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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Husband doesn't want our 3rd baby

26 replies

lonelylass · 30/06/2016 23:34

I have changed my name for this as I'm a regular poster. Title really says it all. I'm 6 weeks pregnant and husband is asking me to have an abortion. I'm devastated. The pregnancy wasn't planned and he never wanted 3 children. I feel I can't do it but the alternative is so frightening. He says I should content myself with what we have already and that I'm backing him in to a corner. Equally I have said I can't do it and I love him and don't want to split up our family but I can't terminate our baby. Help please.

OP posts:

Angrybird234 · 30/06/2016 23:53

Don't have any advice to give OP but didn't want to read and run. Ask yourself what YOU want, could you deal with the emotional after-effects of a termination? Do you really want to stay with someone that puts you in such a difficult position - your own husband??

I was pushed into having one 9 years ago and whilst it was probably for the best it still affects me to this day. Other people manage to not let it affect them, only you know how you'd feel.

Sending

Shortninbread · 01/07/2016 05:33

I'm pregnant with a third and my husband is very reluctant and not at all excited. The hard yards of parenting the other two put a lot of strain on I guess.

I really feel for you that your husband is being so insistent about a termination. It's still very early on and could he be in shock. Could this be his initial reaction? How long has he been insisting on this?

waitingforsomething · 01/07/2016 05:35

When did you find out and tell him? If it's recent Give a few days for the dust to settle- he will be in shock of it wasn't planned and speaking the first thing that comes into his head.
My DP reacted similarly to our first as she was unplanned. He just needed time to think

Pearlman · 01/07/2016 06:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2yummymummy2 · 01/07/2016 06:42

Don't feel pressured into an abortion or rush into anything. It's your choice not his.

I'm pregnant with my 3rd arm and oh says things like the novelty has worn off and doesn't seem very interested at all but once the baby is born, it's almost impossible not to fall in love with a newborn so I'm sure your husband will come round as well.

What about booking an early scan at 8 weeks and seeing the little one, that might help him bond more when he see the baby on the screen

OhPuddleducks · 01/07/2016 06:53

Many years ago I had an abortion. It was for lots of reasons and I still believe today that it was the right thing to do and don't regret it. Feeling that it is the right thing is the only reason to have an abortion: not because you feel forced into it. I agree with the other posters - give it a bit of time. He might be in shock and the situation may change. Hugs to you OP. Make sure you are looking after yourself.

mishmash1979 · 01/07/2016 06:59

Same thing happened here but with our 4th. He was conceived 4m after baby no 3 (which took 5 years to persuade hubbie to have) whilst on the pill AND breastfeeding every 2 hours!!! We only found out at 11 weeks but hubbie wanted rid. We went along to the scan to find out how far gone I was and I had told them we might abort. I never looked at scan screen till hubbie started sobbing. We never mentioned abortion again and the only time he has made a comment is when we money was tight. IMO he will change his mind. If he doesn't do you really want to be married to someone who forces u to choose between him and HIS baby. Cxxx

LadyStarkOfWinterfell · 01/07/2016 07:00

How did you get pregnant? I mean was it contraception failure or did you take a risk? I'm not sure it matters anyway but it's interesting to know what part he played in the pregnancy coming about

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 01/07/2016 07:32

You've already said you can't terminate your baby. It's not something I would recommend personally. I honestly don't think if he's a well balanced man that he will regret it once the baby is here. Is he worried about money/other things? Most people manage even if it does change the dynamic but I'm sure you will both love the child.

My OH asked me to terminate our little boy. He already had two children and we were in a new relationship but I couldn't do it. He's besotted with him now and we had a daughter 5 months ago (not an accident)

Toofondofcake · 01/07/2016 07:37

Oh love how awful for you so sorry you've been faced with this.

Hold tight to your instincts as if you can't face the thought of an abortion it will surely sour your marriage and cause deep regret in the future.

I imagine that when your DH sees scans, hears heartbeats, feels kicks and then meets your baby he won't be able to help falling in love.
It's really not ok for him to pressure you into an abortion but I hope it doesn't end your relationship too. If it does then he will no doubt regret that too.

Hold on and be strong and stick to your beliefs on this one.

LordVoldemortsMissingNose · 01/07/2016 07:39

Also pregnant with no3, contraception failure. We both wanted to terminate in the initial panic filled days. I went for a consultation and was asked to return three weeks later as it was too early. In those weeks we calmed down and my husband changed his stance a lot. We aren't ecstatic as such but definitely finding a level of acceptance which I am sure will turn to excitement in the end :-)

I knew a termination would affect me mentally a great deal, I reiterated to my husband that it was me who would have to deal with that fall out, not him. If it isn't right for you, you really shouldn't do it for someone else x

kiki22 · 01/07/2016 07:51

Our first was unplanned and dps first reaction was abortion I said flat out no way (I mc years before with an ex and knew another loss would kill me) he got used to it and has been a doting dad from day 1.

It seems a fairly common male reaction I wonder if it comes from the typical male lets fix this reaction so many men have to things?

Original poster

lonelylass · 01/07/2016 08:20

Thank you so much for all the replies and support.

It was contraception failure. And I only found out and told him a few days ago.

I love my husband, he's my world. He's the best father to our boys and very hands on. He just says he is stretched with two and can't do another, he worries about money too. Once upon a time (when I wasn't pregnant) I also voiced that I couldn't cope with another but that was before I got PG and hormones and a baby came into it and I never imagined I would be in this situation.

I struggle with my mental health anyway so having this on top I feel would ruin me. I would always wonder "what if?" And I believe I will resent my husband in the future if I do it. It's a horrible feeling and on top of this all I'm really sick already.

OP posts:

2yummymummy2 · 01/07/2016 09:11

Lots of places do early scans from 8 weeks and don't cost very much if you google search in your area

Seeing the baby will definitely help him come round

Book one now so that you have it to look forward to and go have a pamper day or hair appointment to try and destress

I think lots of men don't really understand being pregnant as they just can't relate

aya32 · 01/07/2016 15:09

Hi i have recently found out im pregnant with 3rd baby i am very surprised...my hubby is happy but i feel very alone and scared how i will manage with 3 children..has anyone got any tips i had a abortion in the past and this is not an option...i want to be happy i just feel numb..

Pearlman · 01/07/2016 17:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mommybear1987 · 29/04/2020 15:25

I am currently going through the same. My son is 2 1/2 and my daughter 15weeks. We had taken precautions but have found out we're about 5/6 weeks. We've argued none stop because we're both terrified.
I has preeclampsia with my daughter and still havent lost baby weight leaving me overweight still.
We never wanted a third. But now I'm not sure.
We both know money would be tighter, everything would change for us and work would be harder, along with child ate issues although our son starts nursery in September.
I think I want it but know my partner doesnt. I dont know what to do or say as I dont want either of us to resent the other for our choices.
I have a phone appointment next week to begin abortion proceedings but I just feel wrong about it. I'm lost.
I hope you're able to find the right path xx

BW17 · 27/06/2020 08:38

Hi,

I am in a similar scenario. Just fallen pregnant with my 3rd, hubby does not want it. At the moment we aren’t speaking due to him saying I am selfish for wanting this 3rd baby. I don’t understand, so how is it not selfish of him to stop me from having a 3rd. I know if I end up aborting the resentment will be that high I don’t know how it will all go. Any help would be great

CoalCraft · 27/06/2020 12:01

@BW17 Unfortunately, some things there can be no compromise on, and adding another child to the family is one of them. There can be no meeting in the middle on that one.

I don't agree with some PPs' suggestions that he should be brought round with things like seeing the scan, which don't actually change the realities of the situation. You'll just have to sit down and have a long discussion about things - finances, childcare, contingency plans, health - and come to an agreement on whether it's the right time to add a child to the family.

If neither of you will give ground at all then you both have another decision to make - termination or divorce - because the resentment on either side will be too high for the marriage to continue otherwise.

I'm very sorry for anyone in this position. It's awful.

BW17 · 28/06/2020 00:29

It’s hard because I love my husband endlessly and he is very stubborn so I don’t believe he will be happy unless he wins in the situation. We lost a third unplanned pregnancy last year in March and he acted the same way. We are financial enough do that isn’t an issue. All I want is a normal relationship where the partners can talk, as we also have two other children and all they want is another sibling. I don’t care whether he just wants me to do it all once it’s born I’m fine with that.

Bedlington5 · 30/06/2020 07:27

I am 5 weeks pregnant unplanned accident and 40 DH is 48 we already have two children 11,9. My husband is saying termination but I don't know what to do, years ago I wanted three children but now my two have gotten older im not so sure and I feel I'm getting my life back a little, but the other part of me says why not let's do it. Husband is not keen so leaves doubt with me. I'm so confused and petrified having a termination and regretting it. I can't stop crying!

lostinthoughts1 · 20/05/2021 12:52

I just found this post and I am in the same situation.
I have no one to talk to about it first because I am deeply embarrassed about the topic and second because no one I know would support me without judging me. I never thought I would be in this situation but here I am...
I do not want to be pregnant and I believe H is blaming me for it. He is barely looking at me right now. There is a lot of guilt because I had multiple miscarriages before having my first child and that devastated me... I feel ungrateful to say the least. There is also the religious part to it. I fear for my living kids... I also fear for my marriage. How can a marriage survive this? I feel deeply stupid too... I scheduled my first app (pre abortion) for next week. I will be 5 weeks an few days ( I believe) this is so messed up...

ImmyMc · 30/05/2021 16:35

I had an abortion many years ago after a contraception failure. I felt, and probably still do, that it was the right decision, and I was absolute about doing it. Despite that, it really knocked me psychologically. I didn't feel guilty, and I felt years agonising over the idea that I should have felt guilty. I developed Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that got so bad that at one point I could hardly leave the house, and started having all these health anxieties that I couldn't shake. I thought I was going to go to hell. It was a dark, awful, horrible time.

My point is that this was an abortion that I wanted, 100%, and it still messed me up. If you want your baby, I can only imagine that it would be worse for you. I never felt whole or completely happy again after it. I felt like a part of my soul had gone, and I still feel that way now, 15 years on. My advice from my own experience is don't do it unless you want to do it.

Worriesome · 30/05/2021 20:13

Pregnancy brings so much fear along with it. I’m talking from a stance where it was planned by me and OH but when it happened I was and still am terrified. I even had thoughts of termination as my nausea was so debilitating and it was ruining my life and health. I can understand the worry and fear that comes with pregnancy, it’s such a huge responsibility and so terribly overwhelming. Look after yourself, I’m sorry I can’t be much help but just wanted to say I understand x

Mamablayk · 09/12/2021 15:16

I'm in a similar situation...

Just found out I'm pregnant (around 5 weeks) with no3
We have 2 DS 7&2 & had agreed abortion wad the best option should it happen again. But now I've seen those 2 lines I just don't know what to do.
DH is useless tbh he just doesn't know what to say. Feels he's at fault because he stopped pulling out but I never stopped him from carrying on so we're both to blame.

Ughhh wish I was a sim and someone was in charge of me and my actions

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