My mum is not happy I'm pregnant

[061678719x]

I am 17 and my boyfriend is 23. I recently found out I am 4 weeks pregnant and my mum is so unhappy and keeps on pointing out the negative points which is making me really angry. I didn't have a second thought about keeping the baby. I have a steady full time job and my boyfriends mum is so excited and happy for us and said she will support us. Any advice on how to deal with this situation?

[Cosmo111]

Please don't glamourize teenage pregnancy often stastics show the relationships don't last and they face finacial struggle. It's not picnic and although some of you might know others who had children earlier doesn't mean it wasn't hard them. As for the poster who said it didn't make a harder having a child at 17,27,27,37 it considerably does when there no home or finacial security that a more mature adult would have.

[catscratchingpost]

No one said it was about material things.

It's still not a great idea to have a baby at 17. I'd say the same if OP was rich.

[trafalgargal]

Well Fanny a seventeen year old who thinks a boyfriend not wanting the child isn't worth mentioning and a Mum who is cross with her is really isn't giving the impression that they are ready to raise and support a new life.

Not many adults when facing huge life changes first worry is parental approval ...but lots of kids do. Speaks volumes for the OPs maturity level and lack of life experience.

[jasmin6082016]

Hi, I'm 17 and 37 weeks pregnant, and honestly you have to deal with the negative stuff, my mum ranted and raved at me for a few weeks, plus my whole family did and honestly I'm so glad they did! They got it out in the open, they taught me a lot, and made me realise how hard it's going to be! And it's true that it is harder being a teenager and pregnant because we're young! My child's father left and doesn't want anything to do with us, and his family aren't involved but I have my whole family and they couldn't be more excited and supportive now! If you're going ahead with the pregnancy be prepared for them to not be happy for a while, and don't rely on your job being stable either :)

Other than that good luck :)

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

Fanny - I don't think people have said anything like what you appear to be arguing against on this thread. The wild exaggerating does not help. No one is saying don't have a baby at 17 because you will be so much better off and will be able to have a mortgage, a career, a pension pot , a 3 car drive with new cars AND a dresser painted with Farrow and bollox paint.

They are saying:

who will look after the baby, the toddler, the pre-schooler, and beyond for 18 years?
do you really think this young man is going to stick around?
what will you do if you split up?
where will you live?
how will you carry on in your job?
can you afford childcare?
don't you think you are simply too young and emotionally immature to have a child?

As, presumably, her mother has done.

I know I am quite hard line about this but I do not think unquestioning support to go ahead and have the baby and all will be fine is the best thing for our op, whether from Mumsnet or her parents.

[PeppaAteMySoul]

bibbity I agree the questions you ask are important ones for the OP to consider.
OP if you are still reading and are determined to go ahead with the pregnancy you do need to consider how you would cope alone. Don't rely on the boyfriend sticking around. Any relationship can struggle when a baby is added to the mix. I imagine the pressure intensifies if the father even at this stage is unwilling to take on the responsibility. If you are sure you do want this baby (and there is no shame in changing your mind- I flip-flopped for weeks when pregnant with my first) you need a plan on how you will manage all these things. It's hard but a bit easier if you are ready for how things may go.

[paxillin]

Check the practical stuff first:

Is your employer open to the more flexible hours you might need once you are a parent?
Do you have affordable childcare to cover all your working hours?
Is there anything you can do now to make you more employable after the baby?
Can you afford the rent if you are living on benefits?
Can you move somewhere more affordable if no?
Does your bf earn money to support the baby, too?

[Oliversmumsarmy]

One of my friends is 25 and has 4 children with her husband who she married at 16. She is about to start training to become a midwife as the youngest is off to school in September. The way she sees it is she has had her children now she has her career with no interruptions.
Another friend met her dh at 16 and spent 2 years going to pubs and getting drunk and generally not doing anything much. She got pregnant and had her baby and split with her bf a few months later because he just wasn't ambitious enough for her. 13 years later after putting in some seriously hard work she has a very successful company and flys around the world. She shudders to think how her life would have turned out if she hadn't got pregnant.

Having a baby at 17 is not the end of the world whether the bf stays around or not it will be hard work and relentless but at the end of the day what you achieve will be up to you

[motherinferior]

But why load yourself with relentless hard work at 17? The tedium and exhaustion and isolation of parenthood?

[MunchCrunch01]

I agree, and young parenting in a stable relationship with a good plan in your 20s is a different proposition than a child/someone on the cusp of adulthood having a child.

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

I am actually gently laughing at the idea that life gets easier when your children are in school and you can have a career with "no interruptions". Especially if you have 4 children.

[giraffesCantReachTheirToes]

How do you normally get on with your Mum?

[061678719x]

I actually can't believe the nastiness in some people in this thread, it's quite shocking. Thinking of deleting the app all together. May I add- my mum was 19 when she had me and we are like best friends usually

[NeedACleverNN]

The fact your mum was 19 and she is objecting says a bloody lot!

You are 17 years old. You might think you know everything but you don't.

[Cosmo111]

No one is being nasty but they are giving you a dose of reality. Its a hard life being a parent young I certainly wished I had waited,I had a baby with the wrong person, him and his family were utterly vile. I wasn't able to enjoy the pregnancy as I should have.I was 20 pregnant even then i was far too young although i had lived independently at university in another town and did a nursing course it was still hard going. i want more for my children to experience life to the full holidays university if they wish and eventually settle down with a partner worthy not someone who wont commit.

[tigerdog]

I wish you all the very best OP. You can do it and be an amazing mum, and I'm so sorry that some people have responsed with nastiness.

If I am honest, I wouldn't have wanted this for myself at 17, and I would probably be very shocked and upset for a daughter of mine too, because I always valued my freedom and independence. BUT I have got some positive experience of this situation, as my sister got pregnant at 15, gave birth at 16. It wasn't easy, complicated by the very tragic death of baby's father (cancer) not long after. Fast forward 14 years and my sister has just turned 30, she is a fantastic mum. Married, two more children, just planning on going back to higher education to do nursing or physio, with her whole life ahead of her. Oh and the most amazing 13 almost 14 year old son who is almost taller than her now! There's nothing wrong with the choices you are making, good luck.

[MunchCrunch01]

and you don't think that this means your mum has a valid view? I'm sure she's not making a negative judgment just because of your age but because she knows it to be a hard life. There have been very many supportive posts on the thread.

[FellOutOfBed2wice]

Whilst I thought I was a grown up and was in a fully grown up sexual relationship at 17, I look now and realise how green I was. I knew bugger all. And at almost 31 now I can't imagine having a 14 year old. I would cool your heels and really think about this and what you're giving up. I had my first daughter at 29 and even then- with a husband and some life experience and a house- it was a shock to the system.

[Rowanhart]

At 17 I got pregnant to an older man I was desperate to keep despite him being awful to me. I had a miscarriage and was devastated. No one could have told me I was doing the wrong thing. If he hadn't have been so abusive the night I had the miscarriage, I may have even tried again,

Now I am eternally grateful every day that little life came and went in the way it did. Not only did it mean I split with said horror of an older man, but I went on to have a million wonderful experiences because I packed up immediately after and got as far away from him as I could at the time.

I went to University, travelling, built a career here and abroad, met DH at a time we were both financially and emotionally ready to commit to having a family. I feel there is real equality that comes from of not being financially or emotionally dependent on him. I choose him because he makes my day to day life better. I wouldn't stay if he didn't.

Now with two lovely babies and a security I didn't have at all in childhood, I think back to that 17 year old girl and wonder why she was willing to settle for so little when life can be great.

OP, your mum wants the best for you because she loves you. Having this baby will be tough and you will miss out on so much. This guy probably won't be around five years in the future. Be kind to your mum and kind to yourself.

Your Mam is actually the same age now as I had 2nd baby. She knows she will end up having to help and given she will have sacrificed so much to have you, waiting until you are entirely independent is only fair.

[Msqueen33]

I think really all your mum wants is the best for you. And from her point of view she's probably thinking where will you and the baby live and also how you will pay for nappies, clothes and food etc. She hasn't signed up to have another child and could essentially be raising a child she didn't want. There's a lot of your life left and 17 is young. For a lot of people they've made their choices work and at the end of it all they probably see the good but at the time when they're struggling I imagine they saw things differently. It's not an easy path. I'm in my thirties now and have three kids and I've lost a lot of freedom. If your bf isn't willing to support you through pregnancy I wouldn't hold out much hope when the child is born.

[Cagliostro]

I think she is just trying to make you see the reality. But you've made your decision, so she should accept that.

[PeppaAteMySoul]

I don't think anyone is trying to be nasty OP. Just giving you different advice on what is a tricky situation.

Don't be too hard on your mum. It's a shock and a worry to learn your child is having a baby. Regardless of the decisions you made yourself as a young adult.

[TheCrumpettyTree]

Disagreeing or making you think about things from a different angle isn't being nasty. Support isn't just telling you what you want to hear.

Maybe it's because your mum had you at 19 that she has reservations now.

[catscratchingpost]

OP you do realise it's probably exactly because your mum had you at 19 that she feels the way she does.

[ElspethFlashman]

Mum is going to be a gran at 36. And she's going to end up doing a lot of the child minding for years to come. Don't blame her for being pissed off tbh.