God, what sort of person am i

[Marshmellow]

I never thought i would write a message like this on here and feel so bad for doing so. Dh and i have been trying for a baby for quite a while and when it wasnt happening we decided to stop trying - and then i became pregnant!! Thought i would be over the moon but have not felt any such excitment, have had 2 weeks to get use to the idea. I don't want to be pregnant and i don't want this baby (oh god how awful i feel saying that). I haven't told dh this and to make matters worse we have told quite a few people (friends and family)which i had hoped would spur on some sort of excitement inside, but it hasn't. I don't think i could have an abortion due to guilt (i think its even harder when you have children) but if i was to miscarry i wouldn't be upset. Oh how awful i sound. I have just started a new job, its lovely to have spare cash and i just don't think i want to go back to money being tight and sleepless nights etc. Every time i see a baby i just don't feel any sense of excitment about going back to all that! To make matters worse, if i did have an abortion i would now have to lie about losing the baby to alot of people. I just want it to go away, please help me.

Has anybody got any advice PLEASE?

Oh sweetheart, have a {{{hug}}}
How far gone are you?

oh you poor thing, I sorry you are going through this.

I think it's common to have these feeling.

I was pregnant last may, dd was one at the time. I wasnt trying to get pregnant. I wavwered between wanting it and not, in the end I decided I din;t want it and I had an abortion, I never thought I'd be able to have an abortion but I felt at that point in my life it was the option I felt was best for me. I went to a counsellor and discussed my feelings about the pregnancy.

please talk to someone about you feelings, a counsellor perhaps?

I really hope you can come to a decision soon hun, lots of hugsxxx

no real advise but I remember finding I was preganant with my DS2 and absolutely panicking, even though he was planned.

It's a scary time and big changes are ahead so I'm not surprised you are having second thoughts. However don't expect so much so soon - I never felt pregnant until the scans, both times. Please relax a while, if you can help it don't tell people you are pregnant yet, that way you don't have to deal with other peoples opinions on top of your feelings.

I hope you feel better about it soon

I just panic that it won't. I was over the moon when expecting my other 2 and feel really shocked by how i have no maternal excitment or anything. I had postnatal depression after my second and am worried that that would be even worse this time round if i still feel like this once its born. I feel very trapped and just want to bury my head. I just want it to be the 4 of us and am so sad that i feel like this, especially as it wasn't really a mistake. I never in a million years would've thought i'd feel like this.

I am 8 weeks so still very early. I just keep talking about it in a very negative way reminding dh that i still may miscarry (even he said i sound like that is what i want). I stopped smoking straight away with both children and this time i have only just cut down. Surely thats a sign that i don't really want this? What a crap mother that makes me sound. If i really wanted this baby then the least i could do is give up a few cigarettes!

I'm guessing that as you'd stopped trying because it "wasn't happening" you'd resigned yourself to not having another baby? how long had you been trying?

I think that when you decide that something's going to happen/not happen, then if that changes it can throw you just a bit, because suddenly everything you thought you had planned for your life has changed.

We ttc for 13 months for our ds. Every month I was upset when af arrived, every time I took a pg test I just wanted it to be positive and it wasn't. And then after a year we decided that it obviously wasn't going to happen and we were going to have tests to find out what the problem was and then tell the family that there weren't going to be any grandchildren once we'd had the results. (I didn't feel that i could go through invasive treatments such as IVF etc).

So we had the tests. dh had a sperm test and when I started bleeding I went for a blood test. Two weeks later i rang for the results and was asked if I was "on the the pill". I just figured that my hormones were obviously so screwed that the test results showed that. That day I passed out at work, and because of the blood results I decided to do a pregnancy test - it was positive. And the anticlimax was tremendous. I sat in my bathroom shaking saying "but I can't be pregnant! I can't be!" (bleeding must have been implantation but it had been heavy so had never even thought it was anything other than a period. Of course I was excited in time, but the initial shock was huge, because I'd got used to the ida that we weren't going to have any children, and suddenly everything had changed.

You wanted this baby, you planned for this baby, it just hasn't come at the time you planned, but as things progress you will feel the excitement, once you hear that heartbeat, feel that baby moving, you will remember why you'd been trying all those months, and it will all be fine.

good luck xxx

Stop beating yourself up! Your feelings are perfectly normal sounding to me. I'm currently 23+2 weeks pg with my first and shall we say the circumstances aren't perfect - far from it, when i first found out i didn't know what to do and was in such a state! I was considering terminating but in the end couldn't go through with it, and am now very excited about my baby. Though i have days where she'll start kicking and im like, oh my god - i'm having a baby! Half the time i forget about her which makes me feel like an awful person.
There is a lot going on in your life - all good by the sounds of it so no wonder this is getting you down. And after trying for a baby and not being successful, well those feelings will have left you feeling very upset and hurt im sure. Then to find out your pg after all that, well nobody can blame your reaction.
You have to decide if you really want this baby or not, and unfortunatley you are kinda on a time scale hun. Could you maybe speak to someone, a councellor? Could you get away for a couple of days to relax and have a thinnk on your own?
xx

maybe see if you can get some independent counselling.... if you are considering termination, and to maybe try to get a handle on why you feel like this

maybe try to talk to DH...? you need to share this burden x

Marshmellow, I don't think this is rare at all so don't beat yourself up.

It took me a good 20+ weeks to come to terms with my 3rd pregnancy, and up until then spent many hours bawling my eyes out feeling the whole thing was a curse on our relationship. I think it was actually depression. But now I AM looking forward to it, even though I know it will be difficult and I've had to put off lots of plans.

I can't comment on abortion, I never had the guts and/or it was completely unacceptable to DH. Also, I'm a bit of a fatalist and figure that everything happens for a good reason and works out for the best...even if it's not apparent at the time what that reason is.

I'm finding that as the baby becomes more 'real' towards the middle/end of the pregnancy, the excitement of having a new little personality in your family takes over. The little people are hard work, but can be very entertaining too

So reassuring to hear that i am not the first person to ever feel like this. I fesl so totally exhausted, weepy, useless and depressed that i just want to feel like me again. I feel sad every time i look at my children, sad because i feel guilty that this baby should be as wanted as they were and sad because if i do have it then all the luxuries that we have waited so long to afford would stop. I feel i am stuck in a nightmare, very very alone. Dh got stress at work so i can't burden him with this and even if i did and he said have an abortion, still don't know if i could carry that guilt around. I just want to want this baby but as it stands i don't. Life has moved on from when we started trying, i have financial independence, thinking of getting the car i'd always wanted, hols abroad etc etc. If i really wanted this baby surely all that stuff would mean nothing to me anymore and i wouldn't care about cars, holidays, money etc. A very lonely world i am in at the moment

Marshmellow. I got pregnant unexpectedly with no 3 and was devastated. My 2nd child had just started full time school, I was going back to work, I was beginning to get my life back. I felt free and light and then I got pregnant. I cried for weeks on end and felt very very guilty that I didn't want the baby and got myself into a real state.

I went through the pregnancy feeling guilty and low and worried that I wouldnt bond with the baby.

Then he was born and when I held that newborn in my arms all the negative feelings melted away. I am not the maternal sort. I don't goo over babies and newborns.

Now he is 21 months and although I now and then think 'wonder what I would be doing now if' 'I wonder how much money we would have now if'.... I WOULDNT CHANGE IT FOR THE WORLD. He has brought a dynamic to our family that I never imagined could exist and the older two adore him.

Yes, our life has changed and yes, we would be doing much more now if we hadn't have had him but he has brought so much more to our lives that I can't really compare.. if that makes sense.

I don't know how it'll work out for you. I am just saying how it was for me. hth.

I know the odds are that i will have this baby and fall in love with it. But will i just hope i don't love it and resent it. My dh is quite an over powering man and i was beginning to enjoy having my own job, own money etc so that i could feel more of an equal (although my salary is peanuts to his i still enjoy contributing). I don't want to feel dominated and out of control and at the moment i feel just that. I don't want to feel so tired, i don't want to feel so bloated and i just want things as they were. I feel guilty at the thought of wanting the baby to go away, i feel guilty for still smoking and feel guilty for looking on the internet for ways to induce miscarriage because i'm to f-ing spineless to have an abortion and take responsibility for my actions. We have told quite a few people now and dh keeps telling people that i don't think i could even cope with everyones "so sorry" words knowing that if i did lose it, it was my fault or if i did have an abortion then the lying to everyone wuold kill me

Marshmellow
Just to let you know that there is an antenatal depression thread on the antenatal clubs page. I'm not saying that is what you have, but it's really just a bunch of us who aren't feeling that great about being pregnant trying to support each other and reassure ourselves that it is not abnormal and it will get better. If you fancy it come and join us.
Also, for the record, our baby was totally planned but the minute I found out I was pg, I felt such an anticlimax. I've hated being pg and even now am fairly ambivalent about having a baby. It sounds awful, and I feel so guilty, but I just can't get excited about it.
I hope you feel better about it soon, but keep coming on and talking to us about it xxx

my counsellor said that it was sooooo common to doubt pregnancy and babies, at least on the first 3 months. and she sees lots of lots of pregnant women... we are not really in that cocoon yet until the baby starts moving and it takes over so much that you can only think of the baby.

and of course some women might never get in that cocoon throughout their pregnancy. i dont believe we are born with motherhood instincts.

im so adapt of therapy/counselling. for me anything that is overwhelming me can be resolved this way (but not for everyone, i recognize that too...)

what is advice but to say something based on our own experience? i would wait to see how it goes until the baby starts moving, etc... if you are still not coping with it, counselling could be an option.

Please consider going to your GP and asking for counselling so you can get some space to work through your feelings. Sounds like at the moment there are too many conflicting thoughts running round your head for you to make sense of this.

FWIW I think your problems with dh need to be sorted anyway, whether you have this baby or not. If he is a controlling man, you need to address that.

Hi - with my 3rd it took me a good 6 months before I could honestly say I wouldn't have minded losing the baby (awful I know) I got into the maternity unit in labour and suddenly realised that I was having another lovely little one - I've loved her ever since! It's great, hard but great and truly enjoyable having more than 2.

i will echo what bumper said.

i am 34 weeks with no.5 now.this is my first planned pregnancy and i fully expected it to be a wonderful experience but it hasnt been so.for the first 12-16 weeks i couldnt even think of it as a 'baby',i was just 'pregnant' which to me meant being out of control and having long months of feeling like crap stretching in front of me.dp nearly left me on a few occasions as we were constantly arguing(cos i was so paranoid and accusing him of all sorts).
i went to the gp in the end and got put on ad's.

things did get better after a few weeks,once the ad's kicked in ad i started to feel the baby move,but i would still say im only just surviving this pregnancy and although i feel love for the baby now i still just cant wait for her to be born.

i felt exactly the same in my last 2 pregancies,but was told over and over that it was just because they were unplanned and circumstances werent that great.

i felt so different,though,the moment i held my babies all the negative feelings melted away.