Had termination six weeks ago, pregnant again...

[AnyaP]

Hi

Just needed to tell someone about my situation, I have a wonderful two year old son, his father and I split in may of last year and although reasonably amicable, I actually can't stand him, hence the split! I met a wonderful, or so I thought, man in Dec and have had a really nice re introduction to dating again. Fell in love but also fell pregnant as was very silly one night and morning after pill didn't work. I had a termination as felt it was too early in the relationship to introduce a child and I was begining to enjoy life again, which sounds terribly selfish but felt the right decision for me and my ds. Unfortunatly the lovely man finished the relationship last month, up front about it, he'd been cheated on twice with his last two wives and didn't want to get into a serious relationship again. I was devestated but begining to accept being on my own but I've just discovered I'm pregnant again, despite being on the pill. I don't want to have another termination as look at other babies and I know I want a brother or sister for my ds, but can I do this on my own? I'm renting and work part time so can I justify bringing a baby into the world knowing I can't afford it on my own? I just can't face killing this one - it seems klike it was meant to be if despite two effective forms of contraception, taken properly, I still become pregnant. I sound like such a stupid idiot but just feel really lost.

just wanted to say that i've read your thread and wish you luck. my mum brought up 4 of us on her own. she did a great job. am sure you will too.

Gosh Anya, so sorry you are having such a rough time. I imagine counselling might help you work out what you really want to do. You could try imagining life in 10 years time - which would you regret more, having a 9yo second child, or having had a termination in 2007?

Did lovely man know about the abortion a few weeks ago? Because if you do go ahead with this pregnancy, he's going to have to know at some stage... and you'd have to face the risk that he won't want anything to do with his child. He's responsible for this situation too - it takes two to make a baby. However, this may be a cliche, but right now it's your body, your choice. I'd seriously think about counselling so you can get some help figuring out what you really want to do, deep down.

Hi. Don't really know what to say to you but you sound like you need to talk. I can't believe that's happened to you twice! All I can say is that other people manage it so I'm sure you will too and it will be great for your child to have a brother or sister- especially if you're a single mother. It will be a lovely age gap too. Does your son still see his father and would he help out at all (i.e. when the baby is born would he take both children for visits etc.)

Also does this baby's father know you are pregnant? You should discuss it with him. If he is lovely then surely he will at least share the responsibility with you and respect your decision for not having another termination. I really think you should talk to him.

Everything will be ok. Sorry I can't be more help.

He did know but I was quite decisive about the situation and told him that it was the best thing, he agreed and I'm certain he felt the same way, and in light of his ending the reletionship I'm even more sure he didn't want another child, he already has two sons from his first marriage. I havn't told him as we're not in touch at the moment, he's cut off all contact which hurts anyway but I know he realises that if he does speak to me I'll get my hopes up. I'm sure part of me thinks that we are so good together and if he knows I'm having a baby he'll want to see us. A good honest adolescent reaction (which is not good when you're 33. The age thing doesn't help, time is running out, god such bad reasons and waffling! I will go and talk to someone as not thinking straight. Thank you so much for listening

Hi i am sorry you are having to go through this.

I would however suggest you speak to someone about your feelings & also would say you need to make this big dision for yourself & your ds, please don't just make your decsion on the hope that if you have this mans baby he will come back.

Alot of women bring up children alone & it is possible it would also be lovely for your ds & you would manage, we all Have to manage don't we?

I am glad you came to talk & if you want your baby & think it is right for you & your ds then do it.

Big Congratulations by the way

Take Care x

I don't think you should have a termination if you don't want to. It is bloody hard on your own though. Is it definitely over with lovely man? Might you be able to talk to him about this? How do you feel about being on your own?

Fwiw, I had a ds of 3 and was on my own when I met a wonderful man, got pregnant (despite MAP too), had a termination at age 33 and it was absolutely the right thing for me at the time. Despite being mad about the man in question, we'd only been together 6 weeks and it wasn't the right time, he was terrified and I couldn't face doing it on my own again because I'd been a single parent (not even for very long) and I KNEW I couldn't/didn't want to do it again, not if I had a choice. I still think it was the right thing for me, at the time, although of course it doesn't make it right for you. The man is now my dh, we've been together 6 years and have a 3yo dd. So I guess my point is, you DO have time if you want more children.

And you very likely could have more children, with the right man, one who wanted to be with you. I know that feeling of feeling you're in the last chance saloon but I don't think you are, not really. I also know how much harder it is when you've got a child already and when you've had a previous termination (I had one when I was 19 too) but for me, despite those factors it was still the right thing, I don't regret it.

But I'm not you, obv and you may feel very differently.

I'm sorry if this seems inappropriate (sp) but are you like, the most fertile woman - ever!
Do what you feel is right sweetie, if you feel it's right then it will be.
Good luck x

Hi Anya

I read your post, and really felt for you. It is just a thought, but are you sure that this is not the same pregnancy? Sometimes even terminations fail, if that is the right word for it. Is it possible that you are further on than you think?

Whatever you do, I hope you have supportive people around you.

Louisex

Hi Anya - just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you in this situation. I quite agree with what WWW has said - please don't feel that this is your last chance ever to have another child. I'm 38 and expecting my third - I never thought that I would be able to have any more after my last child, who's now 10. Having looked at fertility statistics for women of my age, it seemed all the more impossible. I decided to give it a go all the same, expecting to lose hope and give up after a year or longer of trying to conceive. As it happens, it only took 3 weeks!! So, just because you're 33 or 38, it doesn't mean that you've run out of chances.

I also think that you should try contacting the Lovely Man - even if he has cut off all contact with you, I still think that you should tell him about what has happened, particularly if you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy. You sound intelligent and level headed enough to me to realise that he might not want to re-establish contact (let alone any relationship) with you, so you don't need me to raise that possibility. I also think that you sound as though you are thinking everything though clearly and sensibly and I'm sure that you will arrive at a decision that is right for you. That's the most important thing in all this - your decision has to be right for you not the Lovely Man, or your ex-DH or anyone else.