My mum is not happy I'm pregnant

[061678719x]

I am 17 and my boyfriend is 23. I recently found out I am 4 weeks pregnant and my mum is so unhappy and keeps on pointing out the negative points which is making me really angry. I didn't have a second thought about keeping the baby. I have a steady full time job and my boyfriends mum is so excited and happy for us and said she will support us. Any advice on how to deal with this situation?

[Gazelda]

I think you'll have to give your DM time OP, to get used to the idea. She must be disappointed, it won't be the easiest life for you, and she no doubt wants the best sort of life for you.
Meantime, you need to demonstrate to her that you have thought this through, you have a plan in terms of finance, accommodation, childcare etc.

[LaConnerie]

bibbity I see your point but if your MIL had your H at 18, he would have been at school by the time she was early twenties. Surely to blame their financial situation on having him young is a bit of a stretch?

I'm not saying it's easy, but it's perfectly possible to retrain when your DC start school and get a decent job & lifestyle - I have done it and I know plenty of other women who have too in similar situations.

OP I think you really need to take a deep breath and try to sit down and listen to what your mum is saying, without getting angry. The whole situation does sound pretty precarious; with your boyfriend not being sure about it all and you being so young (and as such, probably not having a lot of stability in your job).

I have a DD and it would break my heart if she were pregnant that young, because I want her to have a good, happy life, with as few obstacles in her way as possible. And being PG at 17 is a big, big obstacle.

Please trust that your mum loves you and is probably worried sick about how this will all turn out. Try to listen to her, whatever you decided to do

[PeppaAteMySoul]

bibbity it doesn't follow that all young parents will never get decent careers etc because of the age they had their children. I have completed my degree and will be starting a PGCE next September. By that time I will have 2 children (a 4 year old and a 10 month old) I will be 24. Similarly my DH has also completed his degree. He can only work part-time because of a chronic health issue but is not failing to live up to his potential because of children.
Also, my parents were older parents when I was born. There is plenty about their parenting I am unhappy with. I don't see how how good of a patent you are is an age issue?

I am not saying that being young parents is easy or the right choice for everyone. Just as being older parents has its own drawbacks and advantages. However I am slightly upset at the assumption on this thread that all young parents struggle with parenting one way or another.

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

Oh come on PurpleDaisies - this is all a bit rose tinted isn't it? Let's be realistic here.

[MamaBear98]

I am only 17 1/2 now (and still have two years of school left) and I know my parents would be horrified if I got pregnant,especially with someone that much older so I can see why your mother is annoyed tbh

[differentnameforthis]

It's easier for his mum to be happy, he has less to lose if it doesn't work out for any reason.

If he isn't happy (as you said on another thread) then you will probably bear the brunt of the physical & financial burden of raising a child. Be sure that you are up for that.

[MunchCrunch01]

Peppa, 20 isn't the same as 17 though, maturity wise that's a chasm, there's young, and there's still a child. Of course young parents can be good parents and older parents can be bad parents, on balance though, statistically the govt measures teen pregnancy because it's an indicator of poor life outcomes, that's just a fact, and of course not true for every teen parent.

[specialsubject]

how are you going to do that steady full time job once you have a baby?

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

Peppa - all parents, whatever their age, struggle with parenting sometimes.

OP has a choice and her Mum is urging her to make the sensible choice imo.

[PeppaAteMySoul]

P1nk P0ppy why is it obvious that the OP will rely heavily on others for support?

[trafalgargal]

He wants to continue his party lifestyle so of course your Mum isn't happy. She wants her grandchildren to be born into a secure and happy home with both parents wanting the same thing. NOT party boy complaining he can't live his previous lifestyle and resenting you and your child for it. She doesn't want you struggling on benefits as a lone parent.

If you really can't understand why she's not dancing for joy you probably aren't old enough to be a Mother. Still maybe you can take comfort from all these Congratulations messages from people who aren't in the slightest affected by your news and won't be the ones drying your tears when the baby is crying at 2am and party boy still isn't home.

I

[PurpleDaisies]

I'm sorry bibbity but I do not agree that telling someone who is happy they are pregnant to have a termination is appropriate.

Yes things will obviously be really difficult for her. That doesn't mean an abortion is automatically the right answer.

[ElspethFlashman]

OP, are you going to get paid maternity leave from your job?

[PeppaAteMySoul]

Yes all parents struggle sometimes that's my point though. It seems this thread is tarring all young mothers with the same brush- that they rely on family to take care of their baby and make poor choices. I'm just saying that isn't always true.
My dad told me if I continued my pregnancy it would ruin my life. Thank God I didn't listen to his advice.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Can't understand the problem with the age gap, dp and I were the same age when we got together 38 years ago. Also what has being too young to drink have anything to do with anything. Not everyone drinks alcohol.

I was told not to get pregnant as it was the worse thing I could possibly do. Didn't have children until my late 30s. Wish I had ignored all the advice and started at 17. All the women I know who have their life sorted started with children before aged 20 and are more successful than us who waited.

[PollyBanana]

How many mums would actually be truly happy that their 17 year old daughter was pregnant?
Not me. I've raised my children and don't want to start babysitting several days a week so that my daughter can go back to work.

[RepentAtLeisure]

I can see why your DPs Mum may be enthusiastic. 23 is a world away from 17. If my ds had told me he was going to be a Dad at 17 I would be gutted - and he wouldn't be the one coping with all the things that come along with pregnancy and childbirth. Try not to be harsh to your Mum, she's probably very sad that her little girl is taking on a lifetime commitment when she's still school age.

I had my first at 19 - too young - and it's only now I'm 40 that I feel some of the responsibility lifting, and feel like I can focus more on me, and less on the day to day grind.

You are so young and you are going to change so much. You are quite likely going to grow apart from your DP - statistically it's very unlikely you're both going to want to stay in a family when your young ages mean so much is open to you - and in that case you will likely be main carer, and if your dc has special needs you may have to give up your job. There are so many ways this could make your life harder at an age where you should be enjoying the last few years before reality and responsibility and day to day exhaustion hit you.

But you won't see it now.

[PeppaAteMySoul]

If the OP has carefully thought through what this pregnancy will mean for her and has decided against a termination then we should be supporting her.

[coco1983]

Congratulations!

Having a baby is hard work both emotionally, practically and financially. I expect your mum just wanted you to have some time to be free of all of that before you start a family. I really do think she will come around once the baby is born though :) In the mean time you deserve to be supported through your pregnancy so surround yourself with people who are excited for you and will help you. That will probably mean getting off this thread and joining a pregnancy forum where you can all support each other :)

Having a baby isn't easy, but ending a pregnancy isn't easy either (especially if you felt pressured into it). Either way you will have to live with the consequences of your choice for the rest of your life. I know loads of young mothers who don't have a huge amount of money who are wonderful parents. I also know older parents who have lots of money and experience who really struggle.

Good luck, you'll be great xx

[MunchCrunch01]

Peppa, it is on average true - I'm glad that you, a mum at 20 so not a teen mum, were able to make good choices and have a good life, your Dad was bluntly trying to care about you. This isn't a fight about your parenting, but teen parents generally do not tend to make good parents and need more support, you can pull up all sorts of research on that. Nobody is saying it's ALWAYS true. FWIW, my sister, a teen parent, ended up leaving her baby with her parents, if we want to talk about anecdotal examples. It ruined my sister's life.

[2nds]

As a mother of two little girls I'm dreading this happening. I will support my DD's no matter what, however I'd prefer it if they left pregnancy until a bit later in life.

Having my first baby was the hardest thing I ever did by that point in my life and I was in my 30s ffs.

[Farfromtheusual]

If it makes you feel any better I'm 26 and my mum reacted exactly the same way! Constantly pointing out the negatives about money etc even though I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years, we've lived together for over 4, both have well paid stable jobs and a bit of savings for when we decide to look at buying our own house next year.
I can understand her being a bit concerned due to your age but I've known people in the same situation who have made things work. Try and stay positive and I'm sure she will come around when you're further along and had scans and find out the sex etc..

Good Luck and Congratulations!

[titchy]

Your mum knows you're gonna end up a single parent at 17/18 (see OP's previous post - he ain't gonna stick around). Where are you going to live? Are you going to go back to work? How will you afford childcare - you must be an apprentice at your age. Are you going to quit work and go onto benefits? How are you going to go out and see your friends? Who's going to babysit?

[ElspethFlashman]

I suspect OP won't be back.

At 17 you don't want to think about hard questions. You just want to moan about your mum being totally unfair.

[trafalgargal]

I think if people felt the OP had thought it through they wouldn't be cross with her and neither would her Mum.

The boyfriend agreeing to try for a baby and now reality has hit doesn't want to give up the party lifestyle is a massive warning. She really needs to be clear if the BF walks would she still be as happy to be pregnant.