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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

ante-natal depression-is there anywhere i can get info for my dp?

15 replies

divastrop · 22/01/2007 20:09

i posted this on 'feeling depressed'but havent had a ny replies so thought i'd try this topic.i was wondering if anybody could suggest any helpful sites my dp could visit that give info on AND?
i just want thim to be able to understand i'm not being a miserable,negative,narky cow who wallows in self pity because i want to be,and that i do love the baby,i just hate being pregnant.
most of the pregnancy sites/magazines reckon i should be a happy,glowing,shiny haired picture of happiness who may just get the odd backache and need a little extra help around the house when in reality im an emotional wreck who wants it all over with asap.
thanks in advance.

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Rhubarb · 22/01/2007 20:15

www.unplannedpregnancies.co.uk

Or if you CAT me I could put your dp in touch with my dh who had to put up with me during 2 pregnancies.

Societies images of pregnant women really riled me too. It is never like that. You see celeb mums looking fabulous, going on about how excited they are, how lovely everything is, but what they don't tell you is the entourage they have who give them massages on demand and prepare their food for them. You never see them struggling round Morrisons with shopping or standing in the pouring rain waiting for a bus.

Your dp should learn to be a little more understanding and to LISTEN to you. Trouble is men aren't very good at dealing with things they can't solve practically.

divastrop · 22/01/2007 20:43

thanks rhubarb,i had a look at your site a while back and had iit stored in my favourites but they got wiped and i couldnt remember what it was called.
i cant use CAT?

dp cant see why i'm still feeling crap when i've only got just over 6 weeks to go.but today he said hes scared i wont love the baby and he wishes we never got pregnant

this is my 5th child and i had and in my last 2 pregnancies so i know i will be fine when i've had the baby,i just hate waiting.

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Rosylily · 22/01/2007 20:58

Diva, I feel very like you do, I'm not defining myself as depressed but I could be on the verge of it. I just blame it totally on the discomfort of pregnancy and I'm wishing my life away until its over!

I moan constantly and I'm sure dh is sick listening to me. The other day I was going to txt him some reassurance that I'm not always going to be like this just to jolly him along, but I couldn't be bothered!

Rhubarb · 22/01/2007 21:01

guinness _ maiden at hotmail dot com.

Email me any time!

BrummieOnTheRun · 22/01/2007 21:39

Rhubarb - you are so right! Men want to be able to 'fix' the problem! I found the list of 'solutions' ("it'll be alright when/if...") totally infuriating even though he was being well-meaning, poor thing.

Divastrop - there was a good thread on this a couple of weeks ago if you can find it. Someone recommended some sites, and also a Radio 4 woman's hour edition that covered the topic (may be available online). i hadn't realised there was a name for what I'd had until I read that thread. errr, can't remember what it was under but I'm sure a search would pull it up.

divastrop · 22/01/2007 22:06

ive posted a few threads on this topic before,mainly in early preg before i started on the ad's.things ahve been ok-ish for a while,but coming to the end now i feel all large and frustrated and can feel the depression creeping in again.

its right about hte practical side of things,dp mentioned that earlier,that i dont ask him to help enough etc etc,when i think i really dont care about doing housework etc,the one thing i'd love for him to be able to help with is the one thing he cant do-ie carry the baby for a week while i have a break.once she's born,then we will both be equal,i will still be trying to prove i can do it all myselfbut i know my limits and if need be i can say 'here-im going out for half hour!!!'

rosy-i didnt realise you weren't enjoying being pregnant.does your dh try to be supportive?

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Rosylily · 23/01/2007 05:47

Diva, he calls me fatty and says its all my fault for being a horny bitch and getting pregnant! So he doesn't try to be supportive but actually he is supportive because he knows me 11 years now and he practically ignores my moods and just accepts me which is what I need.
Your relationship is still quite new so your dp is maybe unhappy when you are unhappy. you are being very good to try and explain it to him. He sounds like a nice, understanding guy and you deserve that!

3rdTriMossTer · 23/01/2007 07:53

Diva I can't answer your question about AND, I don't know anything about it really.

However, I'm generally quite a "glass half full" type person and being pregnant has gotten me down on many occasions. I think it would get anyone down.

If you believe all that's written about it in those godawful pregnancy magazines and books, you'd think you'd be blooming, staring down at your bump with whistful eyes and probably in soft focus. I certainly thought I'd thoroughly enjoy being pg and was surprised to find that actually, it's a bit of a pita.

If your dp thinks about it like this: if he had the following symptoms:

Tiredness, sickness, nausea, more tireness, exhaustion, feeling very emotional, needing more sleep but being unable to get it, high blood pressure, alternating with occasional low blood pressure so you feel faint, let's add a bit more exhaustion for good measure, and then breathlessness, oh and weight gain, weight gain until your body looks nothing like it did before, and much much more...

He'd be down at the hospital worrying that he had some kind of serious disease! Just because you are pg doesn't make all that any easier to deal with.

I hope someone on here can give you the info you need, but there is a thread you might want to point him in the direction of, that was posted on MN a few days back:

things no one ever tells you about being pg

It might make interesting reading.

Good luck, and > I'm sorry you're not feeling so good.

3rdTriMossTer · 23/01/2007 08:27

Diva one thing that I just thought, about your dp actually, he said he was worried about you not loving the baby which is a bit but then I thought about it.

It is difficult knowing what to say to someone who has depression. (My dh suffered from it for several years). If you haven't suffered from it yourself you don't understand; you want to grab the person and shake them sometimes because you just don't get it.

And if you are very close to them, and really love them, you want to help. You tend to try and provide "solutions" (I know I did and still have a tendancy to do so) rather than listen like the person needs, because you want to be able to help and feel impotent that you can't. The other thing you do is worry, and then you voice those worries, like your dp did with you.

Unfortunately, those worries can be pretty dark and probably the last person who should hear them is the person you're worried about!

The one thing I found helped was finding someone to confide in. I told her all of my worries, and what I thought dh should "do", iyswim. This meant that when it came to dh I could concentrate on just listening, and empathising, and giving him the sympathetic ear he needed. So I could hold my tongue!

I wonder if that might be something your dp could think about, that might help you too?

divastrop · 23/01/2007 12:44

thanks ,moss.dp has an understanding of depression but i think,like alot of men,he just doesnt 'get' why a woman would be depressed about expecting a baby she planned with the man she loves.why get depressed about something thats completley natural?!
thing is,ive been through exactly the same thing twice before,so i know as soon as the baby is born i'm going to go all gooey over her and love her with all my heart,but dp hasnt seen that happen yet.

rosy-dp has spent the last 7.5 months trying to convince me i'm not fat.

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Rosylily · 23/01/2007 15:26

Diva, I've seen your piccy and you are NOT fat!
I am a bit fat on top of the bump but my dh is a bit fat too so we are like two hippos and we seem to enjoy insulting each other

divastrop · 23/01/2007 21:18

i have always had issues with body image due to being the fat girl at school so i constantly worry about it.we do have a laugh about the blondisms i come out with(which are worse due to pregnancy brain)but he's never horrible to me about things i'd be bothered about.cos he's not a prick

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pattilou · 23/01/2007 21:26

Divastrop, if it's information you want, take a look at this . Also, for a Woman's Hour discussion, this isn't a recent one but it does cover it.
Hope that helps.
Pattilou x

bumperlicious · 26/01/2007 09:40

I've been feeling ever so low in pg, and DH and I had a huge fight at 4 in the morning this week and I was just sobbing and he kept saying "what's wrong, tell me what I can do" and I just told him I couldn't tell him what was wrong because I didn't know and I don't always have the answers for him. he finds that so frustrating. he'll do anything for me - if I ask him to, but he's not very good at coming up with things on his own. We kind of expect our DPs to be mind readers, bless them.
I'm sorry you are not feeling better divastrop. I keep telling DH I don't want to be pg any more and it breaks his heart. And he genuinely thinks I look fab and wants to touch my belly all the time, but I hate it and hate him going near it!
It's really hard for them to understand how we feel, but after the baby is born he'll see the real you back again.

divastrop · 26/01/2007 16:21

thanks bumper-its right,i cant ask my dp to do stuff when i dont know what i want him to do.he has read some of the info i directed him to which is good-he's trying his best to be as supportive as possible.

still-less than 6 weeks to go!

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