Pregnancy rant

[ChocolateTeacup]

Hi, I am 29 weeks and feel that my pregnancy now has nothing to do with me at all.

I got pregnant after 18 months of vaguely trying while I lost weight due to PCOS, now as I am overweight I was put immediately under consultant care. My last baby was also quite big at 9lb10 so that upped my risk factors as well.

I was really sick constantly until about 18 weeks when I found that as long as I stay vegetarian I can eat and just feel sick.... as such I have not yet gained any pregnancy weight.

Starting suffering from SPD at 15 weeks, I am now on crutches and on bad days I can hardly walk even with the crutches. I also have codeine to help with pain relief but I hate taking them, due to the level of pain and mobility issues the consultant wants me induced at 38 weeks.

This week had my GTT, positive, and so I am taking my BG levels 4 times a day and will have appointments increased for this, I am upset and incredibly tearful at this news so I have been put on setraline as well. My BG levels are around 4-5 prefood and go as high as 7 after eating white pasta (still within range)

I can't sleep, I am now feeling sick a lot more I think because of the Setraline, working reduced hours at the moment. I just feel this pregnancy now has nothing to do with me, the consultant team have taken over, I can barely walk or do anything. My OH is amazing thankfully and so supportive even with my tears and tantrums over trying to do the glucose testing.

I will give birth when they say, my baby is going to be ultra monitored due to the codeine, setraline and GD. It's like I am just a host and no one is interested in what I want which was a water birth to help with hips on gas and air. That just is no longer an option, I am scared as to what effect this has all already had on my little one.

I feel that I don't deserve this pregnancy as my body can't cope with it, I am jealous of the glowing gorgeous people who seem to have sailed through pregnancy as I really suck at it. I have 9 weeks to go and it seems like a lifetime now.

Is there any possible way of having just a slither of control during induction/labour or am I just too deep into the machine?

You poor thing. You have every right to feel like this.

I agree with speaking to your midwife. If he/she is a good one they will be sympathetic and helpful.

This is your baby and your pregnancy. Just keep trying to remember that all the extra people are there to make sure your baby is safe as possible. Good luck.

Sounds like you are having a really tough time. It also sounds like you are doing a great job and being really selfless as you've already given your life over to this little one.
Is there a few things you can do to make yourself feel more like you rather than a host? Can you treat yourself to a cinema trip and meal when you are having a good day to take your mind off what is going on? Please try and put yourself first for a bit and also give yourself a big pat on the back for keeping your baby safe.

How lucky you are at how well your body copes with pregnancy has no bearing on you deserving to be pregnant, please don't think that. Sounds like yours is horrendous. Is there any chance doctor would sign you off work and/or you could start your mat leave early so you don't have to worry about work anymore?
I knew early on my first pregnancy that the birth was going to be pretty medicalised and I was induced at 38 weeks. I think I gave up on having any control far too easily and just stopped thinking about the birth at all. Zoned out completely at my NCT class about birth choices, active birth, positions etc as didn't think any of it would apply to me. The teacher didn't have any alternative advice just gave me withering sympathetic looks which didn't help. Wish I hadn't bothered! Completely normal this pregnancy and I'm going to a prenatal yoga class which is great. She talks a lot about active birth but has also said a fair bit that with hindsight would have actually been really useful last time. Stuff about breathing to feel calm and in control. Positions to sit/lie in to avoid being flat on back if you have to be strapped up to monitoring machines/drips, which I never even considered. Also a lot about alleviating pelvic pain although I'm not sure if this would be helpful if very severe. If you don't feel up to trying a class maybe a pregnancy midfullness book/DVD might help?

With the induction you can ask for a monitor that allows you to be mobile, in fact I was told by my midwife that you can ask for Doppler checks every 15 minutes rather than the trace of you prefer. They won't offer it and it may not be in line with their exact protocol but you are a human and not everybody fits into their pathway. I found that writing a clear concise birth plan helped as I could lay it out rationally before I was feeling less in control in the hospital. I certainly was not opposed to things taking a different route if medical need necessitated it and found all the midwives very supportive of me particularly when they could see that I had thought out and researched my options in my birth plan.
GD is a massive pain in the arse but it is here now and hopefully in just 9 weeks it can piss off again. Mine went immediately and has not returned in this pregnancy.

You need to speak to your midwife about this, your pregnancy is yours, you are not just a host. Other option is to speak to supervisor of midwives or a consultant midwife if you have one

It sounds like you are really going through the wringer with this pregnancy so firstly for you.

I think it's important you speak to your midwife about how out of control you are feeling, I would be exactly the same with even just one of those issues never mind the whole combination.

Perhaps you could think about the elements of birth/post birth that are important to you like delayed cord clamping, skin to skin, your partner revealing the gender, coming home outfit etc all things that you can choose for yourself and your little one and focus on those?

Good luck with everything, I hope things improve for you.

I felt the same way. Every appointment I seemed to be diagnosed with a new thing. I was never asked what I wanted and simply told what to do, where to be for various appointments etc. I ended up with a caesarean but I also went through phase of thinking I would have a natural birth but with all the extra monitoring too so I was upset I wouldn't get my water birth etc. I now have an 11 day girl sleeping in my chest and she is totally worth the stress. I sodding hated pregnancy and felt crap but since the birth I feel both mentally and physically great compared to before. Hang in there and speak to your midwife X