Pregnant again, Dh so different this time

[Louisa111]

Ive posted in relationships too but might be better here

I've only recently found out I am pregnant again. It came as a surprise but a nice one as it took so long to fall for our first. I honestly thought i wouldn't fall again being nearly 40. I'm not going to lie, we have been on a rocky road since dd was 6 months old ( suspected affair with work colleague but no proof) but things recently have been ok between us.

Dh was as shocked as me but seemed fairly happy but this time he is so different. With our first he couldn't stop telling people he was so so excited, this time he's mentioned it to no-one ( except our parents of course) and made it clear nothing on Facebook yet ( which I wouldn't anyway) and just seems to show no interest. I feel pretty horrendous most days but not making a deal of it , still carrying on working, looking after dd and everything else I do but sometimes it would be nice if he asked me how I was. Last time he was so over- bearing it drove me mad but it was also nice in a weird way because it meant he cared.

So now with hormones raging I'm feeling all the old insecurities coming back... Is he worried about 'her' finding out, I really do notice how different he is with me compared to our first... Is this normal with men??

The thing that's really upset me is he made a flying comment the other day that if the worst was to happen ( I'm not 3 months yet) he'd be disappointed but not really upset!! Why would you say that???

If I were trying to put his behaviour in the best light I would say that your DH is waiting til after the 12 weeks stage of pregnancy to announce the news more widely. He might just be more aware of the risks this time so is naturally more cautious than first time around. Maybe he is concerned about the age gap between the two children.

However, you say that you have been on a rocky road and that you suspected your DH of having an affair with a work colleague. Did you tell him you suspected something? What made you think that he had cheated? I suppose the most important question is do you trust him to be honest with you?

His comment about if the worst happened he would be disappointed but not really upset is hard to understand. I think my DH would be more upset if this had happened after having our first DC. With the first I don't think the pregnancy became very real to him until the end. Now that we have had one child I think he would be far more upset if we had a miscarriage because he is more aware of what we would have lost.

It's very hard to understand. I don't want to go into what made me suspect but lots of things just didn't add up. I'm
Lead to believe they are just work friends.
If he was cautious until after the 3 month mark I can understand ( I am) but to not even mention it or ask how I'm feeling on a day to day basis seems to me he's not really caring about it. I asked him
Last night if things were ok and he admitted he kept forgetting I was pregnant as I am
Coping so well which is just odd as I'm not different to last time x

He sounds quite emotionally detached at the moment - from both you and the baby. I'm not sure what I would do in this situation. I suppose you could wait until the first scan and see if it becomes more real to him after that.

Leaving the affair aside, my DH was not the same as before with my 3rd pregnancy. It took him until about 30 weeks before he really got his head around it. He attributed it to me going to all the appointments on my own, as I needed him to watch the others. Also being chunky anyway I didn't really look pregnant until then. I think for some men seeing is believing, and perhaps some partners don't get that emotional connection until they hear a heartbeat, go to a scan or feel a kick.

I'm 7w4d and it's the elephant in the room with DH and I. We had a miscarriage late last year so when I told him this time we agreed to not make any plans or discuss money etc until after 12w scan. However I didn't realise that meant we'd barely mention it again! As it's obviously affecting me physically (sore boobs, nausea, lots of other symptoms), it's on my mind constantly but he has barely mentioned it since. He doesn't really ask how I am or how I'm feeling or check if I've eaten or anything. Occassionally he'll allude to it vaguely but nothing more. This is hard as I feel totally alone (no-one knows) but I am justifying to myself by thinking that he is just trying to protect himself (and me) from further upset if things go wrong. I'm also a coper and don't really often need a lot of emotional support so I think he is just too used to that! I'm hoping he steps up if we get to 12w and beyond.

So I don't have the affair worries, but I do have an seemingly unsupportime disinterested DH (but for good reason) so I sympathise. Can you talk to him?

Maybe it will feel more real to him after the 12 week stuff etc....

Do you still suspect this affair? is that why you mention him possibly not wanting her knowing.

You say you found him over bearing before so it might not be a bad thing if he's slightly more chilled about it.