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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Worried about how much pg friend is drinking

45 replies

justjuanmorebeer · 07/08/2016 09:25

My best friend is expecting her second child.

She is currently 22 weeks.

Since she found out she went to various events in the first trimester where she drank more than a couple of glasses of prosecco at each, accepted a new job so invited me round for a drink to celebrate etc. Definitely had two glasses then.

I don't know for sure but I'd estimate that she is having a couple of units a few times a week. She recently visited Italy and had wine with her meals each night.

As I have no idea what the amounts she is having are, I am not here to debate 'safe' levels etc. I am more worried about her attitude to alcohol and that she simply can't abstain.

More than once I have been round and said no thank you I'll have a tea as she is pg and I was dieting but she insisted on opening a bottle so that she could have a glass. Making out we always have something to 'celebrate'.

She has always drank a lot. They entertain at home all the time. Should I say something? Do something? I think she has a drinking problem.

OP posts:

LBNM19 · 07/08/2016 10:24

If that is what she is drinking in front of you I'd worry how much alcohol she is really drinking each week.

The NHS advises you don't drink any alcohol during pregnancy to keep your baby safe and that even drinking less heavily but each week can cause foetal alcohol syndrome.

I personally think a glass of wine every now and again won't hurt and if you really feel like you want one on the odd occasion then it's up to you.

However I don't drink any alcohol whilst I'm pregnant.

I don't think your friend will like it but I think you should talk to her as she could be putting her baby in danger.

Fomalhaut · 07/08/2016 10:38

Can I just say as well that in every European country I've lived or worked in, people drink very little when pregnant. There may well be exceptions but the uk is far and away the booziest country I've ever lived in.

Original poster

justjuanmorebeer · 07/08/2016 11:13

Thank you everyone for your opinions.

My friend mentioned exactly that phrase in the first trimester 'well some people don't realise they are pg until much later and it is alwayd fine' and also after having a few drinks at a wedding 'we havent told people yet so I dont want them to notice I am not drinking'.

My gut feeling is that she is drinking lots more units than she lets on. Her husband drinks quite a bit too and drinks every night.

Her mum is visiting from abroad currently and mentioned it to me when she went to the toilet at dinner the other night (friend had just under half a bottle of wine with dinner her mum had the other half) and asked me what the guidelines are in the UK and has it changed recently as friend seems to be drinking quite often.

I think I will just tell her I am there for anything she needs.

With regards to last baby, we were pg together then and she did not drink like this time. The odd one here or there yes but this is definitely more frequent.

OP posts:

LillianFullStop · 07/08/2016 11:16

It doesn't sound like she has a drinking problem or she's drinking to get drunk? and perhaps it's not that she can't stop - maybe she's just made a decision not to stop.

It's true though in Europe I've seen visibly pregnant people have a glass with a meal and no one bats an eyelid. The guidance changes all the time and depends in every country.

Original poster

justjuanmorebeer · 07/08/2016 11:19

Good point. No she doesn't seem drunk at all when I have seen her.

OP posts:

blairsmummy · 07/08/2016 11:22

Why don't you just speak to her about it and tell her you're worried. Close friends should be able to discuss anything together. Obviously there's a tactful way to approach it but I don't agree with just saying or doing nothing if you are genuinely concerned. My friend and I are both pregnant and I'm sure if either one of us had any concerns we'd just come out with it. I understand all friendships are different, but maybe she would like help and just needs someone to talk to.

Pearlman · 07/08/2016 11:25

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

justjuanmorebeer · 07/08/2016 11:31

That is exactly why I posted this. Because I think it isn't my business to get involved really so wanted to ask what others would do in the same situation. Now I see that majority say that drinking at these levels is not a problem.

If she tries to justify it again to me in a way that rings alarm bells I will definitely (gently) say something.

OP posts:

Pearlman · 07/08/2016 11:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

justjuanmorebeer · 07/08/2016 12:09

Hey, I like a drink myself I am in no way a non drinker. I'm just worried about her.

Yes she justifies it and it is always a 'thing' you know, she always has to mention it like an excuse for a celebration (we both have new jobs) or whatever.

I was prompted to post this after her mum mentioned it to me on Friday, so she must have mentioned it too.

OP posts:

Pearlman · 07/08/2016 12:17

This reply has been deleted

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Fomalhaut · 07/08/2016 12:18

She isn't binge drinking or walking round sloshed off her face, so it doesn't sound like dependency to me.

You don't have to do either to have a problem with drinking.
Half a bottle of wine isn't 'a small glass of something with lunch' - it's 4-5 units.

I know this issue is difficult- we can't and shouldn't police pregnant women, we have choice over what we eat and drink and we can't be shaming women for having a weak beer with a summer BBQ... But alcohol is a teratogen. Half a bottle is way, way too much while pregnant.

Very difficult situation op. I honestly don't see what you can do other than try to talk to her and be there for her

Pearlman · 07/08/2016 12:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blairsmummy · 07/08/2016 12:39

A growing baby is vulnerable too though, I think that is the concern of the OP? I think you must be a good friend to care this much. I hope it is just a decision she's made and that she doesn't have an actual problem, but it's good that you are there for her if she needs you

FuzzyOwl · 07/08/2016 12:55

I think there are very few women who strictly abide by all of the guidelines issued for pregnancy - and since these change and are different depending upon the country you are in, it can be hard to keep up.

I had no alcohol in my first pregnancy, perhaps three units of alcohol in nine months when pregnant the second time and none so far this time (am currently six months). However, I did eat runny eggs and didn't even know about steak the first time round to stop eating it. I also had certain ice creams and milkshakes that I only found out later should have been avoided but did continue with them afterwards anyway. At times I was so sick I stopped taking folic acid/multivitamins and on other occasions I just forgot, and my diet was always terrible. My point is that it is hard to do everything right all of the time but I would not have welcomed someone judging me.

Pearlman · 07/08/2016 14:23

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DollsHouseTales · 07/08/2016 14:35

I personally would be tempted to bring it up. Possibly she is also using the fact nobody seems to mind/notice/think it's a problem, to justify it as well.

I don't know how you would broach it. I guess I would wait for it to come up naturally (when she is offering you a drink) and say something like "No, but thank you, actually I am starting to feel really bad that you feel you have to offer me an alcoholic drink or drink alcohol with me when we are out. I am totally happy to not drink at all with you whilst you're pregnant, as I know how important it is and it's something I worry a lot about."

That might open up the conversation and she might likely say "oh don't worry, I would be having a little drink anyway, it's not just for you". In which case I'd say "X, it really worries me. I guess I'm getting paranoid in my old age but what with the new information that drinking over X units a week can cause a problem, it just gives me the shivers. How do you feel about it? Does it not give you the shivers?" So you're not exactly saying STOP IT, IT"S WRONG but you are opening a dialogue about it and also showing that you don't think it's a great idea.

CarrotVan · 07/08/2016 20:36

And she didn't have half a bottle: the OP said she drank just under half, the mum drank the rest. That is about two glasses of wine

A 175ml glass of wine at 12% ABV is two units so that's four units in one meal.

I'll have the occasional small glass of wine (less than 125ml) whilst pregnant but if a couple of 175 ml glasses is relatively normal for her then that's a lot.

Pearlman · 07/08/2016 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

justjuanmorebeer · 07/08/2016 21:13

Thanks for the further responses. If it comes up again I will use the 'don't feel you have to drink because I am here' line.

I don't judge people for having a few drinks in pregnancy at all. I did when I was pregnant as soon as I wasn't sick anymore. Probably not quite as much or as often though as she is doing right now.

OP posts:

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