i really scared myself - help :(

[Thelittleredhead]

I am 19 weeks pregnant and not in the best personal circumstances, but trying to make the best of it, as it were.

This morning I had a fight with my ex (the father)- one of those awful ones which comes out of absolutely nowhere, leaves you stunned and confused and not having any idea how it happened.

I'm usually a pretty placid person, some might say too nice and too accepting of other people's shit. But after almost a year of being fucked around by this guy I am finding it increasingly difficult to have any control of my emotions.

Anyway suffice it to say, he said something really cruel and hurtful to me this morning (about a wedding he's going to in a few months and how he's going to "find the hottest girl there and bang her"- hurtful because he knows I'm not over him and our relationship yet) and I just lost it. Blind rage.
I threw my coffee cup, screamed that he's never given a fuck about me or the baby, called him a c*nt, threw over the clothes horse (full of clean laundry) and stormed out, slamming the door, to hyperventilate and panic-cry. It might not sound like much, but I really frightened myself. It's not me. At all. I just got so angry. White hot waves of it. How dare he talk to me like that? And I totally lost control. I could feel the adrenaline pumping for ages afterwards and it took a long time and a lot of sobbing before I calmed down.

This isn't the first time it's happened - last time was when he told me he cheated because I was fat, and I ended up screaming at him and breaking a knuckle punching a concrete wall. Again, so unlike me.

I suspect I need professional help but I cannot get an appointment for a few weeks. In the meantime- am I having a breakdown? What should I do? Any coping strategies? Am I going to be a terrible, awful, shouty, angry mother?

Hi, first off I'm sorry that your ex is being such a complete idiot. He should not be putting you through so much stress, especially not at this time. To be honest, I don't blame you for the way you reacted, I think I'd see red and be the same if I were you. Also, so many hormones at the moment, I find myself crying or flipping out at the tiniest things! Let alone what you are going through.
If I were you, I'd try and distance myself from him for the time being - you need to take care of yourself. You are under a lot of pressure at the moment and you don't need it, like you said, not the best circumstances, but you are making the best of it.
Do you have an appointment booked to see someone? Just to talk and get the support you need. Do you have family or some friends you might be able to talk to, to vent and let it all out?
And no, I do not think you will be a terrible, awful, shouty, angry Mother at all, I'm sure that you will be an amazing Mother. Sounds cheesy, but believe in yourself, you will be okay.
I hope this helps in some way. Xxxx

Thank you WinterRose. I know I need to distance myself from him and actually we will have that space over the coming few weeks, but I don't know how to get past this. I don't know how to get over him. And I don't know how to get past all the anger and hurt.

I don't have any family nearby, although they are being fantastic support "remotely" as it were. I have an assessment appointment with a therapist in 2 weeks but I feel like I might have just driven myself insane by then. This can't be good for my baby. I feel like a failure already.

Might be worth mentioning it to your midwife (the wanting professional help bit) as she can refer you to a mental health midwife who will be able to get you support.

He is being very cruel and the situation is understandably causing you to feel emotional. Are you feeling this way around anyone else or in any other situations? If he is the only person causing these reactions, it is a strong indicator that he is not having a positive effect on your happiness and wellbeing. Do you have good social support outside of your ex partner? So sorry that you are going through this by the way. It's not your fault that he is being mean to you, don't blame yourself

Sorry, just read on re. family support

The only real question I have is where were you?
At his house? Stop going there. No good will come of it.

Focus on being a single parent and look at how you can co parent apart.

Your actions are completely understandable given how cruel he is being. He chose to cheat on you because he's an arse hole who doesn't deserve you. Your weight had nothing to do with it. He is now trying to get a rise out of you because he wants to feel like you care. Until you can move away, ignore him. Stay calm and civil and whenever he talks about relationship type things smile and wish him luck. Do not allow him to get a rise out of you. You will see him get worse and worse and be nastier and nastier but do not give in. Just be civil. For example 'I'm going to bang the hottest girl at the wedding'. Respond with 'Good for you. I hope you have a nice time.' I would bet anything that he ends up sobbing. He is trying to control you and make himself the victim. He is emotionally abusive. By all means get help. Get help to improve your self esteem and see your own worth. You will be a lovely mum. Use the therapy to help you become stronger. You will end up in a happy place with a beautiful baby and he will forever be a complete dickhead. Sooner or later a lonely dickhead. Xxx