Pregnant and feeling down

[rugulike]

I feel awful posting this but think it might help writing it down somewhere. I am in my mid 40s and pregnant with my first (only 5 weeks so very early days). I know I should be the happiest person alive as so many people of my age can't get to this point. I thought I would be happy but have spent the past week sobbing. Part of the problem is I have probably stayed with my partner (only about a year) because I wanted to get pregnant. I know that's not right and now the reality has hit home. I feel like the nastiest person alive and am scared about the future. I know how selfish I sound and what I would be saying if I read this. I haven't told anyone yet and feel very lonely. I'm sorry, I just needed to write this down somewhere.

Only you know what's right in terms of your relationship, but remember it could be tiredness and hormones affecting how you feel too. It used to annoy me when people blamed stuff on hormones but during my pregnancy they sent me into hysterics over nothing at times, or really anxious.

Thanks Chipin, I think the hormones are having an impact but I know I have a lot to sort out.

Finding out your pregnant at any time is overwhelming. All of mine were planned ( expecting number 3) and every time I've had a wobble and wondered if I have done the right thing. You will be fine I'm sure.

Thanks thecatsarecrazy it is overwhelming. I just feel so sad that my relationship isn't what it should be, and it's my fault for staying. i've made a right mess of everything.

My husband and I have been trying for a baby for more than 6 years and had various fertility treatment. I am now pregnant after ivf so this baby is as planned as could be but for about a month after I found out I was pregnant, I was miserable. I worried about everything - my relationship, how my life would change, whether I really wanted a baby or was I just so used to trying for one that I somehow fell into ivf, how we'll manage childcare, how to not raise a brat, it went on and on. I'm 10 weeks now and feel so much better, I've even started looking at nursery ideas.

Pregnancy is overwhelming, even in what looks like ideal circumstances. Take things one day at a time. I wish you all the best.

It's ok even in the best of relationships... Once you have a child there is no time nor energy for sex, sleep, food or any other needs of your own. Good Luck x

Meredith thank you so much for such kind, non judgemental words and congratulations on your pregnancy - I have had so many of those thoughts too - 6 years is a long time and that really must have taken its toll. It's nice it has turned out well and hope the next 6 months go smoothly and stress free.

mandyemma - that sounds like a lot of the things I'm scared of! The reality of it all has really started to hit home.

This happened to me, and I told the doctors and got lots of support. I would recommend doing the same. While it's normal to feel anxious or hormonal, it can develop into antenatal depression. I would also recommend confiding in a friend - I felt very relieved when I finally admitted how confused / scared / regretful I was feeling.

Thank you NewStickers I think that's been one of the problems today - I went to see the gp and cried in his surgery and he didn't really know what to do - he was giving me all this information and I just kept thinking this should feel like the happiest moment of my life but it doesn't. I will feel so guilty looking back on all of this if the pregnancy goes okay. Of course I'm very aware that at 5 weeks and with my age I have a very long way to go. I think your idea of talking to someone is good and I will perhaps chat to a friend next week.

But once your baby is born you will love it more than anything else and giving it your whole life and time is what will make you HAPPY. You won't worry about anything else other than that baby.

Thank you mandyemma I hope that's the case. I'm having such dark thoughts and worried I won't bond because the relationship with partner not right. I feel so guilty.

Been a bad day today. Broke down in the toilet after work. Difficult weekend too. Am exhausted from crying. I guess I need to get some help as shouldn't go on this long.

Just jumping in as I didn't want to read and run.
Please do seek some additional help, there is many different ways you can get support. Due to a history of depression, I was referred to the mental health midwife (not as bad as it sounds!) that appt was spent basically offloading my fears (2 previous mc). They are incredibly supportive and you won't say anything they haven't heard before.
Can I ask if your partner is supporting you? I know you said things aren't right between you but does he feel the same? How does he feel about the baby?
Please don't go through this alone, this is a time friends are needed for. Keep talking on here too as the mental health nurse noted that as a big positive for me xx

Thank you lynsey I know I need to talk to someone as keep having anxiety attacks. I haven't told partner yet. I thought he would guess when I stopped drinking but he hasn't and we've been having lots of talks about our relationship. He's a very kind man and all the issues are mine. I was very down last year as I wanted a baby and because of my age could see the door closing. He was there for me and I suppose I just took advantage of the situation. I hate myself for what I've done and don't know how to look anyone in the eye, let alone a child. I've lost all my principles. I know how I sound and what I would say about someone like me so I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm just so sorry sad and scared.