Is it normal to feel like this?

[Struggler83]

I'm 28 weeks pregnant and starting to panic and wonder whether I've made a mistake.

I’m no longer with the father of my baby (we were together for 6 years, broke up, then I found out I was pregnant) and the first few months of my pregnancy were a real battle as he was desperate for me to have an abortion and I couldn’t do it. I was heartbroken to have lost him (to OW at that) and couldn’t bear to lose my baby as well, I was emotional and probably irrational and perhaps didn’t make the decision thinking absolutely clearly.

He’s now ‘on board’ and supportive but we are not together and I’m still nowhere near over him.

I am feeling increasingly panicky about being a single mother, about what my life will be like, if I’ll ever get the chance to fall in love again- or even if I’ll ever get the chance to fully get over my ex, as we have had NO time apart and are now in each other’s lives forever- if I’ll cope with my baby (even though ExP is ‘supportive’ I will still be the primary carer and the one making major decisions etc), what it will do to my career…etc. I woke up this morning and just felt really hollow, and like the next 12 weeks are going to just flash by and then my life will change forever and it’s not what I really want.

I feel terrible for feeling like this. I love my baby and I will do ANYTHING to protect him/her. But I’m frightened that I have sacrificed everything and not for the right reasons. My family are unbelievably supportive but they all live in another country. I can’t move back at least for a few years.

Please tell me this is a normal feeling in pregnancy and not just because of my circumstances…do lots of people have a wobble? Am I just panicking because it’s all so real? Or have I really fucked myself over?

Oh you poor thing - what a lot to deal with.

I think to some extent we do all feel like that at some points - I've certainly had episodes of 'fuck, what have I done' and questioning whether I really want this. And it's an IVF pregnancy, so not a hint of an accident or even a mild surprise! I guess it's a combination of hormones and knowing that you're about to have a huge life change. Throw in what you've been through and I think it'd be weird not to occasionally feel hugely overwhelmed. So don't beat yourself up or feel you're the only one who has doubts from time-to-time.

All that said, you should talk to your midwife about how you're feeling and perhaps consider some form of counselling. You've really been through it and the next year or so is going to throw a few more challenges at you, no doubt - however much you love your baby, little babies are hardwork! So perhaps using the next 12 weeks to focus on getting your head in the best place it can be would be a good idea.

All the best.

Thanks highlove.

I have am seeing a counsellor to try and work through some of the anger and hatred and hurt from how my relationship ended. But this feeling is new. Mostly I feel really, really alone despite the fact that I know I'm not. I just really wish I was doing this as part of a couple. I have a load of pregnant and new-parent friends at the moment and they are all married or in long-term relationships, and I just feel so jealous that they're doing it the 'right' way, and they're all so happy and excited and in love. And I'm alone, and my baby will never ever have parents who love each other, never have that family unit that I so desperately want them to have. And never have 'full' siblings. I just keep thinking maybe it would have been fairer on everyone if I'd just waited until I was in the right place to have a family.

Sorry, I'm ranting. And rambling. I'm really not sleeping very much and I think the cracks are starting to show.

I just couldn't read this and not respond.
I think everything your feeling is very normal, heightened by the circumstances of your now ex leaving.

Becoming a mum is a scary business...I'm pregnant with my 4th and still have panics!
But my first was with a very horrible person, he was never involved or interested, 10 years later, still not and we've had to move away for safety. Having been through that, having raised my son by myself for the first 4 years of his life, I know you can do it too.

You will in time meet and fall in love and of course there are ways for your career to resume once baby is ready for childcare.

I'll also point out my current partner (who is the guy I met when my eldest was 4) had always said he'd never get involved with a woman with a child...too complicated etc. He did, me. We have our issues but I think all couples do.
Anyway, what I'm getting at is, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you will be ok!

Give yourself time to heal and things will fall into place as you start to move forward. Once you see your babies face, you'll be amazed how much that changes your world, for the better!!
Take care of yourself and stay strong