please don't judge me , I feel bad enough!

[usernoidea]

So, I've got a confession to make and I feel really guilty and awful for it but I'm almost 7 months pregnant and feel like I don't want the baby to come (ever).
I've been so sick through my pregnancy and still am so although this sounds contradictory I do want to not be pregnant but I just don't feel remotely ready to be a mum
I'm finding it difficult to get excited about something as I feel dread towards the upcoming sleep deprivation and co dependency.
Even if no one replies I just had to get this off my chest, and no I don't feel it would be fair to share this with my partner.... I'm ashamed to admit all this and sorry if I offend lots of people , just needed to tell someone

Talk to your midwife and hopefully you can be referred to the mental health team as it seriously sounds like you have antenatal depression/anxiety.

I think most people feel nervous about the arrival of their baby if they're honest. Do talk to your midwife but I don't think you're a bad person or 'ill'. Having a baby to look after is a huge change, it's very natural to be concerned.

The sleep deprivation is significantly less bad than I expected. I used to be hopeless on less than 8 hours. My DD is 10 weeks and wakes every 3 hrs, which means I sleep no more than 2 by the time I've fed/winded/got her back in her crib. Is it good? No. Is it bearable? Totally. Is it worth it? I wouldn't change it for the world & I was also concerned all through my pregnancy that I had made a mistake and I would hate being a mum.

Please talk to your midwife, don't be fobbed off with ' everyone feels like this' from her like I was. Sounds like you need some support

I felt the same in both my pregnancies. I found it impossible to bond with my babies before they were born and I was terrified of the sleep deprivation etc. And I didn't have the big rush of love immediately when they were born either. It took a few weeks first time and a few months second time. Now I would throw myself in front of a bus in a heartbeat for either of them but I wish more people had been honest with me about how it's not all sweetness and light in pregnancy and the early days, and that its ok to feel how I did.

I was very sick throughout my pregnant and felt pretty bleak about the idea of life with a newborn. I was imagining the worst-case scenario about absolutely everything - I think I'd spent so long hearing "ginger will help!" (no) and "it'll get better after 12/16/20 weeks!" (no) that it was easier to accept that everything was going to be shit, and I just didn't think I could cope with it.

Baby arrived, sickness went the day after, and it was great! I actually struggled a lot less than most of my friends with newborns - I was so so glad not to be sick any more that everything else was a doddle, compared to the hell of being pregnant.

In my experience the midwives were good at checking for postnatal depression but were not so hot on mental health during pregnancy. So I think you should be really, REALLY clear with them about how you are feeling - don't assume they'll pick up on it if it's serious. Or, see if there's any counselling services near you that deal with perinatal mental health, because that helped me a great deal.

I felt like this from 5 months on when my job basically threw my potential promotion out the window as a resulting me saying I was pregnant (I was on the brink of a big promotion so waited and waited until it happened to tell them I was pregnant as knew what would happen but at 5 months I was getting too big to hide it lol)
I cried and cried and thought what have I done to myself I've ruined my career (utterly ridiculous I know and different to what you're saying but I still felt like what you're describing). Basically this continued right to the end of pregnancy and then I had baby and I didn't bond and then I fell into a deep depression and I continued to hide how I was feeling and it took a long time to feel any better. If I could go back I would tell my midwife at 5 months. Like you I didn't want to tell husband. Hiding my feelings definitely ruined my birth experience and definitely sent me into a lot of painful turmoil later on. Please please let the midwife know. It's perfectly normal and they have seen it all

Please don't feel bad, lots of people feel exactly the same as you when they're pregnant. I certainly did! Didn't enjoy being pregnant at all (both times) had this horrible depressive feeling I couldn't shift. I have to say it was a lot worse first time round because you are so worried about your life changing and can't possibly imagine how it's going to be. But it does all come together in the end and the sleepless nights can be hard but it's just mainly for the first few months. So many people have said the same as me; that once you get through the first few months everything seems to feel brighter and you've gotten to know your baby that much more. Good luck with your baby, I'm sure you'll feel different once your little one arrives. I did.

Be kind to yourself. You are not the only one feeling like this. In my area there is a specialist perinatal mental health team that could be of use to you. Ask your midwife. Good luck!

You've all been so incredibly nice and supportive in your replies. Thanks so much
I have bipolar and am already under the care of a specialist midwife...I don't feel particularly "down" or "anxious" just don't really feel like i want to be mum, just yet, or at all.
I will of course do it and give it my best but I do feel like I'm sort of lying (particularly to my lovely bf who loves my bump and me v much). I think that's what's making me feel the worst

Please talk to your midwife OP, it's great she's a specialist one as she'll be in a position to help and support you more x