce proceedings. All contact from me was via a solicitor - expensive, but helped me keep sane and on a relatively even track (whenever he communicated with me he somehow found ways to blame me for everything, as they tend to do).

I'm now sat here with my 3.5 year old. I'm single, work 3 days a week, DS goes to nursery. It's been hard - the first 2 years were really hard work to be honest, but it IS getting easier as he gets older. My family and friends have been great. I ended up getting our marital home with some financial help from my parents. I have control over our future, our money, what we do, what we eat, where we go (I realise now I didn't have much control in my marriage).

I wish you all the best. The most important thing is these first few weeks is you manage to rest and take care of yourself and your pregnancy. Thanks

If you need any further advice please PM me.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 27/09/2016 11:00

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I am sorry that you have discovered your H capable of such behaviour. You will have a different "us" now and with friends' support you can tune out any self-obsessed yak from Mr No Moral Compass until you feel up to handling it.

Guessing you're 10 weeks or so, don't worry if you're going through a stage of lethargy or nausea, perfectly normal. As someone suggested it's really helpful to look for a thread on here for the expectant mothers-to-be due around the same time as you, just to compare notes and share encouraging posts.

cautiousxoptimist · 27/09/2016 16:36

Sorry lovelies, I had typed out a message yesterday but I must have forgotten to click send. Thanks so much for your support and kind words. Had a tough day today. Bumped into the ex and his new OW. I put my head down as I didn't want to face them but she ran after me and told me that my DH was now hers and that I should cease contact. I couldn't believe it. I am a little shaken by it and have noticed spotting. I'm in the waiting room at the doctors, fingers crossed it is nothing.
Feeling very lethargic yes DDRB (great name) and the nausea has started #wretch

Tricky so lovely of you to reach out to me, I really appreciate it, it's great to hear you've come out of it the other end. I feel really helpless at the moment X

OP posts:
FriendofBill · 27/09/2016 19:14

Sounds horrible!
Ignore, ignore, ignore.

How did it go at the doctors?

Trytowin · 27/09/2016 19:24

Wow someone is not confident in their 'prize' then. What an utter madam with a brass neck! Disgusting!

Hoping it went OK at the docs. Giving you support on this horrible time

SharkBastard · 27/09/2016 19:24

I had my DD alone, her father has never met her and I doubt he ever will. I LOVED being a lone parent, and my DD and I have a very strong bond, she's 8 now :)

I'm currently 10 weeks pregnant with my second child with my husband who is amazing and is the perfect dad to DD. Family is where love is, regardless of social ideals!

Hope all is well! I can sympathise on the sickness and tiredness

TimidLividyetagain · 27/09/2016 19:38

No advice but hope you are okay and the spotting has stopped

NovemberInDailyFailLand · 28/09/2016 04:22

You know he'll do it to her before long, anyway.

I hope you're ok today!

seven201 · 28/09/2016 04:39

I hope it went well at the dr. Did you tell the ow you are pregnant when she so rudely did that to you? She might not know. Also, very slim possibility that he might have deleted the email without reading it? Could you get a mutual friend to ask him about the baby?

Kariana · 28/09/2016 13:47

How awful for you, but you sound very strong and you will be a great mum.

I do think you need to establish whether he knows about the baby once and for all, not just because he should know but also for your own peace of mind. It isn't good to be in limbo with it all. Could you either ask a mutual friend to talk to him, or maybe get in touch with one of his family members? You could also try sending an email to a work address, very short just saying that you are having a baby, that it's his and that you appreciate he is with OW now but you need him to respond, even just with one word to let you know he has received the information. This will at least draw a line under that aspect.

Once the baby is here you will need to look into support payments, don't be tempted to let him get away with it for an easy life, remember they are for the benefit of you child. Your child has a right to be financially supported by its father, no matter whether he wants contact or not.

LondonRoo · 28/09/2016 14:15

Hope it went ok with the dr.

OW and dh seem to be under the impression you can walk from a marriage without any contact with the other party. Doesn't really work that way I am afraid - if you have any shared assets or debts then they need to be split.

Maybe you should give these two what they're asking for. No contact from you - get yourself a solicitor and let them make contact. It's a stressful time but maybe handing over things to a solicitor might take the strain from you a little?

Anyway - these two deserve each other! You will have better on your own and with your baby and you can do better in the man department too!

Roo

Scarydinosaurs · 28/09/2016 14:19

At 20 years younger I'm guessing you're 40 and the OW is 20? She's young and naive. Dismiss her words as those of a person who hasn't had the experience you have had. She doesn't know what she's talking about.

Do you have much RL support?

cautiousxoptimist · 29/09/2016 12:04

So sorry for the delay guys, yesterday I had a nightmare day dashing from place to place and didn't have a second to myself.

I had a scan and I'm 10 weeks so a little further along than I initially thought. Baby is ok thank god so that's a bit of good news.

With respect to my bastard of an ex husband - he finally responded to my email and kindly asked me to terminate the pegnancy as he didn't want another child (with me) and that he and his new piece are TTC and she doesn't need this stress. Despite this however I'm still going through with the pregnancy, some of my friends thinkin crazy but it's what I've wanted for such a long time.

I do have support yes but people are being unsupportive about me keeping the baby, but it's my choice so I'm keeping it.

With respect to divorce proceedings I've instructed my sister (lawyer) to kick it all off. We have a shared mortgaged property in London and some assets which will need to be divided. I want a clean break so if it means selling up and moving to a flat so be it as I want to cut all ties with this man.

Xx

OP posts:
CousinCharlotte · 29/09/2016 12:09

Jesus, what a pair of cunts Angry
Console yourself with the saying 'a man who marries his mistress merely creates a vacancy'

NovemberInDailyFailLand · 29/09/2016 12:15

How terrible of you not to fit in with his convenient little life-plan.

He sounds a complete delight...

SharkBastard · 29/09/2016 12:17

God, he sounds delightful!

Good for you, head high, keep on being awesome and enjoy EVERY moment with that lovely little bundle cause I can say hand on heart, being a lone parent is bloody wonderful! You get it all, the love, the tears, the anger, the happiness, the good, and the bad, but everyday is different and it's great!

You're about the same stage as me, I'm due in April, we have a thread in the Ante-natal section, where we like a good moan about how ill we are or how excited we are.

Best of luck, and fuck the other two wankers off!

milkyface · 29/09/2016 12:27

Oh op I'm so sorry but congratulations! You wil be absolutely fine, sounds like you're a lot better off without your dickhead ex.

I know it's probably not helpful right now but they probably won't last, he will probably do the same to her.

They both sound awful. They deserve each other and you deserve to be happy with your lovely baby x

Scarydinosaurs · 29/09/2016 12:53

What a heartless prick.

I hope you're able to complete a straightforward divorce ASAP.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 29/09/2016 13:21

As if you should tiptoe round OW's feelings. Hmm
It would be nice to have unqualified rl support but sometimes those around us can't see beyond their own experience, prejudices and limitations. Try and filter the advice. Glad you have a lawyer in the family.

mypropertea · 29/09/2016 13:30

I am so angry on your behalf. I hope you get a good settlement from your divorce and maintenance. I also hope that him and ow get a horrific stomach bug, in public.

LondonRoo · 30/09/2016 08:13

Good news that baby is ok Smile.

As for him... Clearly he wants it all to go away so I really hope that means he settles quickly and easily on what you ask for in the divorce settlement!

I really hope people come round re you having the baby. Not that my opinion should matter as it is your choice and your's alone but it your shoes, I'd have done the same. You'll love the baby and give it a good start in life, being single won't change that and I doubt you'll regret it later.

Roo

WrongEndoftheTelescope · 30/09/2016 15:52

Good lord, you are well rid. Trying to force you to terminate? That s low.

toffeeboffin · 30/09/2016 16:02

'but she ran after me and told me that my DH was now hers and that I should cease contact. '

Always the sign of a classy bird.

You are better off well rid of him OP. What a shite.

Glad your bambino is doing well, your sister is gonna kick his sorry ass.

toffeeboffin · 30/09/2016 16:03

If I were you I'd go NC with him, other than strictly legal stuff.

He doesn't deserve your time.

Moojay · 30/09/2016 16:06

I wonder if OW actually knows you're pregnant OP?
Anyway, you're going to do amazingly well and surprise yourself with your strength I can assure you.
Sort everything legal etc out, but make sure you keep copies of any emails or messages between you both, especially in regards to YOUR little baby.
10 weeks is a rough stage, it gets better around 14 imo and it'll hit you then that the beautiful life growing inside you is there and how brilliant it is.

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