Pregnancy - Going it alone

[harman]

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Sorry Harman - no advice to give but I just wanted to say it's good to hear from you. Please drop in on the inane October banter if you fancy some light relief.

My brother dumped his wife just at 7 months pregnancy..... they kind of made up just before the birth but now they are definitely separated - baby is 9 months old...... she is VERY bitter.
I think he was nice towards the birth so as to appear a good dad to the world but fundamentally he is so much into "his" feelings that he never realised how much he was hurting her.... the point I am making.... in this situation think of number 1 (and number 2... baby)....
I'f answer his questions but not involve him more unless he asks for it. WOUld he like to come to scans? Do you speak regularely, does he ask how the pregnancy is going?

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Is it possible for you to move this relationship to the next point like

• reconciliaition
• relate
• official separation/divorce ... regardless of the baby.... the way you deal with the baby will be a consequence of the decision above... I think. Not the other way around. Did you get my PM from a few days ago?

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I have sent it again.

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I agree with Secur - get a close friend involved now and relay him the information. I am sorry I don't know your reasons for your seperation, but on a personal point of view if I had left I wouldn't consider ex to be close enough to me to want his support. Just read your 1st post again - and see that you would prefer not to see him again anyway so having him there at the birth is only going to irritate you? Mind you at least you could have a complete rant at him and blame it on the pain

Hi Harman - Sorry you are having to deal with this, but I will hopefully give you some positive views!!

I did both my 1st 2 pregnancies alone, really out of my own choice though - same father I hasten to add, we got back together when ds was 2. I split with him at 9weeks into 1st pregnancy and 5 weeks into 2nd. And believe me it is I think easier sometimes. The most important thing is that you will be able to bring this baby into a stable environment, which is better than if you split later. What will be hard is that you have 3 others, hopefully they will be able to benefit from the situation being resolved for good.

Ex-p had a very good relationship with ds, but in retrospect I think ex was trying to get back with me all along. While I was pregnant with dd he met someone else (which I was fine about, after-all it was my choice to go it alone). And unfortunately he had very little contact with dd, and now no-longer sees ds either. ex-p now has a baby, so this might explain why.

Your situation is different, he has been there with his other kids, so you have a bigger chance to keep him involved. My sister split with ex-p when she was 5 months with 2nd baby. And their father still has reasonable contact with both, and treats tham both equally. He was at births though, even for 2nd one, so maybe that helped. My ex was not at births of either of mine.

Maybe this doesn't sound so positive now I've read it. But if you can keep talking and be amicable at least around the kids, then there is no reason why he should treat his 4th child any differently.

You say he wasn't that involved in the pregnancies, how was he once they were born??

And have you decided on any regular access for your other kids?

I know at the moment you feel like not having any contact, but it is important that your unborn child does not feel that he/she was the only child that the father rejected.

As I have found out, a father with all the best intentions in the world, saying his ds is the most important thing to him, can change with a drop of a hat!

On a lighter note, I am getting married to the love of my life in 5 weeks, and we are expecting twins at the end of this year....

I apologise if this all sounds disjointed, but if there is anything particular you would like to ask then please do.

xxx

Hi Harman
I threw my xp out while suspecting that I might be pregnant with my 2nd and had it confirmed about 10 days later.

Went through the pregnancy alone and cannot in all honesty recommend it. Although I never had the slightest doubt that it was the right thing to split from him, at the 20 week scan they found a potential problem which then ruined the rest of my pregnancy and worried me throughout, with no support from anyone.

In hospital when DD was born, again although I knew that there would have been absolutely no point whatsoever in having xp there, I did feel so sad and weepy when I saw other proud fathers coming in with cameras and camcorders to see their new babies.

So I guess what I'm saying is, make sure that you have a very good support network in place - if it's over, it's over, but make sure that you aren't on your own at crucial times like scans and in hospital after the birth. As with Smellymelly, anything particular you want to ask, please go ahead.

Just read my post again and thought it sounded too negative. Harman, just to add, if you know you are doing the right thing, going it alone is preferable to having somebody awful in your life who is not going to support you anyway. Even when I felt really awful, I always told myself that it was better than having xp there. And the other thing is, when you are alone, people do offer you more help than they would if xp was still there, so you can end up with more support than you would have had if you'd been with him. And you'll feel really proud of yourself afterwards, that you got through it.

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Harman,

I think you should either consider him "in or out" of the baby's life - make a choice and stick to it for your sanity's sake. If you're certain it's over for good, then you can't realistically stop him seeing the other children but he doesn't have the right to be present at the scans and birth of new baby. Going it alone is preferable to doing it with someone you resent/don't particularly like present isn't it?

You have to look after your family and make decisions on their behalf - as a mother you'll know what's right. Hope this get sorted out quickly for you and your children, wishing you all the best and big hugs

x

Hi Harman

Not quite the same situation as you but I also went through pregnancy alone. I agree very much with MeanBean's post and others who have said that it is better to do it on your own than have someone who is useless/a drain on you around. It is hard though, going for scans and appointments on your own. If you can get a best friend to come along with you for those and the birth you'll feel a lot less alone (but be prepared to feel a bit more alone as well, if that makes sense)

Take care

Hi Harman...
I went through my first pregnancy alone after choosing to split from the father, we had really only just met and he was not the sort of man I could depend on... as it has turned out he has made a lovely weekend daddy...
but that aside, I put a lot of it down to fate, I offered him to be at the birth,but he had actually booked a gig at a music festival 2 weeks after my due date, guess what, ds arrived when he was on board the boat!

It is so muc more difficult for you due to the nature of your relationship breakdown and also the fact that you have 3 children together as well...
He may be better once you formalise the separation perhaps, if you expect nothing from him, then you will only be pleasantly surprised.. Make other plans that do not include him, that way you will not be left on your own, feeling let down if he does not show through for you.
I feel for you, it is a very difficult situation you face...